Courtroom Quotes

[Axel]

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

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LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's

vagina show?

WITNESS: There were traces of semen.

LAWYER: Male semen?

WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

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LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?

WITNESS: No.

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LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did

you observe with respect to your scalp?

WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

LAWYER: It was covered?

WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.

LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?

WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed

and put on top of my head.

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CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it".

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth

and..."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall

be the

truth and..."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".

WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

CLERK: Yes.

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.

CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",

"The", Truth".

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

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LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse

down the footpath to the cowshed?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck

pond?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And did you observe anything?

WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

WITNESS: I saw George.

LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?

WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

LAWYER: His "thing"?

WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you

were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?

WITNESS: Of course I did!

LAWYER: What did you say to him?

WITNESS: "Morning, George."

[Kan Win]

LOL

Nice post Axel.

Opps "Are one liners not banned yet" ?????? sorry. If so, I just posted two bin liners LOL

Edited May 26, 2004 by Kan Win

[Axel]

Kan Win, thanks,

I liked this report when I found it today. You don't worry about one-liners, including the smilies you are up to seven., save after all

I am only worried about the last one, so I solemnly declare that the defendant's name was George, which by no means intentionally or otherwise, would refer to any other person, accidentally or not, responding to the same name. Should there be any, even remote similarity in name, color, shape or duck, coincidential similarity exist to real persons, I further wish to state that it was never my intention to make any political statement referring to George (W.B.)

And BTW, me thinks it is very polite to say "Good morning..."