Tear Jerker
This will warm your heart.........
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say Grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
My Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae, and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your <deleted> you grumpy old bitch! "

My girlfriend bought me the Kama Sutra for my birthday.
Put me in a very awkward position.

I just went to renew my driver's licence and they gave me an HGV one!

Apparently it's because I've been driving the wife around for 30 years.

All men marry nymphomaniacs.

Then after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like a woman?

That's common sense leaving your body.

Two blokes in a bar.
One is complaining bitterly - he is very sore and very tired.
My girlfriend enjoys sex and wants it several times a day, he says.
I just can't keep up with her.
I'm desperate - What should I do?
Marry her, says his mate - that always works!

46 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I'm fuming. I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed and he's done a bunk.

I would just sleep on it if I were you.

46 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

I thought the Chinese had just done their usual habit of copying everything and had copied the Japaneese.

Oldies revisited . RIP.

Chat up line - Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

Just now, ravip said:

Chat up line - Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

Had a girlfriend who genuinely thought there was a bone (I was obviously in my youth at the time)

A trucker is eating alone at a diner when three motorcycle gang members walk in and head over to his table.

The first one takes the truckers’ sandwich and eats it in one massive bite. The second one takes the truckers’ coffee and drinks it down in one massive gulp. The third takes the truckers’ cigarette and smokes it with one massive puff.

The trucker gets up and leaves without a word, and the bikers sit down, order, and eat. As they pay the bill the first one talks to the waitress and says, “That trucker that was in here earlier wasn’t much of a man, was he?”

To which the waiter replies, “He’s not much of a driver, either. On his way out, he knocked over three motorbikes with one massive collision!”

A trucker is hauling penguins when a police officer pulls him over and says, “What are you doing? You need to take those penguins to the zoo. Here are some directions.” The next day, the officer sees the same trucker in the same truck hauling more penguins. The officer pulls him over and says, “Didn’t I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?” The trucker replies, “I did, and it was a lot of fun! Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over.

 

At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgement of his sins. He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"

The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement.

No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.

The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for $1.

She handed him the papers and the car keys. 
Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"

The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."

*Wives are Wives, in life, after death too...*