Popular Post roo860 Posted October 30, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 30, 2020 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 A friend told me that he wanted to move to Liverpool with his girlfriend and have a baby there. I thought, "It will never work." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 Lisa was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Lisa’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. Lisa’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Lisa was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the National Chicken Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells. You will certainly hear the Bull---t 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.' 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ravip Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 A nun is walking to church... As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?" She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?" Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!" The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes" 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ravip Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 Nine Months Later... Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ravip Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 An old tired dog... An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day." The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ravip Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravip Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravip Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Another perspective of the story of the Hare who lost the race… Actually, everyone throughout the world has kept giving the example of Tortoise…Saying that slow and steady wins the race and emphasising the value of persistence and dedication. Well ! No one has ever bothered to ask the Hare his side of the story… So let me tell you the story from a different point of view… I met the Hare and sat down with him for a heart to heart talk. This is what he had to say after we spent the better part of a balmy summer afternoon getting to know one other. It was a wonderful experience, believe me.. “Yes, I am the hare who lost. No, I did not get lazy or complacent. Let me explain. I was hopping over the meadows near the hills and looked back to realize that the tortoise was nowhere to be seen. Assured of my healthy lead, I decided to take a short nap under the large banyan tree near the pond. The anticipation of the race had kept me up all night. For days, that old silly tortoise had boasted about his ability to plod for hundreds of miles without stopping. Life is a marathon, he said, not a sprint.I wanted to show him that I could run both far and fast. The shade of the tree was like an umbrella. I found an almost oval rock, covered it with grass, and turned it into a makeshift pillow. I could hear the leaves rustling and the bees buzzing – it felt they were collaborating and even conspiring to put me to sleep. And it didn’t take them long to succeed. I saw myself drifting on a log in a beautiful stream of water. As I came near the shore, I found an old man, with a flowing beard, sitting on a rock in a meditative pose. He opened his eyes, gave me an all-knowing smile, and asked: “Who are you?” “I am a hare. I am running a race.” “Why?” “To prove to all the creatures in the jungle that I am the fastest.” “Why do you want to prove that you are the fastest?” “So that I get a medal which will give me status which will give me money which will get me food…” “There is already so much food around.” He pointed to the forest in the distance. “Look at all those trees laden with fruits and nuts, all those leafy branches” “I also want respect. I want to be remembered as the fastest hare who ever lived.” “Do you know the name of the fastest deer or the largest elephant or the strongest lion who lived a thousand years before you?” “No.” “Today you have been challenged by a tortoise. Tomorrow, it will be a snake. Then it will be a zebra. Will you keep racing all your life to prove that you are the fastest?” “Hmm. I didn’t think about it. I don’t want to race all my life.” “What do you want to do?” “I want to sleep under a banyan tree on a makeshift pillow while the leaves rustle and the bees buzz. I want to hop over the meadows near the hills and swim in the pond.” “You can do all these things this very moment. Forget the race. You are here today but you will be gone tomorrow.” I woke up from my sleep. The ducks in the pond looked happy. I jumped into the pond, startling them for a moment. They looked at me quizzically. “Weren’t you supposed to be racing with the tortoise today?” “It’s pointless. An exercise in futility. All I want is to be here. Hopefully, someday, someone will tell the world my story. That I lost the race but got back my life 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 Does Sean Connery like herbs? Yes, but only partially I told Sean Connery I was crushed by a pile of books He said I only had my shelf to blameWhat time does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish Sean Connery doing a knock-knock joke Dishes Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery Sean Connery rearranged his fridge during lockdown He was shelf isolating RIP Sean. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roo860 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post roo860 Posted October 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 31, 2020 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted November 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted November 1, 2020 Three dinosaurs were out hunting together when they came across a lamp. Out popped a genie who gave them a wish each. The first one wishes that it would rain sausages. A lo, the three dinosaurs find themselves in a storm of sausages. The second dinosaur thinks for a while and, to outdo his friend, asks for it to rain steaks. And so, they find themselves bombarded with steaks of all kinds. The third dinosaur thinks really hard because he really wants to outdo the other two. After a while, his face broadens into a grin and he says, “I’d like a meatier shower” 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted November 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted November 1, 2020 3 men of a certain religious persuasion were gloating about their various successes with women. The first man said: "I've got 10 wives, one more and I'll have a football team!" "That's nothing" said the second man "I've got 14 wives, I'll have a rugby team if I get another!" After a moment's silence the third man puts down his drink and says: "Well lads, I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted November 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted November 1, 2020 First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is." 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted November 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted November 1, 2020 I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?" I said, "No, but I did get a budgie excited once." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now