Breaking News

[sgunn65]

The British Media has just released this press release from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office to the US Government.

> 'In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

>

> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

>

> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

>

> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

>

> 1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

>

> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

>

> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

>

> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

>

> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

>

> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

>

> 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

>

> 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) Ât roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

>

> 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

>

> 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

>

> 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Jonny Depp attempt English dialogue in From hel_l was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

>

> 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby, the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

>

> 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball (real name Rounders). It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

>

> 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

>

> 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

>

> 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

>

> GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!'

[percy2]

Cannot see it working some how.

Where will they find somebody stupid enough to want to be Governor?

Cheers

[lazeeboy]

austrians might like it

[percy2]

austrians might like it

What have the strudel munchers got to do with it?

Cheers

[sgunn65]

The FCO have issued edict 17

Henceforth the former USA will refrain from telling anyone that they won the war and all films suggesting that they did will be removed from public display.

[dingdongrb]

I see many reasons why this would not work but I will quickly only point out two:

1) We have a saying in the USA about our guns: “I will not give up my gun until you can pry my cold dead fingers away from it.” (Then again we shoot a lot better than you Brits do, isn’t that what won our freedom in the first place?)

2) Toronto (as in MLB, Blue Jays) is in Canada, thus not the USA. Perhaps instead of contacting Microsoft to update that spellchecker you should perhaps contact Google and get that Google Earth map you are using updated.

[percy2]

sgunn65,

How many septics are going to make fools out of themselves before you point out why you posted this in the jokes section?

Cheers

[dingdongrb]

sgunn65,

How many septics are going to make fools out of themselves before you point out why you posted this in the jokes section?

Cheers

...and as you can clearly see, I replied in the "jokes section"....

[percy2]

When you do post a joke let me know

Cheers

[samuibeachcomber]

very very funny post,but have n't th UK got enough problems without sorting out the USA!.

[dingdongrb]

When you do post a joke let me know

Cheers

Did you hear about the one where the Brit was walking down the road with a pig under his arm?

[percy2]

When you do post a joke let me know

Cheers

Did you hear about the one where the Brit was walking down the road with a pig under his arm?

Is this the one that ends

"And we grow them the size that fits our mouths a well!"

Cheers

[dingdongrb]

When you do post a joke let me know

Cheers

Did you hear about the one where the Brit was walking down the road with a pig under his arm?

Is this the one that ends

"And we grow them the size that fits our mouths a well!"

Cheers

Its more like this.....

[froggshw]

very entertaining thread

pissed myself actually

toodle pip..!!

Froggs

[Martian]

I'll pay $11 USD for a gallon of gas and Brit tax rates if that guarantees me free health care and all the same "freebies" for the rest of my life that we don't receive here in the USA.

Don't know about changing the fries thing though!

Regards,

Martian

[wileycoyote]

We have enough problems keeping the sinking ship of the United Kingdom afloat,we do not need an iceberg !

[sgunn65]

But think of all the fun we can have!! We say tomato and so do you Chubby!!!! And no more fanny bags!

[klnnurv]

#15 isn't necessary. The Queen is the largest shareholder in the Bank of England, which indirectly controls the 'Fed'.

Taxes have always been promptly collected

Nice joke, though...

[percy2]

#15 isn't necessary. The Queen is the largest shareholder in the Bank of England, which indirectly controls the 'Fed'.

Taxes have always been promptly collected

Nice joke, though...

I didn't realize the Windsor's were related to the Rothschild's.

Cheers

[richm7]

I see many reasons why this would not work but I will quickly only point out two:

1) We have a saying in the USA about our guns: "I will not give up my gun until you can pry my cold dead fingers away from it." (Then again we shoot a lot better than you Brits do, isn't that what won our freedom in the first place?)

2) Toronto (as in MLB, Blue Jays) is in Canada, thus not the USA. Perhaps instead of contacting Microsoft to update that spellchecker you should perhaps contact Google and get that Google Earth map you are using updated.

Point of order dingdong - who is this "we" who supposedly shoot better than Brits? Well, Brits, of course, which is what they were, then. Anyway, marksmanship had nothing to do with it. The French helped the British rebels who started that particular civil war (war of independance my foot) and without them you'd now be in the commonwealth. Don't forget that.

Another point of order; Toronto is indeed in America, North America. The United States is just one part of America, made up of North America, Central America and South America. Last time I looked at Google Earth Canada was indeed still in North America.

The old gun chestnut comes out again......you've just had eight years of a clown who has single handedly and systematically removed many of your freedoms, destroyed your economy, lined the pockets of his cronies and introduced a new word into the vocabulary (nucular). You all bleat on about needing guns to keep the Government in line or whatever bullshit yet not one of you has had the guts to pick up your precious firearm and put one between dickheads eyes. Don't make me laugh about guns. We all know they're just substitues for small American dicks.

[mgjackson69]

#15 isn't necessary. The Queen is the largest shareholder in the Bank of England, which indirectly controls the 'Fed'.

Taxes have always been promptly collected

Nice joke, though...

I didn't realize the Windsor's were related to the Rothschild's.

Cheers

Hmmm...it might be the Rosenthals

[percy2]

Point of order dingdong - who is this "we" who supposedly shoot better than Brits? Well, Brits, of course, which is what they were, then. Anyway, marksmanship had nothing to do with it. The French helped the British rebels who started that particular civil war (war of independance my foot) and without them you'd now be in the commonwealth. Don't forget that.

Another point of order; Toronto is indeed in America, North America. The United States is just one part of America, made up of North America, Central America and South America. Last time I looked at Google Earth Canada was indeed still in North America.

The old gun chestnut comes out again......you've just had eight years of a clown who has single handedly and systematically removed many of your freedoms, destroyed your economy, lined the pockets of his cronies and introduced a new word into the vocabulary (nucular). You all bleat on about needing guns to keep the Government in line or whatever bullshit yet not one of you has had the guts to pick up your precious firearm and put one between dickheads eyes. Don't make me laugh about guns. We all know they're just substitues for small American dicks.

Sorry it was not a civil war - or indeed a war of independence. It should be described as a temporarily successful insurgency by armed representatives or terrorists.

Cheers

[percy2]

Could somebody help me out.

I'm trying to find a picture of shooting fish in a barrel.

The whole gun thing will help in explanation of the metaphor.

Cheers

[dingdongrb]

I see many reasons why this would not work but I will quickly only point out two:

1) We have a saying in the USA about our guns: "I will not give up my gun until you can pry my cold dead fingers away from it." (Then again we shoot a lot better than you Brits do, isn't that what won our freedom in the first place?)

2) Toronto (as in MLB, Blue Jays) is in Canada, thus not the USA. Perhaps instead of contacting Microsoft to update that spellchecker you should perhaps contact Google and get that Google Earth map you are using updated.

Point of order dingdong - who is this "we" who supposedly shoot better than Brits? Well, Brits, of course, which is what they were, then. Anyway, marksmanship had nothing to do with it. The French helped the British rebels who started that particular civil war (war of independance my foot) and without them you'd now be in the commonwealth. Don't forget that.

Another point of order; Toronto is indeed in America, North America. The United States is just one part of America, made up of North America, Central America and South America. Last time I looked at Google Earth Canada was indeed still in North America.

The old gun chestnut comes out again......you've just had eight years of a clown who has single handedly and systematically removed many of your freedoms, destroyed your economy, lined the pockets of his cronies and introduced a new word into the vocabulary (nucular). You all bleat on about needing guns to keep the Government in line or whatever bullshit yet not one of you has had the guts to pick up your precious firearm and put one between dickheads eyes. Don't make me laugh about guns. We all know they're just substitues for small American dicks.

Very good reply rich for sticking up for ye ole countryman Percy and helping him out a bit. Yes, I know that it was said that baseball WOS was an American game but I am sure, (would provide you a fine Colorado microbrew rather than a bitter, yuck, if I was wrong) he meant that as being America as in the USA, SINCE his initial joke (if that’s what you Brits think it is) was about the USA. By the way, I’m sure that most Brits are probably not educated enough to know that there is a North, South, and Central America seeing we ran you out of here back in the 1700’s….

….and if I remember correctly it was the militias of the colonies that whipped your redcoat <deleted> in the Revolutionary War because we had the smarts and hid behind cover rather than prancing and marching in an orderly fashion right into our line of fire. (Duhhhhhh ‘stupid’ fukz) And as far as the colonies having help, yes we did, as everyone hated your <deleted> back then because of your greed. Sort of the way most feel about us Americans now. Everyone hates the top (lead) dog.

Now if you are bringing in the leaders of our great countries then I guess you can recognize, perhaps a relative, from this home photo…..

[dingdongrb]

shooting fish in a barrel.

That's exactly what the militias from the colonies were doing to the marching 'redcoats'....

[LaReina]

One thing comes to mind..

1776

Edited August 13, 2008 by LaReina

[Shotime]

I'm missing the Thailand connection, but I guess screaming on the US of A has become a cultural thing here. How can you revoke something you never issued (I hate the way you Brits say this word)? However, I can see the benefits. You're doing such a splendid job of it yourselves. Somehow, I think the UK is still pushing the buttons.

[percy2]

Most important thing that happened 1776 was the first running of the St Ledger , in gods country. Yorkshire.

Cheers

[percy2]

sgunn65,

How many septics are going to make fools out of themselves before you point out why you posted this in the jokes section?

Cheers

Just a reminder.

Cheers

[ourmaninbangers]

We have enough problems keeping the sinking ship of the United Kingdom afloat,we do not need an iceberg !

despite the jokes- the UK is still the number 1 power, the world is essentialy still under it in so many ways, but they,re very good at it-its USA,s little older grandpa

it will never sink because its attached itself to too much