Any nuns in the house?

 

A car with four nuns unfortunately crashed on the motorway. They all died, and were immediately transported to the Gates of Heaven where St Peter was waiting for them.

 

He spoke to the four nuns. "I'll ask you all the same question. If you answer truthfully, and agree to do as I say, you are free to go through the gates into heaven."

 

To the first nun he said; "Sister Alice; did you ever touch Father Thomas' penis?"

"Yes, but only with my little finger." St Peter told her; "Go to the font full of holy water, and wash your finger."

She did as requested; St Peter nodded, and Sister Alice walked through the gates.

 

St Peter said to the second nun; "Sister Matilda; did you ever touch Father Thomas' penis?"

"Yes, but only with my hand." St Peter replied; "Go to the same holy water font, and wash your hand."

She did as requested, St Peter nodded, and Sister Matilda walked through the gates.

 

There was a little bit of argy-bargy with the last two nuns. St Peter saw that one of the nuns was trying to force her way in front.

 

St Peter asked; "Tell me Sister Teresa; why are you trying to force your way in front of the other sister?"

"Well Peter, I thought it better to get my gargle done, before Sister Mary had to wash her backside."

Edited September 25, 20214 yr by owl sees all

5 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Or a bar of chocolate, that's been in the cab all night, on a frosty morning.

 

  

 

And grow up just like his mummy and daddy!

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 20214 yr by fangless

 

A very modest but cruel parent!

 A brown paper bag went to the doctor complaining of feeling unwell.

The doctor took a blood sample and told the bag to come back the following week. 
 When the bag arrived for his follow-up appointment, the doctor said:

‘I’m afraid I have some bad news. The results of your blood tests indicate that you have haemophilia.’ 
 ‘How can I possibly have haemophilia? I’m just a plain brown paper bag.’

 

‘Yes,’ replied the doctor, ‘but it seems your mother was a carrier.’ 

 At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given a series of COVID and other injections prior to going overseas. 
Afterwards one lad asked for a glass of water. 
 ‘Not feeling too good?’ asked the medical officer. 
 ‘No, I’m just making sure I’m still watertight.’ 
 

Reasons For Men To Stay Single: 
 • Cooking your own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment. 
 • You wouldn’t have to explain why you’re wearing that shirt with those trousers. 
 • You could leave the toilet seat in any position you like. 
 • You could actually tell the bartender, ‘If anyone calls, I’m here.’ 
 • You could be painting the town instead of the house. 
 • You’d get to see what your pay check looks like. 
 • You’d get to see what your credit cards look like. 
 • You wouldn’t have to watch German films with sub-titles. 
 • You could use your own name at hotels. 
 • You could go home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge. 
 

Genuine Student Exam Answers: 
 • Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. 
 • Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away. 
 • Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky. 
 • Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot. 
 • Who invented King Arthur’s round table? - Sir Cumference. 
 • What is a seizure? - A Roman emperor. 
 • What is the fibula? - A small lie. 
 

On 9/19/2021 at 6:03 AM, sanuk711 said:

Reminds me of this old one......

 

 

A marketing manager married a woman who had previously been married nine times but still claimed to be a virgin. She explained her virginity thus: 
 ‘My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me: “It’s gonna be great!” 
 ‘My second husband worked in software services. He was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the instructions. 
 ‘My third husband was an accountant. He said he knew how to, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job to. 
 ‘My fourth husband was a teacher. He simply remarked: “Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.” 
 ‘My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method. 
 ‘My sixth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. 
 ‘My seventh husband was a professional builder, but he never finished anything he started. 
 ‘My eighth husband was a help-desk coordinator, and he kept teaching me how to do it myself. 
 ‘My ninth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now.” 
 ‘And now I am married to you, my darling, a marketing manager.’ 
 The husband looked at her and said nervously:

 

‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’ 
 

On 9/20/2021 at 12:49 AM, fangless said:

It took me a while to get the "feel" to that joke!

Blinder, innit? ????

‘Doctor, I’ve got a little sty.’

‘Well, you’d better buy a little pig then.’