Boy, feminists are getting touchy.  The other day I saw a woman walking towards a door so I opened it for her and she started screaming at me.  As if that wasn't enough, all the other passengers on the plane took her side as well.

This much is true !!

Letters and Top Tips from Viz was always good for a little chuckle !!

13 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Letters and Top Tips from Viz was always good for a little chuckle !!

A good one I remember went something like "We always read about the havoc caused by hailstones the size of golf balls.  Why don't these irresponsible golf ball manufacturers make them smaller, then the hail would do less damage?"

A good one I remember went something like "We always read about the havoc caused by hailstones the size of golf balls.  Why don't these irresponsible golf ball manufacturers make them smaller, then the hail would do less damage?"

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

 1. This is an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

 9.  I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

 10.  Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

 

  

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend. 
"Let's just say my legs are my best friends," she replied mysteriously. 
"Oh come on," said her mate. "What does that mean?" 
"It means he came on too strong so I walked home." 
A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl's mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night. 
"Pretty much as before," she replied. "My legs are my best friends." 
Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy. 
"You're looking well," commented her mate. "Something's doing you good." 
"Oh yes," replied the girl. "I've met this wonderful bloke and let's just say even the best of friends must part." 
 

"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?" 
"Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead, she'd been like that during sex for years." 

   
 

A load of books fell on my head last night, but I've only got myshelf to blame.

1 minute ago, vogie said:

myshelf to blame

Was that written by Sean Connery?

The Dogtor's advice

I hear the Iranians have developed a nuclear weapon. They are trying to figure out how to launch it from a camel.

 

I went to the doctors yesterday. He said "drop your strides and bend over." I swear he put his head up my ass. "Can't see anything wrong in there Mr Owl," he said as I was getting dressed. Thank you doc', is that it then? Clean bill of health." Almost, I'd get that loose tooth sorted ASAP."

 

I love my mother and my girlfriend. The fiance and me were in the back of the Cortina. I said "darling put the left leg onto the back of the front seat." Just for comfort. I looked down at the hairy, murky void. "Tracey; In that pose you look just like your older sister." "Really Owl!? Your mates say I look just like your mum."

 

 

Edited May 11, 20197 yr by owl sees all

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week. The

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the bike shed in  the playground!" 
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?" 

Sally replied, "No, salty." 
 

I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me £160.
I gave her £80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot. 

I've decided on my new career.
I'm going to be a backwards stripper.

I come out on the stage naked
and people pay me to put my clothes back on. 

Edited May 12, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Hospital regulations a the place my mum trained required a wheel chair for patients being discharged no matter the reason for admission (this was even B4 Elf & Safety!!). However, while working as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the edge of a bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let my mum wheel him to the lift.
On the way down she asked him if his wife or other member of the family would be downstairs to meet him. 
'I don't know about other members,' he said. 'But the wife is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown, this is her case.' 
OOPS!

Ever seen a dog using binoculars ?





Now you have !!