Miscellany

[Up2U]

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are

too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you

can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there

anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look

at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?

Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go

for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people

in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think

it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other

one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the

other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So

that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"