Australian Tourisim

[yok yawng]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website. The answers came from an Australian Customer Services Representative.

1. Q: Does it ever get rainy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (From UK)

A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (From USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (From Sweden)

A: So........... it's true what they say about Swedes.

4. Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (From UK)

A: What exactly did your last slave die of?

5 Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(From Africa)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not have ... ..oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

6. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (From USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

7. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (From UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

8. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( From USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is......oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

9. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (From France)

A: No, We don't stink.

10. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (From USA)

A: Anywhere significant that numbers of Americans gather.

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (From UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

12. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (From Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (From France)

A: Only at Christmas.

14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (From Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (From Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (From USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (From USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (From USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last time.

19. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (From USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Tornado]

The Aussie way!