Relationship advice

[thaibeachlovers]

21 hours ago, cavallerio said:

Just got home yesterday. Really good visit, we get on way better in person than online. Learned a lot about Thai/ Isaan culture, some of which made my jaw drop, and got to see some bits of Bangkok maybe tourists wouldn't normally get to. We're planning to meet again later in the year, in the UK if we can get a visa to include the kids, Thailand again if not. I'm well aware that I'll be expected to foot the bill for this stuff, and to be fair she's never sugar coated that. Having spent a week together I think I'm getting the best of the deal whatever 🙂

 

A few random thoughts after my first visit to Thailand/Bangkok:

 

1. The heat and humidity....and this is the winter??

 

2. Cruising down the Chao Praya river at night, and watching the fireworks...just magical 

 

3. Weaving through rush hour traffic on a motorcycle taxi - petrified

 

4. Thai massage...already looking for a place near my home

 

5. How nice and helpful everyone was, everywhere 

 

6. The food. I don't think I had a bad meal once, although a somtam dish with a crab in it was whipped away from me, as it would 'make sick'

The heat and humidity....and this is the winter??

Yes, I loved that I never got cold in LOS.

 

3. Weaving through rush hour traffic on a motorcycle taxi - petrified

Are you mad? They have actual taxis in case you didn't notice, where you don't risk getting your knees crushed. Nothing is important enough to take a m'bike taxi for, IMO.

 

5. How nice and helpful everyone was, everywhere 

Still wearing the saffron glasses then? Wait till you get conned, or have to deal with immigration!

 

although a somtam dish with a crab in it was whipped away from me, as it would 'make sick'

If you ordered that you must have been wanting food poisoning. The crab is raw, and if you saw where the sewage goes you will never eat sea food in LOS.

 

[thaibeachlovers]

2 minutes ago, uttradit said:

1 week. You are being played most likely.

Not necessarily. She might be the one in a million genuine case, though I turned down a genuinely lovely woman that I really liked only because she came with a child. Been there done that and never ever ever ever again.

[uttradit]

1 minute ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Not necessarily. She might be the one in a million genuine case, though I turned down a genuinely lovely woman that I really liked only because she came with a child. Been there done that and never ever ever ever again.

Maybe but 2 kids is baggage. I'd walk. So many better options. No kids means 100% focus on you.

[thaibeachlovers]

Just now, uttradit said:

Maybe but 2 kids is baggage. I'd walk. So many better options. No kids means 100% focus on you.

Exactly my thinking. If I get together with a woman I want it to be about us, not a child, and if they love the child/ren it's always about the child/ren.

[uttradit]

1 minute ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Exactly my thinking. If I get together with a woman I want it to be about us, not a child, and if they love the child/ren it's always about the child/ren.

Think Thai hotels as a couple vs 2 kids. Travelling the country. Bliss vs headache. No brainer.

[Nick Carter icp]

31 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Exactly my thinking. If I get together with a woman I want it to be about us, not a child, and if they love the child/ren it's always about the child/ren.

 

   The Child is permanent, you would just be temporary , its natural for the Mother/Parent to put their Children first .

   Males naturally get together with Females to reproduce and then there's the off spring to take care of 

Edited January 23 by Nick Carter icp

[thaibeachlovers]

1 minute ago, uttradit said:

Think Thai hotels as a couple vs 2 kids. Travelling the country. Bliss vs headache. No brainer.

Agree 100%. Kids are a pain when traveling.

However, the OP may want to support some other man's children for their entire life ( some posters apparently do ), and not have any time to relax with the beloved ( including rumpty in unusual places ).

 

It's not like it's difficult to acquire a small version of oneself later in life if that is desired, after having done the childless thing for a few years.

[uttradit]

1 minute ago, Nick Carter icp said:

 

   The Child is permeant, you would just be temporary , its natural for the Mother/Parent to put their Children first .

   Males naturally get together with Females to reproduce and then there's the off spring to take care of 

Is that your best version of English?

[Nick Carter icp]

13 minutes ago, uttradit said:

Is that your best version of English?

 

  Its just a post on forums , doesn't have to be perfect English .

Are you an English teacher perchance ?

Don't take your work home with you 

[Nick Carter icp]

26 minutes ago, uttradit said:

Think Thai hotels as a couple vs 2 kids. Travelling the country. Bliss vs headache. No brainer.

 

  Depends if you like kids or not . 

I would rather take my boy away somewhere and leave his mum at home .

Each to their own though .

[cavallerio]

Being played is always a possibility. All I can say is I have no cause to suspect that is the agenda, but I'm not going to pretend I would see it coming if it was. What I don't want is to be sat here in 5 years time regretting what might have been. I've already been there. Worst case I'll lose some money I can easily afford, best case I get to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful woman.

 

I don't get referring to kids as 'baggage'? They're great kids, and a credit to their mum, and I'm more than happy to support them. I wouldn't want to be with a woman who didn't put her kids first 

 

I suppose at the end of the day we're all a product of our experiences, and maybe I'll be back here in a few years making sick buffalo jokes. Either way, I don't want to regret what might have been 🙂

Edited January 23 by cavallerio

[thaibeachlovers]

13 hours ago, cavallerio said:

I don't get referring to kids as 'baggage'? They're great kids, and a credit to their mum, and I'm more than happy to support them. I wouldn't want to be with a woman who didn't put her kids first 

It's nothing to do with them per se. It's that your relationship will NEVER be about you and her, It will ALWAYS be about them. Everything you do or don't do will be dictated by their needs, not yours.

If you are happy to always be second ( actually third as there are two of them ) go for it.

 

I am talking from actual experience, not some theory.

[cavallerio]

10 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

It's nothing to do with them per se. It's that your relationship will NEVER be about you and her, It will ALWAYS be about them. Everything you do or don't do will be dictated by their needs, not yours.

If you are happy to always be second ( actually third as there are two of them ) go for it.

 

I am talking from actual experience, not some theory.

I get the point, and I appreciate the point. Nothing is going to happen quickly so I'll see how things develop. Realistically I wouldn't expect to be prioritised over her kids, and I'd be wary of anyone that said they would do this, or actually did it.

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone for all the input. I'll try to post updates as things progress.

[Celsius]

1 minute ago, cavallerio said:

 

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone for all the input. I'll try to post updates as things progress.

 

No need. Everyone here knows the end.

[cavallerio]

4 hours ago, Celsius said:

No need. Everyone here knows the end.

I know I shouldn't react, but <deleted> it. Learned a lot from the responses on this thread, mostly about what I don't want to be, and if I ever end up as bitter and cynical as some of you guys, I hope there is someone around to put me out of my misery. 

 

Time to call it a day.

[thaibeachlovers]

11 minutes ago, cavallerio said:

I know I shouldn't react, but <deleted> it. Learned a lot from the responses on this thread, mostly about what I don't want to be, and if I ever end up as bitter and cynical as some of you guys, I hope there is someone around to put me out of my misery. 

 

Time to call it a day.

Not one of us went into our relationship expecting it to end. All of our tilacs were wonderful, till they were not.

There are certain red flags on any farang Thai relationship that are only learned by either living through the situation the hard way, or by listening to the advice of others that have been there.

My Thai wife was indeed a wonderful woman, till she wasn't, and I had the benefit of decades of experience in Thailand, yet still I ended up with divorce papers.

 

Of course there are exceptions, but do you feel lucky? With a divorce rate in the west of about 50%, and that's without the cultural difference, the dice are already loaded, and not in our (men's ) favour.

 

I'm not saying to not go through with it, but to think it through, and if you still want to do it, to protect your assets.

[thaibeachlovers]

4 hours ago, cavallerio said:

I get the point, and I appreciate the point. Nothing is going to happen quickly so I'll see how things develop. Realistically I wouldn't expect to be prioritised over her kids, and I'd be wary of anyone that said they would do this, or actually did it.

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone for all the input. I'll try to post updates as things progress.

Of course she should prioritise her kids over you, or she is a bad parent, but is that what you really want? Are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life being third in line?

Have you any actual experience of living like that before? I do.

 

Perhaps you should make two lists on paper, one of the benefits to you, and one of the problems to you, and see which has the most points.

 

However, at the end of the day, it's "up to you". Good luck.

[thaibeachlovers]

27 minutes ago, cavallerio said:

if I ever end up as bitter and cynical as some of you guys, I hope there is someone around to put me out of my misery. 

You came on a forum filled with refugees from failed marriages with Thai women- what else did you expect?

 

[Elkski]

I'm happy for Cavallerio,  I guess he enjoyed the instant family.  Sounds like the kids made him happy.  I never got a good feeling from any of the kids of the many women I met.  I met the kids of at  least 4.  Traveled with 3 kids only 1 time and I couldn't play that long game even for a woman with equal resources. 

You can be sure this woman will be sure to protect you until your demise benefits her.  Raw crabs and beef is to be avoided as well as nam pla. 

I agree with your thought  about not wanting to look back and wonder what you missed.  That is exactly why I choose to be a butterfly. Or more like a bumble bee.   How can anyone just go with the first one without regrets? 

I agree about a mother who takes care of her kids.   I cant understand rhe desperation required to leave children with Isaan  grandparents after seeing how the conditions are for most in several villages. 

 I hope  her expectations for the quality of the kids education meet your financial commitment.  I deleted the part with numbers and math on renting top talent vs picking 1,  but it was something I calculated. 

Does she cook well? 

Yes, Thailand is hot and humid and not going to be getting any cooler. 

hope you can get the visa and learn more. 

Don't ever compare these women to what you could catch at home.  You have risen and chose to open your partner search  to the World not just your homeland.  Realize what that means and enjoy. 

Edited February 3 by Elkski

[thaibeachlovers]

On 2/4/2024 at 2:42 AM, Elkski said:

I never got a good feeling from any of the kids of the many women I met.  I met the kids of at  least 4.  Traveled with 3 kids only 1 time and I couldn't play that long game even for a woman with equal resources. 

Instant families might seem like a good idea, till reality slaps one across the face a few dozen times.

 

[Deserted]

On 1/3/2024 at 12:31 AM, cavallerio said:

Hi chaps.

 

Be grateful for your thoughts on my situation. I live in the UK, never visited Thailand. Met a Thai lady on Tinder. She's a single mom lives in Bangkok with two kids, works for a government ministry. Originally from Isaan. We've been video chatting for a three months now, and Ive booked a trip to Bangkok later this month to meet. I'm 53, she's 38... would be way out of my league in the UK. She speaks good English and is quite open that she's looking for a European partner, and dated a few European guys in the past, has a lot of friends married to European guys. 

 

She ticks a lot of boxes for me, she's smart hard-working and straightforward. I understand that a big part of her attraction to me is financial, as she's wanting a good education for her kids, and up to a point I'm okay with that. I'm probably about 5 years away from retirement here, and wouldn't be averse to moving somewhere warmer permanently. Got no real ties here, divorced and kids grown up.

 

I guess I am just a little bit wary about being played. I'd be interested to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation, any red flags to look out for, other advice, thoughts, etc? 

 

Sounds like a bit of a grey area. She could be genuine and sincere or just a player. Has she got any others on the go? Meet up with her and you'll see pretty quickly whether she genuinely likes you or not I'd say.

[Elkski]

5 hours ago, Deserted said:

 

Sounds like a bit of a grey area. She could be genuine and sincere or just a player. Has she got any others on the go? Meet up with her and you'll see pretty quickly whether she genuinely likes you or not I'd say.

He just finished a visit for  a couple weeks,  he seems smitten and is proceeding  and ok going from single to family of 4. 

[BigStar]

57 minutes ago, Elkski said:

He just finished a visit for  a couple weeks,  he seems smitten and is proceeding  and ok going from single to family of 4. 

 

Good for him and best wishes to this family.

Edited February 5 by BigStar