Watching the Tory leadership contest is like watching a pantomime horse with a dozen ar5es and no head.

Sometimes I call the number on missing dog posters and just bark.

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.
And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

My old grandad rang me today to say the local Primary School has installed speedbumps.

He said for some reason they've dressed them in school uniforms.

It's that hot today, I saw a scouser take his hands out of someone else's pockets.

I was telling my co workers a joke at coffee break.

"What do you do if your mate has an epileptic fit in the bath?"

“Throw your laundry in.”

One of the co workers said “that's not funny, my brother died having a fit in the bath.”

"Oh, so sorry. Did he drown?"

“No, he choked on a sock.”

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him, too. He's very strong and helps her move things when I'm not around. Honestly, I can't think of a better pet."

The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. "That's actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?"

"Five hundred thousand pounds. What a bargain, huh?"

"Can I buy him for one million pounds?"

"What?! I can't sell him. He's part of my family now!"

"Okay. Two million?"

"You can't put a price on something so useful!"

"Three million?"

"Fine. I'll sell him for three million pounds, but only because you're my friend."

A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again. The first multimillionaire is raging.

"The elephant may have been useful to you, but he's a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It's the worst purchase I ever made!"

"I don't know what to say," says the second multimillionaire. "But with that attitude, you'll never be able to sell him !!”

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I don’t believe in reincarnation and I didn’t believe it when I was a hamster.

Have you ever noticed that people who think everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it, look both ways before crossing the road.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

My idea of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Instead of getting married again… I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her everything I own.