Calling all farang husbands who've moved back home: What's your experience with cultural differences for your wife when you get there?

[poker365]

Bit of a long post and slightly venting but I thought there must be others with similar experiences as me out there. How do you deal with cultural differences and the problem they cause at home?

 

We just made it back to the UK and we’ve had a baby now, she’s 5 months old. The most beautiful baby girl in the world. She was born 4th of July - independence baby. It felt a fitting date.

 

We’ve moved in with my Mum in London, as I pay off huge amounts debt accrued because of the visa application and expensive doctors in Thailand during the pregnancy.

 

There are a few major cultural differences that I never saw/noticed before we moved here between my wife and I:

 

1. The parents to new babies don’t/can’t normally give up work as they provide for the elder generation. The elder generation typically care for the baby while the parent goes to work.
2. The elder generation is respected and revered because they have provided and worked so hard all their children’s lives for them to be put through school, fed, clothed, housed (normal parent duties). After school, it is expected of kids to repay their parents and typically pay a monthly amount.
3. “Saving Face” is a huge part of the values system. If a child doesn’t provide for the mother/father they will lose face with their (very large) family as the child is seen to be shirking their responsibilities to the family. It doesn’t “Look” good.
4. Paying a dowry is a normal practice in Thailand. The man should fork out a large amount of money to “thank” the parents for providing for the women while she grew up. Not doing so again causes loss of face.

 

These values while seemingly quite irrelevant in western society, are in fact quite pervasive in the thinking of my wife and manifest themselves in many different ways through her actions, especially towards her parenting style.

 

This was how my wife was raised. Her parents are from a northern farming village and when they had her and her brother, they gave them to my wife’s grandmother and moved to Bangkok to look for work. They would be gone for months without seeing her. She went to school in the village and only moved in with her parents when she was 15 years old and could go to High school.

 

This has often left my wife feeling very ostracised from her mother and father, she doesn’t have a close bond with them but wants to be seen by them as a good daughter. To her own family it is important to present the picture of being a perfect daughter. And what being a perfect daughter seems to mean is keeping up with the monthly payments to her mum. Her mum ignores her calls and is totally disengaged and unpleasant to her whenever she fails to make a payment. Which obviously being pregnant for 9 months and having a 5 month old baby - she hasn’t done for a year.

 

It also seems to make her feel deep down that the grandparents should be the ones shouldering the responsibility of raising the baby. She seems to resent my mum for not helping more than she does. She seems to resent me because she cannot work and send payments back to her family every month and keep up appearances. As a result it seems she feels she is working too hard taking care of the baby. I try to tell her that a baby is hard work and because of this have struggled with my work/life balance.

 

I’m the sole earner in the house and I work online from home. As a result of which I am always around to help, something which i feel she takes advantage of way too often. My work has suffered because of it, I don’t get 8 hours a day in at this point and any work I do get in is sub-par because there are constant distractions. I recently had a performance review and i’m close to losing my job. My employer is based in Australia and has allowed me to move back to the UK as long as I maintain AU working hours. So my working pattern is very weird. I have a sleep at 10pm until 2am - work from 2 until 9am - sleep until 12pm or whenever she comes in with the baby to wake me up to help. Then sometimes I can get some work done in the afternoon but most of the time from the minute I wake up she hands the baby off to me.

 

I want to support her as best I can, but it feels i’m fighting a losing battle.

 

We argue about this all the time, I ask her to help take the baby more so I can get more work done in the daytime when i’m alert. She takes it to heart big time and thinks i’m calling her a bad mother and just generally saying she is a <deleted> person. I try to explain that i’m just asking her to DO more, her character and the way i feel about her is not in question. My mum has seen how much I do with work and taking care of the baby, she has seen that my wife is shirking the majority of baby-raising responsibilities on to me to the detriment of my work and my sleep.

 

Obviously sleep is something that is not easy to get with a newborn in the house. But our baby is good as gold - most nights she’ll sleep from 10pm until 10am with 2-3 wake ups in the middle of the night for a feed. Most times she’ll be back asleep within 30 minutes. My wife says that I never help in the night - because i’m working - and that she is extremely tired but she sleeps most of the day after I take my shift and all night, sure she has to get up every 3-4 hours to feed the baby but at least she doesn’t have to work having meetings with clients from 2am->9am in the morning.

 

What do other dads do when you’re working but your wife isn’t? Are you still up in the night to help despite early starts and commutes into the city?

 

I’ve been looking for new jobs, not because i hate my job but because I think it will be better for us to have clear boundaries. I go to work, she takes care of the baby. Then when I come back we swap. I think the blurring of the lines is contributing to the problem. I know she has it easy compared to most Mums whose partners are not around in the day to help. I really would rather be making it easier for her and I want to be around the baby while she grows - I don’t want to be driven from the house but I can’t work in this environment.

 

Every time we argue on this topic her default reaction is to cut and run. She says she’ll move back to Thailand and take the baby. I say that isn’t an option, we need to make it work here. We tried so hard getting here and she really wanted to move here - she hasn’t even made a go of building a life here yet. Doesn’t go to baby clubs, doesn’t have friends apart from those she met through me, doesn’t want to get a part time job yet. The only life she leads is a home life. She has chosen this route and and i’m here to support her but she can’t up and leave breaking apart the whole family because its the easier option.

 

It seems she thinks when I push her to take more of the baby work that she would rather break us up, take the baby back to Thailand where at least she can hand the baby off to her mum. I feel so bad because when I say she can’t do that it’s like i’m trapping her, but I know that if I let her do that she won’t ever come back. I’ll be a single dad who has to travel to Thailand 3 times a year just to see his daughter for a few days. My daughter will be raised by my wife’s mum, taken up to the village, my wife will lose her bond with her.

 

She’ll barely see her own daughter and the cycle of children craving a parental bond, growing up wanting to impress their parents who only love them conditionally when they send them money every month continues. I can’t let this happen to my daughter!

 

I’m trying to work out whether this is all stemming from the cultural differences or whether this is just normal workings out of the family routine? Is there any other western dads married to asians who can speak to this? 

 

If it is a cultural thing that i’m not going to get around how can I be more sensitive to it? Maybe we should both just move back to Thailand now?

[JAFO]

I personally think you are fighting 3 normal issues. New Family, Moving one partner to a different country and the endless cultural challenges. 

 

I can speak to the latter 2

 

My wife was very reserved at first when we moved to my home country. It took about 6 months for her to settle in. Regardless the 5 years we lived in the states we always had random cultural differences. I will say we have had far less cultural differences with us living in Thailand. It just seems to be easier. 

 

I wouldn't over analyze it. Just go with the flow and remember that having a new born is always a challenge for everybody.

 

Good Luck and be patient.

 

 

[poker365]

29 minutes ago, JAFO said:

I personally think you are fighting 3 normal issues. New Family, Moving one partner to a different country and the endless cultural challenges. 

 

I can speak to the latter 2

 

My wife was very reserved at first when we moved to my home country. It took about 6 months for her to settle in. Regardless the 5 years we lived in the states we always had random cultural differences. I will say we have had far less cultural differences with us living in Thailand. It just seems to be easier. 

 

I wouldn't over analyze it. Just go with the flow and remember that having a new born is always a challenge for everybody.

 

Good Luck and be patient.

 

 

This is great advice! Thanks a lot!

 

I am prone to over thinking - helps to hear that its normal issues. I guess she just blows it out of proportion so much I start to think maybe it is serious but definitely prefer to look at it as normal couple issues. 

 

Care to share any of the cultural differences you experienced?

[bwpage3]

First of all you should have known your work hours and what you were getting into.

 

Second, should understand in her culture, the grandparents do care for the baby a lot of the time

 

Third, she doesn't have any "face" or respect because you are living with your mother.

 

Pretty sure she didn't marry a foreigner to have no money and be living with your mother.

 

Her fits are probably more internally related to the fact you don't have a house for her, or a car or anything else.

 

These women get married to better their lives. It sounds like your current situation has made her life worse?

 

She can always up and leave and never get the idea she cannot. All she has to go is get to an Embassy and she will be out of there.

 

You brought her there, you better man up and quit worrying about your sleep and job, and concentrate on keeping your family together.

 

The best think you can go is get a normal job, and have a normal life

 

It is not normal to live with your mother, bills or no bills.

 

She is probably finding out first hand, no matter what you told her all along, that you cannot provide the kind of life she was expecting, namely a house, car, money in her pocket, etc.

 

Some farangs think these women are 100% in love which is never the answer. The answer always is a sacrifice to have a better life. She was probably better off in Thailand and maybe you should have stayed there?

 

How long do you plan on staying with your mother?

 

Will you ever be able to afford a house, car, education for kid and all the luxuries that come from marrying an expat and living abroad?

 

If not in a timely manner, the chances are she will not survive that long without wanting out.

 

You are never going to force her against her will, that will make her hate you and want to leave.

 

Better give this your 100% attention, good luck.

 

 

[barry553]

Not all Thai women want to palm off their kid on to someone else. My wife for instance didn't have a problem being a stay at home mum. It is true that it is has been and still is part of the culture for the grandparents to look after the kids but that is out of necessity as the wages are so low. I would personally find it disturbing if the mother does not want to take responsibility and enjoy spending time looking after their child in what is quite an easy and rewarding time for mums, in my experience. From what  you have been saying it seems she is unreasonable and there is no need to pander or make excuses for her. Being independent and responsible (an adult) is a lesson a lot of young Thai women don't want to learn and only do so when they are forced to.

[sunnyboy2018]

Im sorry to say that the filial piety you describe is a primitive, agrarian,  third world, sexist phenomenon.  In Thailand as in the rest of Asia it's the female who carries the burden of family honour and material support. Never the males. It is wrong and does not exist in modern societies that have justice and social equality as major goals.  East is east and West is west and never the twain shall meet. Im sorry to say the fault lines in the foundation of your relationship that were covered up in Issan are revealed on return to a modern industrial parliamentary democracy and the societal norms that underpin it. Its a very sad situation and one I have been aware of for decades. Its not just Thailand but everywhere where close extended families are the norm women bare the brunt and are negatively impacted. The myth of inter family cross generation support is actually a claustrophobic web of control and emotional dependance. I have noticed this in The Arab world and even Irish,  Italian and Portuguese families. Good luck with everything. You're a better man than I am Gunga Din.

[JAFO]

4 hours ago, bwpage3 said:

These women get married to better their lives.

Ya know bwpage3, you continue with your diatribe on this site about Thai women and people like you have it all figured out. You married a Thai and moved back to the US..No?  So your wife is one of "These women" you reference? Just asking for clarification.  

 

 @poker365Typically all people look to their new partner to improve ones life in some way. Could be Personal security, Family potential, financial security, companionship, Fun, travel, or all of them. etc. Relationships are always a work in progress. Do not over think it, give it some time to settle in. Keep an open line of communication going about what she is feeling or concerned about. My wife and I used to have a "Date" night where we went out and sat at dinner and just talked about what is going OK and what is not. Initially my wife did not work as we waited for her to get a green card but once she did she find work almost immediately and that improved everything as she felt like she was contributing.  

 

 

 

 

[Kenny202]

Quite a few things at play here. Firstly many of these women, particularly from a remote village have approximately the maturity and intelligence of around half their age. Usually lazy to boot. Not sure of her age but if she's in her 20's as far as being an attentive mother you will be lucky to get her to be a reluctant big sister type at best. They have the maternal instincts and mothering skills of a cuckoo. The second thing at play here is she herself was abandoned when she was a child and will have a whole raft of issues due to this. Funny when a child s abandoned, neglected or abused by their parents, they seem to spend the rest of their life trying to garner favour with them. She will probably be selfish, entitled....Nothing like you would expect from a western point of view from a girl coming from near poverty. Many of us make the mistake of thinking these girls will be so appreciative of having a nice home, what we perceive as a better life etc. Nope. It is nothing more than show off value for them, a few FB selfies. They'd much rather be living in their small shacks, sitting out the front eating som tum with their friends. You think you have given her an upgrade....she thinks she has sacrificed her previous life to get whatever her perception of "hollywood" is living with you. These girls don't like living in a western style home, it's like a prison for them. And like pack animals they comfort in being surrounded by many people, all the time. She didn't work for a couple of years to pay for her visa and travel to the UK. She has no skin in the game and nothing to lose so it's all up to her. Not sure if she came from a bar or not but if she did she will be calculating whether she was earning more in the bar than being with you....this will be on her mind all the time. Leave kid with mum, send her a few bucks every month....mums happy. girl living what she perceives as a "glamorous" life in Pattaya or Phuket.

 

It sounds like a lot of things you are putting down to cultural issues but they aren't really. It's probably more your GF or wife's perception of what she should be getting. She probably herself doesn't even know what this is, she's just heard that it's like Disneyland living with a farang, she'll get money every month, parents get money every month...she'll sit on her a$$ every day and do nothing.

 

I went the same route as you forever trying to please someone forgetting all about my own happiness. I used to ask her what she did for me....and she'd stop and think and say..."I live with you every day". Lucky me. Funny thing is a Thai man would never be expected to help with the kids in anyway. As soon as she opened her gob she'd receive a back hander, and another if the first one wasn't enough. If she lived in the situation you were in now ie living with husband and mother in law she would basically be the mother in laws slave and be expected to take care of your whole family. I am sure any Thai girl many of the girls most of us have met complained about Thai guys being lazy, abusive, drunk etc. This is what I can never understand? They are happy to accept all that from a Thai husband but they get a farang guy who is considerate and caring and they start taking the p$$. I used to say to mine you're not like a bad wife, you're like a lazy Thai husband. When you first come here with many women throwing themselves at us and we all get the idea we are a very prized commodity here. All the women want a farang. I have come to understand though they see being with a farang as a downgrade, and they will accept the downgrade in return for all the riches and wealth they perceive they will get. You need to stop looking at your relationship as cultural issues. Any marriage is a partnership and partnerships need to be equal. It's very easy to get stuck in a cycle of constantly trying to please and accomodate her. It's sounds to me like she is just too immature and uneducated to appreciate the opportunity she has. Good luck with it all and I know it is very hard having a child involved. In the end I opted to take care of my 3 month old son alone. She just wasn't worth the trouble and grief anymore 

[Bruce Aussie Chiang Mai]

New baby, new country living with in laws all be hard for her.

Go out your way find some Thai friends for her if like Australia be hundreds men with Thai wives close to you.

My wife was lonely a first in Australia, then I met a guy in supermarket who was shopping with an Asian wife. I asked him was she Thai and she was. We exchanged phone numbers next day after a phone call my wife had a friend.

Within 2 weeks she had 6 friends. After 3 years I wanted to retire in Thailand, she agreed and hear we are she still in regular contact with Aussie Thai friends.

It not all about money with all Thai ladies many of us have loving wives. Regardless marriages have up and downs, support and love each other thinks will work out hopefully.

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[samsensam]

 

i guess your wife had little, or no, experience of travel outside thailand, especially to western/european countries, therefore her enthusiasm to relocate was, probably, based on unrealistic and ill informed expectations and the reality was somewhat different - i mean; living with your mum? really?!

 

common sense suggests you should really have taken her home as a tourist before you married to give her a realistic understanding of the life you were offering her.

[Kenny202]

33 minutes ago, Bruce Aussie Chiang Mai said:

New baby, new country living with in laws all be hard for her.

Go out your way find some Thai friends for her if like Australia be hundreds men with Thai wives close to you.

My wife was lonely a first in Australia, then I met a guy in supermarket who was shopping with an Asian wife. I asked him was she Thai and she was. We exchanged phone numbers next day after a phone call my wife had a friend.

Within 2 weeks she had 6 friends. After 3 years I wanted to retire in Thailand, she agreed and hear we are she still in regular contact with Aussie Thai friends.

It not all about money with all Thai ladies many of us have loving wives. Regardless marriages have up and downs, support and love each other thinks will work out hopefully.

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Agree there are many good Thai girls here. Genuine, loving, trustworthy but it's unlikely you will find one in a bar or a village. As far as the friends thing goes this can be problematic in itself, depending on the class of girl and the friends she hooks up with. Many of the girls back home have come from a bar background and I have seen many guys relationships go south when the girls meet new friends of this background or of their own class. Gambling etc. One used to disappear for days to the casino. Most of the friends my then Thai GF met in Australia were only interested in talking about what they were getting and most if not all all asked my wife if I could find them a new guy as they didn't like the guy they were with ie: the guy had woken up and the money had dried up. One of them offered her a job doing mobile cleaning services for old blokes but it turned out the home wasn;t the only thing she would be polishing. I really do feel sorry for you as I don't see much hope for this relationship and things will probably get worse. The "poor her" living in a foreign country etc. She has to put an oar in the water and row / make an effort too. It shouldn't be all about her. Like I said, they have nothing to lose...you on the other hand have probably invested a small fortune in her. You will never please her parents and I doubt they even know or would be interested in what your name is. Any money you give them will be p$$ed up the wall on lottery, grog or repayment of loans and whatever you give will never be enough. As far as Thai culture goes sin sot, payments to family etc is based on what you will receive in the way of inheritance in the future. Start asking yourself, and maybe your wife  what you are getting from the relationship. She has to bring more to the party than her p$$y. Many of these girls have nothing to offer, most can't even drive and wouldn't normally be able to find a Thai husband over and above the village drunk who in turn she would support . People who have nothing need everything. Have a serious look at what you are getting from the relationship. If it is zero start re evaluating your options hopefully with the best interests of the child foremost.

Edited December 7, 2019 by Kenny202

[RichardColeman]

My first Thai wife that I took back to the UK (who I later divorced for business fraud) used to say to me 'it's the Thai way' when she did things I thought a little odd. To which I just replied 'well, you're living in UK now, so it's the UK way from now on' !

[roo860]

To the OP, did your wife visit the UK for any length of time previously?

[potless]

11 hours ago, poker365 said:

I have a sleep at 10pm until 2am - work from 2 until 9am - sleep until 12pm or whenever she comes in with the baby to wake me

IMHO, your sleep pattern is having a negative influence on your job and relationship. You need a solid 8 hours before or after work. You are working when you should be in your deepest sleep. Maybe your partner has a touch of post natal blues and a gloomy U.K. winter doesnt help. I note that you have debts but could you squeeze a few quid out of the budget for her to send back from time to time? Good luck anyway.

[villagefarang]

I sometimes wonder if guys put any thought into marriage and what it entails, before they actually get married.  Too many seem to just jump in headfirst without knowing what they are jumping into.  It is a little hard to fix things after you have already hit the rocks.

[TheFishman1]

You should man up stop crying about your sleep your schedule try being a husband and father living with your mom LOL

[1FinickyOne]

14 hours ago, poker365 said:

Maybe we should both just move back to Thailand now?

We were given custody of my niece... my wife has a large and loving family. Early on I made the decision that she would be better off being brought-up in their midst... rather than a "better" education in the west... she is a good student, a bright and happy kid, and I guess she will be able to go into whatever field she chooses. She is a Thai in Thailand. 

 

One friend brought his daughter back to USA and he is struggling to make a living and who knows what issues his daughter will face there... it is not a bad life here... people complain about the education system but all of the children are on a par... 

 

My niece's happiness is what makes it worthwhile...

 

i know your decision is not as easy... but good luck. 

 

ps - biggest issue for my wife in USA was food and I tried to hook up with as many Thai people as we could find... 

Edited December 7, 2019 by kenk24

[baansgr]

Women can suffer from.post natal depression, and with everything your wife has had to cope with moving maybe she needs medical help, however, without sounding bad about your wife it seems she is the typical lazy Thai. As for the monthly payments, I know of two divorces in the UK as sterling plummeted and the 20k a month became too.much...There are many Thais in the UK and with social media and internet your wife should never feel alone even though she's in a different country....support her all you can but she needs to realize you put food on the table so she needs to care of the baby 

[4MyEgo]

15 hours ago, poker365 said:

There are a few major cultural differences that I never saw/noticed before we moved here between my wife and I:

 

1. The parents to new babies don’t/can’t normally give up work as they provide for the elder generation. The elder generation typically care for the baby while the parent goes to work.
2. The elder generation is respected and revered because they have provided and worked so hard all their children’s lives for them to be put through school, fed, clothed, housed (normal parent duties). After school, it is expected of kids to repay their parents and typically pay a monthly amount.
3. “Saving Face” is a huge part of the values system. If a child doesn’t provide for the mother/father they will lose face with their (very large) family as the child is seen to be shirking their responsibilities to the family. It doesn’t “Look” good.
4. Paying a dowry is a normal practice in Thailand. The man should fork out a large amount of money to “thank” the parents for providing for the women while she grew up. Not doing so again causes loss of face.

I didn't dare read all of your post, but will go back to it after this.

 

I don't buy this cultural <deleted>, in saying that, from my experience, it all boils down to the girl and what you both agreed on.

 

1) Depending on the circumstances, yes, the parents will go to work while the grandparents look after the bub

 

2) The girl wasn't asked to be born into this world, so repaying a debt based on culture, is <deleted>, my wife doesn't and she is from a village and provides some food every now and again, some small money, 500-1,000 baht on special occasions. Her parents are not well off by far, they live off the land and what small change their kids give them, i.e. the other two daughters are divorced, have kids and make little, so my wife is not a burden to her parents as they don't have to feed them, or raise her kids while the others go out drinking, and are happy that she has a farang who can offer her a good life.

 

3) Absolute <deleted>, as my wife puts it, it's called emotional blackmail, if your buy it and her parents have NEVER put it on her, although we know of a girl, her cousin who has had major dramas with her parents as she married a Korean and they have been needy ever since and make her know of it, albeit the husband is about to walk with my wife telling her to tell them to fark off in a nice way and if they don't, she will go back to Korea, but then again, she is a weird one.

 

4) Who cares, my wife didn't ask for one, although I offered and she said, "up to you' and naturally appreciated the gesture so that her parents could lift their status from Jones, to Smith in the eyes of the village folk...lol

 

In saying the above, your the man of the house, either she will follow or you can send her back, kid and all, seriously, you have one life, and it should be a happy one, in saying that, she shouldn't be breaking them, work out a plan to stand on your own two feet, you don't need mum in your life, unless your wife really needs to work to feed her family, but what about your family and your debt, has to be light at the end of the tunnel, but your family first and if she can't understand that, send her back, as for her parents, if your sending more than 10,000 baht a month back, forget it. 

 

Harsh words, but I'm a harsh bloke.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2019 by 4MyEgo

[CH1961]

No problems at all, just put her in a bar for working there and sit all the night long in front of her and drink beer ????

[allanos]

The OP didn't state his wife's level of English.  Even if it is reasonable, though, comprehension, and understanding of "concepts", will remain a challenge. She will be like a fish out of water, and the OP needs to recognise this.  There is a huge Thai community in the UK/ London, so he needs to concentrate on getting into a Thai/ British circle where the wife can make new friends, chat in her home language, and start to learn how the other wives made the necessary adjustments.  The sooner the OP gets another job where he is not forced to work according to the Oz time zone will also go a long way toward regularising their lives.  The other issues can be resolved on an ad hoc basis, as time goes on.

[Kenny202]

2 hours ago, TheFishman1 said:

You should man up stop crying about your sleep your schedule try being a husband and father living with your mom LOL

What a stupid, ignorant, typical TV throw away one liner. Lol? You don't know what the guys situation is. Not like he said he was living with his overbearing mummy as the picture some are painting. Probably makes good sense to be in available accomodation while the poor guy is getting on his feet.

[Kenny202]

3 minutes ago, allanos said:

The OP didn't state his wife's level of English.  Even if it is reasonable, though, comprehension, and understanding of "concepts", will remain a challenge. She will be like a fish out of water, and the OP needs to recognise this.  There is a huge Thai community in the UK/ London, so he needs to concentrate on getting into a Thai/ British circle where the wife can make new friends, chat in her home language, and start to learn how the other wives made the necessary adjustments.  The sooner the OP gets another job where he is not forced to work according to the Oz time zone will also go a long way toward regularising their lives.  The other issues can be resolved on an ad hoc basis, as time goes on.

Too many of us get sucked into this need to take care of every aspect of her life thing because she has gone overseas. How many of you guys that came to live in Thailand had their wives or girlfriends take care of them the same way you did when / if she came to your country? I remember doing everything for mine. Sourcing areas to go buy her food, temples, apps for Thai TV....everything including paying agents to do visas etc. She was hopeless and more fool me for trying to make a life with a not only uneducated but lazy selfish human being. She made no effort to do anything except complain ....but I got a lot of promises about how she was going to take care of me in Thailand. Yeah right. Had to find my own way in every aspect of everything. Most of the women here who are actively seeking a farang husband are doing it for all the wrong reasons. Usually because they have a kid or two, no one else would want them and they are seriously in debt and in a hopeless situation. As for bar girls they are not working in Pattaya because they "no hab choice" need take care family. They are there for the same reasons prostitutes all over the world sell themselves. Lazy easy money. There are no hookers with a heart of gold...anywhere.

[Muhendis]

7 hours ago, villagefarang said:

I sometimes wonder if guys put any thought into marriage and what it entails, before they actually get married.  Too many seem to just jump in headfirst without knowing what they are jumping into.

Not too much excitement if you drag this courting thing on for years. Enjoy the challenge.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years 6 of which were spent in South Wales UK. She had her job and I had mine. The only "cultural" thing was when her Thai friends came to visit they would all sit on a beach mat on the floor with a veritable mountain of assorted Thai snacks in the middle. Not a problem and lots of humour.

Edited December 7, 2019 by Muhendis
smell check

[kingofthemountain]

16 hours ago, barry553 said:

My wife for instance didn't have a problem being a stay at home mum

One of the main problems is the OP doesn't have actualy a home

 

The thai girl was well aware of her future situation before to move to UK or not?

I am not sure at all. Anyway i can understand she is not at ease in this

sort of unhealthy threesome (The MIL, the son\bf and the thai girl)

where the baby becomes more an issue in the power struggle.

[DrPhibes]

2 hours ago, allanos said:

The OP didn't state his wife's level of English.  Even if it is reasonable, though, comprehension, and understanding of "concepts", will remain a challenge. She will be like a fish out of water, and the OP needs to recognise this.  There is a huge Thai community in the UK/ London, so he needs to concentrate on getting into a Thai/ British circle where the wife can make new friends, chat in her home language, and start to learn how the other wives made the necessary adjustments.  The sooner the OP gets another job where he is not forced to work according to the Oz time zone will also go a long way toward regularising their lives.  The other issues can be resolved on an ad hoc basis, as time goes on.

My Issan wife was miserable the 1st couple of years in a beautiful area of Southern CA (with a new baby) even with me having the type of well paying self-employment that gave me about 8 months off to help out.  It was not until years later when we moved to Fort Collins CO AND we found a great group of Thai ladies and their husbands that my wife was truly happy.  Now that we are here in CM giving my teens a few years living outside of the US, she is counting down the days to head back to CO.  Social life is VERY important to the Thai women I have met, more so than money often times.

[torturedsole]

3 hours ago, 4MyEgo said:

I don't buy this cultural <deleted>, in saying that, from my experience, it all boils down to the girl and what you both agreed on.

Spot on, 4MyEgo.

 

My wife also resides with me in the UK for the past nine years.  We don't have kids or debt and have always lived on our own, though these circumstances probably don't have any bearing on whether we would have survived this long, anyway.  I won't even state that I had supernatural powers of foresight to know that it would work out as it's all down to sheer luck [notwithstanding joint effort, determination and hard work, of course], as I'd expect with marrying a lady of any nationality.  My wife had never visited the UK either prior to our marriage.

 

OP, you appear to place considerable weight on perceived cultural differences which I can't identify with, almost like you're looking for an ulterior excuse rather than facing the fragilities in your relationship.  

 

Living with your mother doesn't seem such a biggie to me either as Thais are more than used to living within an extended family group, babies and all.  In fact, they seem to thrive on familial social interaction.  Saying that, my wife can take or leave social interaction with fellow Thais in the UK, but she does phone her mum in LOS every day which is a mainstay.  

 

I can't proffer any specific relationship advice as I've not the relationship insight of an agony aunt.  Take it easy, be gentle and as understanding as you can and see what comes of it.  

 

 

 

 

[Kenny202]

39 minutes ago, kingofthemountain said:

One of the main problems is the OP doesn't have actualy a home

 

The thai girl was well aware of her future situation before to move to UK or not?

I am not sure at all. Anyway i can understand she is not at ease in this

sort of unhealthy threesome (The MIL, the son\bf and the thai girl)

where the baby becomes more an issue in the power struggle.

She would see nothing unusual living with the mother in law or the family home. Most live like that here. You blokes giving advice have you actually ever been out of Pattaya or even come to Thailand? As far as being aware of her future circumstances she wouldnt have listened or put any thought into it anyway. She would of been thinking about the bragging rights and selfies on facebook

[digibum]

I noticed that OP posted the same exact novel on Reddit, word-for-word.  

 

I also noticed that OP responded to the people being supportive of him (like he did here) and then bugged out when people started giving him harsher advice.  

 

Bottom line is that I don’t understand how OP was expecting to support his wife if the visa process and her pregnancy (in Thailand) put him into debt.  

 

[GinBoy2]

1 hour ago, Muhendis said:

Not too much excitement if you drag this courting thing on for years. Enjoy the challenge.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years 6 of which were spent in South Wales UK. She had her job and I had mine. The only "cultural" thing was when her Thai friends came to visit they would all sit on a beach mat on the floor with a veritable mountain of assorted Thai snacks in the middle. Not a problem and lots of humour.

I had to laugh at this. 

 

My Thai wife who was raised from her teenage years in Chicago with her Uncle before returning to Asia, then ultimately coming back to the US with me still does the same.

 

Thai friends come around and it's back to sitting on the floor with mountains of food, and LOUD talk.

 

It's got to be in their DNA somewhere, they have a special gene.

 

But to the OP.

 

She may well be suffering postpartum depression, which coupled with being in a strange environment and culture is making things worse.

 

Now our situation is a little different since my wife went to the US as a teenager, lived there all through college, so knew exactly what she was getting into when we came back.

 

But she'll freely admit that for a lot of her relatives, they have a totally unrealistic view of what life in 'mythical magical' farangland is like.

 

Now if the OP's wife is from a village in Isaan, and I'm not being judgmental here, but if she speaks English the chances are she was in the 'entertainment' industry are quite high. In that world the expectations of that better life are super high.

 

So a lot of moving parts, and it's a tough row to hoe. 

 

But, and I can't remember if the OP said they live in London or not, but I can't believe that anywhere in the UK, least of all London hasn't got a huge female Thai population to get her hooked into. That will help big time