Q. How do you know Santa has to be a man?
Ans. No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
Ans. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Ans. Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Q. What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Ans. Platform shoes !
Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
Ans. I'm going out tonight !

Q. What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snowman? 
A. Frostbite. 

Q. What do Snowmen call their offspring? 
A. Chill-dren. 

Q. Where do Snowmen go to dance? 
A. To snowballs. 
 

How do you know Santa is good at karate? He has a black belt!

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing - it was on the house!

What does Santa say at the start of a race? Ready, set, Ho! Ho! Ho!

Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.

What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.

Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman? Because he is so cool!

What do you call a cat on Christmas Eve? Sandy Claws.

Sorry ,no xmas this year.

 

HOW A SCOTSMAN  LIKE ME GETS HIS YARD CLEARED AND PAID FOR IT

 

 

Unfortunately this is probably true!

So I was at Rimping earlier today 
A lady was looking at frozen turkeys, but she couldn’t find one big enough for what she wanted.

She asked a member of staff, "do these turkeys get any bigger?”

 

He replied with a straight face, "No Mrs, they’re dead."

Christmas 2018

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Merry Christmas. 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use - I've forgotten my name! 

 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree! 

 

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs.

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

"Rude Olph".

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.

What is the cow’s holiday greeting?

Mooooo-ry Christmas.
 
 

Edited December 18, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? 
A Christmas Quacker!

 

What do snowmen eat for lunch? 
Iceburgers from Iceland!

 

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? 
They always drop their needles!

 

What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas Advent Calendar? 
He got 25 days!

 

What is a skunks favorite Christmas song? 
Jingle smells!

 

What is Santa's dogs name? 
Santa's Paws!