7 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

This one might be a little too cryptic

I thought I should post that Pat might get catty at your cryptic back seat driving.

 

PS; As an honorary Brit (Scot) I assume I am allowed to make the above comment!

Edited May 14, 20197 yr by scottiejohn
Ps added

"Help, help," sobbed the simple lad. "I've cut my finger off in this machine here." 
"How on earth did you manage that?" said his mate. 
"Well, I just put my finger into this spinning whee......aah...
there goes another one." 
 

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together. After a while the girl whispered in his ear, "Why don't we go outside to the car?" 
"Oh I don't know," he said. "I like dancing." 
But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed. 
When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced an old fashioned long round “DD sized battery” torch from his pocket. (Not your smart phone type illumination!)
"Have you had that torch in your trouser pocket all night?" she asked. 
"Yes," he said. 

"Oh well, in that case let's go back to the dance." 
 

A big strapping boy went up to the big house for a job as a handyman but returned home very disappointed. 
"Oh, dad, I'm so ashamed, I really made a cock up, in more ways than one." 

"How come, son?" 
"The beautiful lady was very nice, she asked me lots of questions, seemed pleased with what I had to say and interested in my looks and turnout, I told her I was a hard worker and would be proud to work for her, but then right at the end she asked to see my testimonials.

 

That's when I lost it!" 

 

How can you see that a guy's favorite position in the bed is 69 ?

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he has a poop on his nose

12 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I thought I should post that Pat might get catty at your cryptic back seat driving.

 

PS; As an honorary Brit (Scot) I assume I am allowed to make the above comment!

Now they'll need Bob The Builder !  Can he fix it? ........

A fella buys a talking centipede for £100 at a market takes it home and puts it in a shoebox.
An hour later he decides to check it out , so asks:
“ hey Centi want to go to the pub ?“ no reply.
Thinking he maybe didn’t hear him he asks, a little louder .
“ I said, do you wanna go down the pub ? “ still no reply.
So he tries again “ do you want to go to the pub or not ?” even louder.
After complete silence the guy loses it !, opens the box and shouts
“ hey you, I’m talking to you !! “


The centipede looks up at him and says calmly,
“ I heard you the first time, I’m putting my shoes on !! “

Yup, finally found out the root of my problem !!

“ light me up there buddy ! “

No wonder my internet is slow, everyone is online !!

"Because she's worth it".

9 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Bob The Builder !

Where will you find a Polish builder called Bob in the UK today? 

Edited May 15, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Three dogs end up in the vet's and start talking to each other. 
"Oh well," sighs the first, "this is it, they're going to put me down for worrying sheep." 
"They're putting me down as well," says the second dog. "I bit the postman." 
The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there. 
"Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn't help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild.  
"I see," reply the other dogs, "so you're being put down as well." 

"Oh no, I'm here to have my nails cut." 
 

"You look upset, Jack, what's wrong?" 
"I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend. and doing things I didn't even know were possible" 
"Oh mate, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you do?" 
"I told her to pack her bags and <deleted> off." 
"Good for you, and what about your best friend?" 

"I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, 'Bad dog!'" 
 

Edited May 16, 20197 yr by metisdead
8.) You will not post disruptive or inflammatory messages, vulgarities, obscenities or profanities.

Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man's erect penis. 
"Hooray!" she said "One to me". 
Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and cheered "Now it's one all." 
The next day the Peeping Tom's wife was going shopping and asked him if there was anything he needed. 
"Yes," he replied with a secret grin on his face

 

"A bag of sprouts and a packet of polo mints." 

Just had an extension on the house, I think it worked out well, 4 hours from start to finish !!
Gonna send the house warming party invites out shortly , everyone welcome and bring as many friends as you want, got oodles of room now !!

Wow !!
That escalated quickly !!

Tevez lends Rio a hand