I arrived early to a restaurant.

The manager asks, "do you mind waiting a bit?" I said no.

"Good," he said. "Take these drinks to table 3."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny.

“Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

“He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

https://www.instagram.com/reels/DWWoD_kDQA2/

I thought I’d treat myself to something really expensive this year for my birthday so I’ve bought VIP tickets to a ship launch. I thought why not?

Might as well push the boat out.

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.”

The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.”

“It’s ok,” said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“ So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.

They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.

“<deleted>, it’s my husband!“ she said. ”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!”

So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.

The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.

The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion, ”he said.

“Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“

“Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?”

“Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”

Why are most Trump jokes so boring? Probably reflects the mindset of those who post them Here's one that is genuinely funny:

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he built a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded."

The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio"

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.

The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and is a go-go dancer in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

I joined our local Tourettes Support Group, it took them over five hours to swear me in!

In the news: yesterday, security tasered a trainee in the Bilbao branch of Ann Summers for sorting out the corsets in size order.

They suspect she was a basque separatist.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Carabinieri stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"