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On a family vacation in Thailand,


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Hello Guys,

 

We spent the last three weeks with my wife's parents in their house in Thailand. We are living in Europe.
I can't complain about their generosity to us we got everything that we needed like a motorbike, the car they brought food for us... 

Maybe for a start, I shall describe my mother/father-in-law. 
They are just simple Thais all life selling things on the market has a pretty hard life. I can say last eight years they have gotten better life, their business has risen they have nice cars, got land made a house for each kid that's why kids like stay near mom and bought so important gold for them :-). I think they are different than other Thais mainstream. They don't call/expect money from kids, but they are doing the opposite way to support their adult kids. Some of my wife's sisters make use of their generosity, but it is another story. 

My wife's childhood is living only with her original dad, which broke up with her mom. So my father-in-law is like my stepfather in low (he lived with my mother in low for 30 years.) 

I am coming to the point of my topic. Despite their generosity, I felt some kind of cold from my mother/father-in-law. Maybe it is because my speaking Thais ability is 0. I am still thinking about the last day when parents in law sent us to Airport. I hugged my mother-in-law; she did the same it is a good point. Step Father did not look in my eye, and I shook hands with him, but it was the most disrespectful shaking hands in my life. I know if I did their Thai greeting, he rarely answered back to me that why I use shacking hand instead of in good hope, he will be able to answer right. 

Is that the standard manner of a Thai man? Or this is quite a petty thing which I shouldn't care about. Father-in-law was all time like this style beginning we marry together with my wife couple of years ago. I was just thinking about why.

 

Thank for all kinds of your comments

 


 

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1 hour ago, rwill said:

Appearing to be well off can also mean well in debt.  They may have appreciated some help back.

 

Parents do not wai their children back no matter how old they are.  By extension they may consider you as one of their children.  You should only expect a verbal response when you wai them.   As a side note, when a child wais you don't wai them back, just a verbal response.  There are also different nuances of respect when waiing.  Such as how high your hands are and if you nod your head or not.

 

If it was the first time you met them they may be unsure of how to act with a farang.  But may warm up upon getting to know you better.

 

Most Thai's give foreigners a lot of leeway because they know they are not familiar with Thai customs.  But don't try and push your customs on them either.  They just aren't used to it.

 

All pretty good advice. I wouldn't try to wai or anything like that much. Your social status is much higher than theirs and they will be laughing behind your back. Not my feelings by the way, just the way it is here.

 

Learn some of the language if you can but if you aren't living here full time unless you are good with languages you probably wont get much past the basics. You would have to be here a long time talking with Thais every day to have a fluent conversation. And then the Isaan dialect is different to traditional Thai. In any case even speaking simple non tonal phrases in Thai to local people generally met with a blank stare...they just seem to freeze up assuming you are talking to them in a different language.

 

My personal feelings are you FIL whist maybe never asked for money, expects it and doesn't understand why you're not kicking the tin when you are bonking his daughter. Maybe he is putting pressure on your wife all the time and she isn't telling you. This is the part of the culture that is very hard for us to understand. Not sure on you're wife's educational / job prospect status is but many of us have ladies that essentially bring a lot of baggage, debts, problems...sometimes children to the table and often not a lot more. Many can't cook, drive. Can't take care of themselves or kids let alone anyone else. Would struggle to get any sort of job nor would want one. And somehow you are expected to support their daughter...who would in her culture be worthless to a Thai man and little hope of marriage let alone support another mans kids...You give her / kids a much better life than she would otherwise have and you are expected to shower her and the parents with riches and offer general monthly financial assistance. All without a thank you or modicum of common decency or respect. 

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Avoid any physical contact and keep The Wall in place. Thailand is totally different and it's useless to try to fit in. I've known parents that have never even hugged their own children. The advantages of not speaking Thai can be huge too. You won't have time partake in mindless chatter and people won't come to you asking for money. 

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13 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Bit hard to say for sure but about the hugs, handshakes everyone here is terrified of covid at the moment. Could be a factor. Other than that if they are older village type people they aren't really very touchy feely anyway. I remember my first girl here going to meet her mother hadn't seen her for three years. No hugs no warmth. No formal goodbyes either when they left. I guarantee after knowing her 5 years she wouldnt have known my name nor did she ever seem interested in me in anyway. Used to point at me and say farang....like I was a fridge or something. Im not sure if this is rudeness or what it is but I have met other people who were 100% the opposite. Other than that, and in my experience but I have sensed some (not all) older Thai guys here (50+) seem to dislike foreigners but I could be misreading that. Met some great Thai people and have a lot of Thai friends but they are more Westernised. Know some very decent village folks who are exceptionally lovely people too but we're never going to have that much in common with them. (Lived in 3 remote villages). Other than that I dont stress over it anymore and dont fall over myself to make people like me. I am always polite and respectful but I am certainly not bowing and scraping to poor villagers that are treating me like I'm not there. 

Be honest, 99.9% of Thais never shake hands with each other.

 

They are mostly aware that foreigners do shake hands but their knowledge of how to do this correctly/politely is probably zero. Not surprising.

 

E.g.

- Who puts their hand out first?

- Is it important to shake hands with the joined hands at a specific level?

- Can you shake hands sitting down?

- The exact position of the thumb?

- How many seconds before you disengage the hands?

- Who withdraws their hand first?

- Are there specific/polite spoken words to use at time of the handshake?

- Perhaps they are thinking 'I don't know how to do this (when a foreigner puts their hand out, and they are frightened they will do it wrong, so they just don't engage in the handshake.

- and more...

 

And, are they interested to learn?

 

Probably no because the number of time they need to shake hands with a foreigner is maybe: never, once or twice in 10 years/a lifetime. And they have more things to worry about and get involved in for food for all. 

 

Edited by scorecard
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18 minutes ago, Tony125 said:

 Also when visiting from Europe you should have brought her family a gift  from Europe/your home country. Doesn't really need to be expensive but something they could not usually get here as a sign of appreciation of thier hospitality to you and respect for her family.

  

I disagree with buying them gifts they could not usually get here unless we are talking about educated city people. I would leave that up to the missus. They would probably appreciate some Thai snacks or foods or something they are familiar with. Infact I would leave most things to your missus as far as appeasing inlaws. I don't do any of that stuff anymore including visiting temples. Most of the time I found it boring or uncomfortable and seemed to get no kudos for it so don't put myself out in anyway now.

 

When I first arrived here in a very remote poor village...all I wanted to do was help people in anyway I could. I was reminded of something someone told me about Asian culture, particularly Thai that any well meaning charitable attempts to help people here are seen in two ways. They will view the act suspiciously as possibly meaning they will have to return the favor in some way or secondly you are just stupid. I remember doing several things that cost me some amount of money and always ended up sorry. I offered to buy around 5000 baht gravel to pave the road for the old ladies walking through the rice fields to walk to the temple. I assumed one of the many people with tractors would be happy to pitch in and spread the gravel etc...take it from there. Just resulted in a greedy free for all with everyone's paw out looking for a handout. I also remember buying a couple of kids at the local shop an ice cream. Old lady in the shop getting armfuls of soi milk and giving me dirty looks. I asked the Mrs what's wrong with her? Mrs said she ask why you not take care of her? She older person more important than kid. Could recount many incidents like that. Often one person would be happy and another jealous. I offered the guy next door about 10 shirts and shorts I had. All expensive, barely worn washed and ironed. Didn't fit me anymore and this guy was a dirt poor farmer. I doubt he had more than 2 shirts. Came back to my wife later he was complaining why I not buy him new lol.

 

Thai culture, lack of education, rudeness....my misunderstanding of the culture whatever....I just found it wasn't worth the effort. Was also a lot of great people there too and I miss them dearly. I must say we probably receive a higher level of acceptance and tolerance here than a foreigner would back home. But in the end I decided better keep to yourself and do what makes you happy.....not try to hard. Also follow your own instincts of what's right and wrong. We are all basically humans and some things are plain right or wrong in any culture. It is very easy to pass off acts of greediness or selfishness as cultural when really they are what they are. You are never going to be Thai, 100% accepted or truly understand them..... and that's fine. It's Thailand and you are an alien essentially. Just how it is. Like it or leave. As a mate of mine says....take the best things of living in Thailand...and there are many....reduce your involvement with Thais to as little as possible and skate across the surface. Best way to enjoy your life here.

 

 

 

 

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14 minutes ago, Tony125 said:

 

You may have different expiriance if you marry a poor/uneducated farm girl or bar girl 

 

Aka I am a whoremonger lol. Last woman I lived with a doctor.....lovely family but seriously in debt

 

Just really depends on the person

 

Aka you are awesome! Of course you are 🙂

You are indeed a lucky man. I have known closely at least 30 farangs here have married or extended relationships with Thai women and not one of them has ended well. Not to say they don't exist but the odds don't seem too good to me. Even if she is honest, doesn't have debt / kids / husband you do or don't know about, then there is the family hurdle. Guys I know that had at least a stable relationship had deep pockets and were prepared to keep coughing up for the woman and extended family. Seemed to have a mutual understanding but not what I would call a mutually rewarding existence. Some of the others in a state of standoff where she really wants the guy gone and he doesn't have any choice (or money) but to stay. That would cover 5%. The rest ended miserably usually with the guy getting left penniless and in despair. 

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21 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

You are indeed a lucky man. I have known closely at least 30 farangs here have married or extended relationships with Thai women and not one of them has ended well. Not to say they don't exist but the odds don't seem too good to me. Even if she is honest, doesn't have debt / kids / husband you do or don't know about, then there is the family hurdle. Guys I know that had at least a stable relationship had deep pockets and were prepared to keep coughing up for the woman and extended family. Seemed to have a mutual understanding but not what I would call a mutually rewarding existence. Some of the others in a state of standoff where she really wants the guy gone and he doesn't have any choice (or money) but to stay. That would cover 5%. The rest ended miserably usually with the guy getting left penniless and in despair. 

As I said it depends on your choice /person. I had a friend who came over , partied with 5 bar girls in his room.  Liked one and ended up marrying her. She wasn't that pretty but much younger. He was dating an older girl in US but she was too old to have any kids which is what he wanted.  He married the Thai girl and she gave him the son he always wanted. They are still together today after 17 years and are actually visiting Thailand right now.  So those that say it never works out with a poor farm/bar girl  I know that it can as with my friend. Maybe not likely but the relationship can work out. It always depends on the girl  and as well the family you marry into.

 

PS: Have other friends in US married to Thai for many years. 1 married manager of Thai Hotel in Pattaya. 1 other waitress at Thai restaurant,  1 maid at hotel, 1 other sales girl at Major Mall, 2 Thai school teachers.

Edited by Tony125
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So you spent 3 weeks living in the parent's home. They gave you everything you needed (your words). Motorbike, car and food.

 

Did you give anything back to them or pay them some money? 

 

Maybe the father thought you was tight-fisted and didn't want to shake your hand! 😆

 

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10 minutes ago, Tony125 said:

As I said it depends on your choice /person. I had a friend who came over , partied with 5 bar girls in his room.  Liked one and ended up marrying her. She wasn't that pretty but much younger. He was dating an older girl in US but she was too old to have any kids which is what he wanted.  He married the Thai girl and she gave him the son he always wanted. They are still together today after 17 years and are actually visiting Thailand right now.  So those that say it never works out with a poor farm/bar girl  I know that it can as with my friend. Maybe not likely but the relationship can work out. It always depends on the girl  and as well the family you marry into.

I don't think it matters whether it's a bar girl or a professional. You can have just as many issues with either. At least the bar girls are usually a bit more fun and have great personalities at least at first. And therein lies the problem and why I think I would struggle to make a commitment like investing a substantial sum of money in properties / vehicles in someone else's name. You have automatically put yourself in a position where you have no control over your environment and the only person with something to lose is you. Just a leap of faith I wont take again. Most of the money grubbers show their true colors pretty early but some can play the long game.

 

Lived or had an extended relationship with Doctors, nurses, teachers and they are a lot calmer and well mannered for sure but the only difference other than that between them and bargirls is their debts were substantially larger as they had an income to borrow against. Otherwise fairly bland

 

Interestingly the guys I know have had the most problems seemed to be with older ladies, and no supermodels either. Mainly around debt and gambling. I am a single dad left with a young son, I can't afford to gamble on them any more.  

Edited by Kenny202
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2 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

You are indeed a lucky man. I have known closely at least 30 farangs here have married or extended relationships with Thai women and not one of them has ended well. Not to say they don't exist but the odds don't seem too good to me. Even if she is honest, doesn't have debt / kids / husband you do or don't know about, then there is the family hurdle. Guys I know that had at least a stable relationship had deep pockets and were prepared to keep coughing up for the woman and extended family. Seemed to have a mutual understanding but not what I would call a mutually rewarding existence. Some of the others in a state of standoff where she really wants the guy gone and he doesn't have any choice (or money) but to stay. That would cover 5%. The rest ended miserably usually with the guy getting left penniless and in despair. 

And then of course there is the fact that so many of those with whom it ended badly only came to LOS because it always ended badly back home as well. Thought they could buy a servile little Asian to do their incel bidding. 

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12 minutes ago, BusyB said:

And then of course there is the fact that so many of those with whom it ended badly only came to LOS because it always ended badly back home as well. Thought they could buy a servile little Asian to do their incel bidding. 

That is a total myth. Was never my experience or expectation. Most can't cook for themselves let alone take care of a household. Servile little Asian lol. Have you ever met a Thai woman like that? Servile no...entitled and selfish. I have always done most of the household chores including taking care of the kids and cooking.

 

I have met a few blokes seemingly like that and also thought they could start on the grog 9am every morning randomly verbally abusing their Mrs. Those guys I have no pity for when they get rinsed.

 

In my experience many (not all) Thai women seem to fit more closely the profile of the no good lazy Thai men they describe...Lazy, useless, untrustworthy, abusive, selfish and unfaithful lol

Edited by Kenny202
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2 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

That is a total myth. Was never my experience or expectation. Most can't cook for themselves let alone take care of a household. Servile little Asian lol. Have you ever met a Thai woman like that? I have always done most of the household chores including taking care of the kids and cooking. I have met a few blokes seemingly like that and also they could start on the grog 9am every morning. Those guys I have no pity for when they get rinsed.

To answer your question no ... but I think we're on the same page as what you have written is pretty much my point.

I also have little beyond basic compassion for those kinds.

Look again at the first word in my last sentence.

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1 hour ago, Kenny202 said:

I have met a few blokes seemingly like that and also thought they could start on the grog 9am every morning randomly verbally abusing their Mrs. Those guys I have no pity for when they get rinsed.

I started at 7:30 this morning ....... no abuse though.

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1 hour ago, BusyB said:

incel bidding

Can someone who has had multiple relationships and is currently in a relationship (presumably sexually active) be an incel?

 

Incel means involuntarily celibate.

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2 hours ago, BangkokReady said:

Can someone who has had multiple relationships and is currently in a relationship (presumably sexually active) be an incel?

 

Incel means involuntarily celibate.

I do know what that means.

'Multiple'? Not what I hear in the stories. I usually hear tales of failure with 1 or - if they're lucky - 2 'fat farang cows' who 'make too many demands'.

So they go to Thailand because they don't stand a chance with normal western women. The birds in LOS are purchasable and do as they're told - to begin with at least. I have no sympathy for guys like that when they're taken to the cleaners. Only the basic human compassion when observing suffering. But more for the suffering that got them into that position in the first place.

Believe me, I used to know a few guys like that in a couple of my locals way back when. They never had any real contact with women but came back from Thailand trips bragging about the 'boyfriend experience' and thinking they'd hit gold.

 

Enjoy Dave's progress.

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6 hours ago, Tony125 said:

 So those that say it never works out with a poor farm/bar girl  I know that it can ...

Of course. But what odds would you give on something like that actually working out? 

Caveat emptor. And whatever floats your boat.

 

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17 minutes ago, BusyB said:

I do know what that means.

It's just a very angry and sexist word.  Why do you feel the need to shame these men who are already disadvantaged and then further taken advantage of?

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The handshakes is not so common for village People. And they were probably shy to hug you Infront of all airport

Edited by sead
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29 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

It's just a very angry and sexist word.  Why do you feel the need to shame these men who are already disadvantaged and then further taken advantage of?

 

I don't want to shame anyone, I just believe in calling a spade a spade.

These are men who rather than take responsibility for their predicament instead choose to try and take advantage of women they think are easy prey. I have little sympathy when that backfires.

But as I said, I do have compassion for the suffering which gets them into those kind of traps.

 

But this is getting a bit too far off topic for my liking. The OP doesn't sound anything like what we're discussing here. Maybe a bit lost or naive or unresponsive to what appears to him to be an alien culture. A couple of guys have pointed him in the right direction.

 

As I said a bit further up - whatever floats your boat.

 

And thanks for helping me get to 1000 posts! Super member me now.

 

Cheers.

 

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11 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

I disagree with buying them gifts they could not usually get here unless we are talking about educated city people. I would leave that up to the missus. They would probably appreciate some Thai snacks or foods or something they are familiar with. Infact I would leave most things to your missus as far as appeasing inlaws. I don't do any of that stuff anymore including visiting temples. Most of the time I found it boring or uncomfortable and seemed to get no kudos for it so don't put myself out in anyway now.

 

When I first arrived here in a very remote poor village...all I wanted to do was help people in anyway I could. I was reminded of something someone told me about Asian culture, particularly Thai that any well meaning charitable attempts to help people here are seen in two ways. They will view the act suspiciously as possibly meaning they will have to return the favor in some way or secondly you are just stupid. I remember doing several things that cost me some amount of money and always ended up sorry. I offered to buy around 5000 baht gravel to pave the road for the old ladies walking through the rice fields to walk to the temple. I assumed one of the many people with tractors would be happy to pitch in and spread the gravel etc...take it from there. Just resulted in a greedy free for all with everyone's paw out looking for a handout. I also remember buying a couple of kids at the local shop an ice cream. Old lady in the shop getting armfuls of soi milk and giving me dirty looks. I asked the Mrs what's wrong with her? Mrs said she ask why you not take care of her? She older person more important than kid. Could recount many incidents like that. Often one person would be happy and another jealous. I offered the guy next door about 10 shirts and shorts I had. All expensive, barely worn washed and ironed. Didn't fit me anymore and this guy was a dirt poor farmer. I doubt he had more than 2 shirts. Came back to my wife later he was complaining why I not buy him new lol.

 

Thai culture, lack of education, rudeness....my misunderstanding of the culture whatever....I just found it wasn't worth the effort. Was also a lot of great people there too and I miss them dearly. I must say we probably receive a higher level of acceptance and tolerance here than a foreigner would back home. But in the end I decided better keep to yourself and do what makes you happy.....not try to hard. Also follow your own instincts of what's right and wrong. We are all basically humans and some things are plain right or wrong in any culture. It is very easy to pass off acts of greediness or selfishness as cultural when really they are what they are. You are never going to be Thai, 100% accepted or truly understand them..... and that's fine. It's Thailand and you are an alien essentially. Just how it is. Like it or leave. As a mate of mine says....take the best things of living in Thailand...d there are many....reduce your involvement with Thais to as little as possible and skate across the surface. Best way to enjoy your life here.

 

 

 

 

we seem to have the same outlook...good tips..always looking to crack the thai codes!!!

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