The Human Onion Cloud: Nose Horror at the Gym

[Lewie London]

Right lads, got some fresh Pattaya madness for ya. So I decided to haul me sorry arse back to the gym yesterday, not ‘cause it’ll ever turn me into some Dorian Yates, mind you, but more ‘cause I’ve been havin’ a bit of luck lately chattin’ up the local talent between sets. Thought I’d keep the momentum goin’, I reckon.

 

Well, turns out yesterday was a proper write-off. Soon as I walk in, I clock this geezer I’ve seen knocking about in there maybe once or twice every fortnight. Looks normal enough, bit pale like he’s allergic to sunlight and all that, but lads, this geezer stinks. And I don’t say that lightly about anyone, mates. I mean the odd whiff of sweat like a bloke who’s put in a shift, fair game. Nah. I mean this bloke’s got a proper nostril-curdlin’ pong. Like someone’s stored raw onions in his armpits for a month. Smell so thick you could spread it on toast.

 

This gym ain’t exactly Wembley Stadium either, yeah. And when it gets busy it can turn into a right sweatbox, and then his personal cloud of death gas fills the whole place quicker than a cheap vape. I see a couple of Thai lads bailin’ halfway through their sets, shakin’ their heads, leavin’ early, eyes waterin’ like they’ve been peel­ing onions themselves.

 

Now here’s where it gets juicy. One of the trainers, nice bloke but not what you’d call confrontational, sidles up to me lookin’ like he’s about to ask me to help him bury a body. Quiet voice, he goes, “Lewie, maybe you talk with him na? He same-same you.”

 

Same-same me, mate? Cheers for the subtle hint, bruv. Just ‘cause the lad’s speakin’ the Queen’s don’t mean I wanna be ambassador for the stinkin’ unwashed. And it’s not like he’s bangin’ up the equipment or throwing the weights, then the staff’d be all over him like seagulls on chips. But a sensitive subject like reekin’ up the joint? Nah, they’re hopin’ I’ll do their dirty work just ‘cause we both order blood sausage for brekki.

 

So I gave it the old polite dodge, told ‘em sorry boys, I ain’t about to sit him down for a personal hygiene intervention. I come here to flirt with girls who may never date me and maybe lift a dumbbell or two, not to play social worker for the armpit assassin.

 

And here’s the thing that does me head in: it ain’t hard, is it? Bit of roll-on, a quick squirt of Old Spice or whatever your poison is, and Bob’s your uncle, bosh, problem solved. Yet here we are, a grown man in a small gym turning the air into a biological weapon.

 

Left me scratchin’ me gob all the way home. How can you be adult enough to sign a gym contract and load up on protein shakes, but not clock you’re fumigating half the room every time you raise your arms?

 

Gym life in Patts, lads. Never dull, but sometimes it’s bloody hard on the nose.

[proton]

Posted after 4am, this so called poster is either in another country or an insomniac. I just got in from Isaan Tawang Deang so still awake. Odds on he's thousands of miles away from Pattaya

[Ralf001]

1 minute ago, proton said:

Posted after 4am, this so called poster is either in another country or an insomniac. I just got in from Isaan Tawang Deang so still awake. Odds on he's thousands of miles away from Pattaya

 

Bob is in Aus, bout 7.30am there.

[hankypankee]

1 hour ago, proton said:

Posted after 4am, this so called poster is either in another country or an insomniac. I just got in from Isaan Tawang Deang so still awake. Odds on he's thousands of miles away from Pattaya

And you are by far his number one stalker fan. Nearly the first one to post on almost all of his topics. Guess you got a real obsession with him?

[TedG]

1 minute ago, hankypankee said:

And you are by far his number one stalker fan. Nearly the first one to post on almost all of his topics. Guess you got a real obsession with him?

Are you stalking the OP?   Or just a fan? 

[quake]

I Wonder how much the back office staff get paid now days. 

[proton]

1 hour ago, hankypankee said:

And you are by far his number one stalker fan. Nearly the first one to post on almost all of his topics. Guess you got a real obsession with him?

 

So what, pointing out it's fake is not against the rules

[FolkGuitar]

25 minutes ago, proton said:

 

So what, pointing out it's fake is not against the rules

Do you really think there are people so intellectually challenged that they can't figure this out for themselves? 

 

Oh... wait.

[FolkGuitar]

3 hours ago, Lewie London said:

Right lads, got some fresh Pattaya madness for ya. So I decided to haul me sorry arse back to the gym yesterday, not ‘cause it’ll ever turn me into some Dorian Yates, mind you, but more ‘cause I’ve been havin’ a bit of luck lately chattin’ up the local talent between sets. Thought I’d keep the momentum goin’, I reckon...............................................

 

Thanks, Lewie, for another delightful romp through a Pattaya morning. This one had a bit of a kick to it, giving thought to how to deal with a pong problem and still maintain a pleasant social order. Nice one!
 

[FolkGuitar]

3 hours ago, proton said:

Posted after 4am, this so called poster is either in another country or an insomniac. I just got in from Isaan Tawang Deang so still awake. Odds on he's thousands of miles away from Pattaya

 

Question:  So what?

[Dan747]

LOL-Probably a fellow from Germany.

[NanLaew]

2 hours ago, proton said:

 

So what, pointing out it's fake is not against the rules

 

And neither is doing so repeatedly.

[Harrisfan]

6 hours ago, proton said:

Posted after 4am, this so called poster is either in another country or an insomniac. I just got in from Isaan Tawang Deang so still awake. Odds on he's thousands of miles away from Pattaya

Posted 5am. He gets up to run.

[FolkGuitar]

11 minutes ago, Harrisfan said:

Posted 5am. He gets up to run.

It's possible he gets up just to troll you.

He's very effective, isn't he? He catches you every single time!  LOL!