Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

[fangless]

32 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I've washed my hands that much,

I've just uncovered a nightclub stamp from 20 years ago!

You went to a nightclub in your 70's!!!  well done.  Keep it up if you still can!

[fangless]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'  So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda nevera fitted you!"

[ballpoint]

48 minutes ago, fangless said:

You went to a nightclub in your 70's!!!  well done.  Keep it up if you still can!

It's okay.  I was accompanied by my father.

 

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[sanuk711]

[Seth1a2a]

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[tifino]

Stripper For Hire

 

 

 

[tifino]

 

A veteran and hero sat at the bar...

A Marine Pilot sat down at the local Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket, and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked;

 "Are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied;

 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... I flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said;

 'I'm a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.

 As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.

When I shower, I think about naked women.

 When I watch TV, I think about naked women.

It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat there sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked;

"  Are you a real pilot?"

He replied;

 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

 

 

 

[fangless]

What do you call two female lovers spying for the government?

Lesbionage

[fangless]

Two fig leaved statues (one nude male, one nude female) stand beside each other at the entrance of the Park.
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, POOF! he turns the statues into real people.

The (now) man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear.

He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 odd years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." 

The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes.

The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight and many strange sounds. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush.

The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!"

 

 

The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, you have to hold the pigeon while I get to sh!t on it's head!!"

Edited October 19, 2020 by fangless

[fangless]

Some Non political thoughts!

 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. 
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

 

The consensus after an election is that approx. 100% of Americans think approx. 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

 

My favourite mythical creature? 
The honest politician.
 

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

Now you know why they wear those ripped jeans!

 

[fangless]

[fangless]

Are these the world’s worst redneck chat up lines?

 

If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

 

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

 

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

 

You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

 

Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Have you any worse examples!

Edited October 19, 2020 by fangless

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

Karen’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman:

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman. I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.

"Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

When the repairman arrived at Karen’s flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled. "Shut up, you stupid, poxy bird!"

To which the parrot replied. "Get him, Spike!

[farang51]

24 minutes ago, fangless said:

Have you any worse examples!

Can't do the accent, but still:

 

I didn't see you at last years cousins get-together.

(or siblings get-together if it needs to be even worse)

Edited October 19, 2020 by farang51

[fangless]

[sanuk711]