Oi Mate, That Ain’t Your Missus — That’s Proper Rented Property, Innit.

[Lewie London]

Right lads, so there I am, mindin’ me own bizz in that roadside kebab shop on BuaKhao, across the road from that ladyboy bar, you know the one, with the dodgy neon sign half hanging off like it’s had too many Chang beers. I’m just sittin’ there on this little metal stool at the counter facin’ the road, kebab in one hand, mushy chips in the other, watchin’ the circus go by like it’s me own personal live episode of EastEnders.

 

Suddenly, some geezer strolls past with his tart on his arm. She clocks me, gives it the cheeky wink and a smile, proper confident too. So I give her a nod and a grin back, polite like, as you do. I don’t really recognise her face but, bein’ honest, I reckon we might’ve had a go together once, back in the haze somewhere. Can’t be sure. Pattaya’s like that, innit. Half the time you don’t know if you’ve bumped uglies with someone or just dreamt it after too many sangsom buckets.

 

Anyway, this mug ain’t havin’ it. Starts puffin’ up like a pigeon on heat, tellin’ me I’m tryna nick his missus. I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, Bruv, I’m tryna nick me chilli sauce, not your rent-a-girlfriend. So I tell him straight, calm, like a gentleman, “Mate, in Pattaya, you don’t lose the girl, you just lose your turn.” Simple economics. But nah, this plank don’t get it. Wants to have a tear-up outside the kebab shop over a bird that’s probably got a loyalty card at every short-time hotel on Walking Street.

 

You can’t make this sh*te up. I’m sittin’ there with garlic sauce drippin’ on me shorts, chips half cold, listenin’ to this plonker defend his missus’ honour like she ain’t been ridin’ more bikes than Grab delivery. Blokes like him come here thinkin’ they’ve pulled the love of their life, meanwhile she’s clockin’ overtime harder than a nurse on New Year’s Eve.

 

I finished me kebab, wiped me hands down me shirt, stood up, and just smiled at him like, “Mate, enjoy your evening, yeah?” Walked off into the night, belly full, dignity intact, leavin’ him standin’ there like a bloke who’s just realised his Rolex is fake, his bird’s even faker, and his Pattaya dream’s about as real as a ladyboy’s cleavage.

 

Standard Friday evenin', yeah mates.

[Celsius]

When you rent you are paying someone's else mortgage.

[save the frogs]

11 hours ago, Lewie London said:

You can’t make this sh*te up.

that should be on your epitaph 

[tjintx]

Your authentic Rolex must have entranced her Bob!

[blaze master]

3 minutes ago, tjintx said:

Your authentic Rolex must have entranced her Bob!

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

[HappyExpat57]

Back in the day, there was a ladyboy bar near the Mermaids Dive Center on Soi Whitehouse in Jomtien. One day as us Instructor trainees were waiting for the baht bus to arrive to load with equipment, this one particularly ugly ladyboy walked past us with a very drunken customer in tow. Now, we labeled this lb "Shrek" as the ugly was strong with that one - didn't even try to hide the wadded up toilet paper he/she was using to pad the halter top. S/He leaned back, looked us all straight in the eye, and gave us a huge "wink" knowing she had caught a live one. We had a great laugh over that, Shrek was ugly but a good sport.

 

As you said, "You can’t make this sh*te up."

[theshu25]

Same old,same old and boring style everyday from this wanna be comedian.  Boring.

[baansgr]

Only a hooker winks at other punters when they are with one, only uneducated plebs take the bait and acknowledge her...she was playing you and him, her panties getting wet while watching you both...you have been played mate, live and learn 

[SAFETY FIRST]

8 hours ago, Lewie London said:

Right lads, so there I am

Oh, goodie, another short story from Lewie 👍

 

I'm sure there's website out there to publish these short stories, Lewie would make a fortune with all his creative writing. 

 

Lots of bored people in this world, looking for something in their life to pass the time. 

 

 

 

[StandardIssue]

9 hours ago, Lewie London said:

 

Anyway, this mug ain’t havin’ it. Starts puffin’ up like a pigeon on heat, tellin’ me I’m tryna nick his missus. I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, Bruv, I’m tryna nick me chilli sauce, not your rent-a-girlfriend. So I tell him straight, calm, like a gentleman, “Mate, in Pattaya, you don’t lose the girl, you just lose your turn.” Simple economics. But nah, this plank don’t get it. Wants to have a tear-up outside the kebab shop over a bird that’s probably got a loyalty card at every short-time hotel on Walking Street.

 

 

Pretty good stuff mate! So funny, exactly on the money. Just lose your turn! classic!

[StandardIssue]

52 minutes ago, theshu25 said:

Same old,same old and boring style everyday from this wanna be comedian.  Boring.

 

If it hits home and you were the "bloke" at one time, then it aint' funny init?

[wavodavo]

11 hours ago, blaze master said:

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

The original Bob was a raving lunatic and still is now.

[blaze master]

Just now, wavodavo said:

The original Bob was a raving lunatic and still is now.

 

A lunatic with style. 

[bubblegum]

The thumbs down people should get a life.