On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 9:31 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

I think you missed out the extra long testicles, sorry I meant tentacles!

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 10:05 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

Please ignore this post(I've made a c&&k up)! really

 

 

Edited May 19, 20197 yr by scottiejohn
Wrong post wrong place and could not delete-sorry

 

"Hello, hello, is that the vet?" said the distressed man.

"Our dog has just swallowed a condom, what can I do?"

"Calm down, Sir, nothing to get too alarmed over, just keep the dog rested and I'll be over after surgery."

Surgery ended and the vet decided to ring first.

"Hello, it's the vet here, how are things?"

"Oh everything's alright now," replied the man.

 

"My girlfriend found another condom in the bathroom cabinet."

A woman went to her vicar to seek advice on her forthcoming wedding.

This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him that she was still a virgin.

"But how can that be?" exclaimed the vicar. "You've already had two husbands."

"That's true, but my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it, my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look. But this time I'm sure it will be different.

 

This time I'm marrying a lawyer so I'm sure to get screwed."

A young man asks for shelter for the night when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. The old couple invite him in, apologise for only having two bedrooms -- one for them and the other for their unmarried daughter -- but offer him the sofa for the night. Round about 4 am, it turns bitterly cold and the old woman comes down to see if he's alright.

"Would you like our eiderdown?" she asks.

"Oh no, no thank you!" he exclaims.

 

"She's already been down (on me) twice."

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

 

No.  I asked for an XBox.  This is just an ex box.

 

I think I might be anti social !!

Yup, I’m definitely getting more grumpy as the years go by !!

And I’m definitely slowing down !!

Simple things, like eating, are just so complicated, don’t ya tink !!

 

Yes !!
Why is that ??

When I win the National Lottery I am going to share it with the members of ThaiVisa, not the money, just the news.

Austria- Australia ?? What’s the difference ??

One gave birth to a vicious dictator and the other is a country in Europe [emoji51]

• 

An emergency call was made to the local police station. 
"Come quickly," gasped the voice, "a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster." 
"We'll be right there," said the desk sergeant. "May I ask who's talking?" 
"It's me, the burglar, help!" 

 

"May I have 3 French letters please, Miss," asked the man in the chemist's shop.  
The bitter old woman looked at him scornfully and replied, 
"Don't you Miss me, young man." 
"Oh sorry," he replied "Make that 4 then, please." 

A married couple and the husband's best friend go on holiday together and find they all have to share a bed in the caravan. On the first night the husband falls asleep very quickly so the wife turns to the best friend and suggests they have a bit of fun. 
"But what about your husband?" he whispers. "He's sure to wake up if we start anything like that." 
"No, no," replies the wife, "he's dead to the world once he goes to sleep but if you're worried, pluck out one of his pubic hairs and see if he reacts." 
So the best friend does as he is told and the husband remains snoring. Convinced all is well, the two get down to it and so enjoy themselves, they repeat it half a dozen times, pulling out one of the husband's pubic hairs each time to check he is still asleep. However, just as they are about to have sex a seventh time, the husband turns over and says, 
"Now hold on, mate, I don't mind you making love to my wife but I'm stuffed if you think you can use my pubic hair to keep score on your behalf." 

Taking a short cut home through the park one night, a spinster was confronted by a mugger. 
"Give me all your money and jewellery," he demanded. 
"But, I haven't got anything," she replied. 
Not believing her, the man started to search her body. His hands moved everywhere, inside her blouse and up her skirt until he was satisfied she wasn't hiding anything. He was about to go when she said to him coyly, "Go on, keep trying, I can always write you a cheque."