An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

 

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

 

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……

 

‘Sod off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.

 

The oldies are the goodies!

The couple had been married for seven years and their life together had lost its sparkle. Sex was a disaster.

"There doesn't seem to be any passion left," said her husband one day.

"Maybe we should part company."

Now that filled the wife with dread because she didn't want to lose all the comforts of her married life. It would mean she'd have to find a job! That night she was determined to show him what he would be missing. She dressed in her sexiest negligee and actively started to move a bit during their lovemaking. Her husband was astonished, but delighted. The only strange thing was that every 30 minutes, she would excuse herself and disappear into the bathroom, then return and continue more passionately than before. Although the husband didn't want to spoil the moment, he got so curious he eventually had to find out what was going on. The next time she went into the bathroom, he sneaked in after her and to his amazement, she was standing in front of the mirror saying over and over again,

 

"He's not my husband... he's not my husband..."
 

The little boy's mother had been away for a week's conference and on returning she asked her son how he'd been.

"It was OK," said Ben, "except there was dreadful thunder and lightning on Tuesday night, so me and Daddy snuggled up in the same bed."

"You mean Daddy and I," said his young nanny.

"Oh no," said the boy,

 

"that was Wednesday night, remember?"
 

One evening Father passed his daughter's bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma."

 

"How odd," thought Father, but he didn't want his daughter to know he'd been listening so he didn't say anything to her. But, tragically, the next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening Father heard his daughter praying again.

"God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, bye bye Grandpa."

 

"No, it can't mean anything," thought Father apprehensively, but the very next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep.

The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again.

"God bless Mummy, bye bye Daddy."

 

Absolutely panic-stricken, Father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn't wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife all about the nightmare day that he'd had.

 

She replied, "You think you've had a bad day! This morning when I opened the front door I found the milkman dead on the front doorstep."

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their free-holding before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed.

"For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs."

 

Just then, Dad came down the stairs and, nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said,

 

"Are you going to tell him or shall I?"