Just read an article on the BBC titled, "My life as the Queen's personal bagpiper."

Basically, it involves being told to "shut the **** up!" over 50 times a day.

A Coastguard vessel intercepted a small rowing boat carrying four Muslims heading towards the UK mainland. The Captain shouts through his loudhailer "Ahoy small rowing boat, what is your heading"?

One of the Muslims stands up and shouts "We are invading the UK".

The Captain replies "What, just the four of you"?

The Muslim shouts back "No, we're the last four, the rest are already there".

MIL coming tomorrow for the week.

Have been warned by wife; no comparisons between Taliban and her mum this time.

I said " fair enough -- Taliban have changed their ways."

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I can't wait for Bangkok to get back to normal, I really miss those deep fried insect legs you could get on the street.

They were the bees knees!

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhoea with a tickle fight.

I just bought a complete set of chef's knives for £200.
I wonder which one is best for piercing the film on my microwave meal?

Breaking:

A cartoonist has been found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

The Dept of Health just released a fascinating document on how to identify OCD.
I must have read it 100 times.

I've sent off my bank details to some guy in Nigeria who says I've won five million quid.
I figure there's a better chance of that being genuine than there is that four hot women
in my area want to meet me.

 

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

 

47 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Rubbish. Anthony Hopkins and Richard Burton both had two Welsh gram'mas.

 

 

 

I think you are a little bit mixed up:  Your gram'mas produced your mum or dad or both and  who are the ones, along with teachers and forum members, the ones who criticise your grammar!

57 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

 

you get the cigar Zyxel---I took it to "Word" expanded it -& still managed to miss it.

Grandma! I told you not to google that!!!