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The Subtle Shift from Boyfriend to ‘Useful Assistant’ in Thailand


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I think the OP is probably correct, but there is one common element. Most Thai women crave certainty in a relationship, as represented by marriage or clear signs of life-long commitment. If this doesn't eventuate then the relationship can shift and you become more like a trusted Uncle or Brother. She has established a little bit of distance in case a better opportunity arises, but she will still call on you when she needs someone to talk to or help with a problem (including boyfriend problems).

 

I know some women like this. You won't hear from them when things are going well, but if they have a problem with their boyfriend then they will get in contact to talk things through and get your advice. I think Thai people love to talk things through and, once you are in the inner circle, you are a beloved Uncle (sometimes with sex privileges) until you/they drift away and have a new confidante. 

 

 

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Prob worth a look at the Wiki and Reddit for Co-dependency.

 

Short version: You hide out from fixing your own problems by endlessly fixing their's.

 

I've been in caretaking relationships my whole life. Now I'm alone. It's a downer, but I live for myself, I love myself. I feel your heavy sadness in your post. I am free of it today.

 

I won't do it again. And neither should you.

 

Short version: It's not "inevitable". It's you.

Edited by Prubangboy
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9 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

It is largely up to us. If we lay down and become a doormat we will be treated like dogs. If we stand up and protect our dignity, set boundaries and limits, and behave like men, women generally will respect us. We have to set the limits and be willing to walk away if she is not adoring, fun to be around, someone who always has our back, and someone who makes each and every day a better day for us. And visa versa.

 

It is not that complicated. Unless we choose drama over harmony. 


For once, this isn’t an alpha-versus-beta story. The OP’s reflection is more about the outcome of choosing to be caring and understanding, intentionally giving in ways that feel natural in a relationship. It’s less about ‘being weak’ and more about genuinely showing up for someone else, and how that choice can sometimes shift the dynamic in ways you might not expect.
 

Being an ‘alpha’ in every situation can mean missing out on those deeper, quieter moments that come from being willing to make sacrifices and let things flow, rather than constantly reinforcing boundaries. Relationships, especially cross-cultural ones, often involve a rhythm that’s a bit outside our control. 

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I think that’s what couples do if they stay together a bit longer. You help each other out. If she is not doing the dishes or any housework, obviously it’s a problem if you are paying all the bills ! Talk to each other. When the honeymoon is over, a year or two, and things go downhill , then talk again.

If you are the eternal romantic and living in the dark ages ( age counts) and she is not exactly like you, either it works , or not. Lack of conversation on your part here with your partners.

PS, what exactly does she ask / expect you to do ? 

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If she's cooking, cleaning and providing sex, you have to do the rest.  That's pretty standard stuff.  🤷‍♂️

 

If you're a decent sort of person, daily tasks should feel kind of like an expression of love.

Edited by BangkokReady
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Thank you to everyone for the replies and reflections. It’s clear my post struck a chord with others who’ve had similar experiences—whether here in Thailand or elsewhere.

 

Just to clarify, this was meant as an introspective look back at my relationships and the patterns that might have run through them. It’s not a story seeking pity or a call for advice. I’m no longer involved in any of these relationships, and I don’t plan to repeat anything like them again. These are simply observations on what I’ve experienced and learned, with the last of these relationships having ended about five years ago. I’m now quite content to stay single for the foreseeable future.

 

I can honestly say I have no regrets. Each relationship brought something meaningful, or they wouldn’t have lasted five years or more. They were experiences I wouldn’t trade, each with its own quirks and complexities. And yes, infidelity was present on my end—and, perhaps, on theirs as well. After all, this is Thailand. But that doesn’t really change the core of it. What set these five relationships apart was that, despite everything, I genuinely cared for these women. My choice to look after them in ways that may have gone beyond the usual boyfriend role came from that place of connection, and the occasional outside flings didn’t change the depth of feeling I shared with each of them.

 

In the end, these reflections are simply that—reminders of a past that’s both familiar and distant now, each memory adding its own thread to the larger tapestry.

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