A Selection Of Short Ones

[Boater]

A GUY walks into a pub and says: "Give me six double whiskies." The barman lines them up and the customer downs them.

Then he says: "I really shouldn't do that with what I've got." The barman asks: "Why, what have you got?" The guy replies: "50p."

A THIEF stole 500 bottles of Viagra from a High Street chemist ... Detectives say they are looking for a hardened criminal.

WHAT bird lays electric eggs? Battery hen.

WHAT'S the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? Outlaws are wanted.

MY pal Sid was a victim of ID theft. Now he's just called S.

A MAN walks into a shop and ponders the chocolate bars on the counter.

He eventually makes up his mind and says: "I'll have a Twirl and a Boost, please."

The shopkeeper spins round, points and says: "Honey, you look fabulous today!"

A WIFE walks in and says to her husband: "I've some good news and some bad news!"

"What's the good news?" asks hubby.

"The airbag on your brand-new Ferrari works fine."

A MAN wakes up on a deserted island only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple. He cried: "Oh no, I've been marooned."

WHAT'S red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I WAS banned from B&Q for fighting with a worker there. I went in and this guy came up and asked if I wanted decking. I made sure I got the first punch in.

THE shoe factory has been burnt down. Two hundred soles were lost.

WHY do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

PATIENT: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Ok, lie down on my couch." Patient: "I'm not allowed."

MY wife asked me: "What's on the TV tonight?" I told her: "Dust!"

WHAT do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

WHAT do you call a camel with three humps? Humphrey.

WHAT is the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everybody can chop beef.

DID you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget.

WHAT do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella? Polly Unsaturated.

MY wife has left me because I'm a compulsive gambler. I'd do anything to win her back . .

WHY did the policeman wear red, white and blue braces? To keep his trousers up.

WHY did the biscuit go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy.

TWO cowboys in a kitchen. Which is the real cowboy? The one on the range.

WHY did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He wanted to win a no-bell prize.

SINCERITY is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

WHY did the turkey cross the road? To prove it was no chicken.

WHAT do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

MAGICIAN Paul Daniels was driving down the road . . . then he turned into a driveway.

NINETY-NINE per cent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

WHAT should you give an elf who wants to be taller? Elf raising flour.

WHY did the skeleton refuse to go bungee jumping? He didn't have the guts.

WHAT did the grape say when someone trod on him? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

WHAT do ghosts have for dessert? Ice scream.

PATIENT: "Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a lady who delivers babies!" Doctor: "You're just going through a midwife crisis."

WHAT did the scarf say to the hat? "I'll hang around, you go on ahead."

ONLY borrow money from pessimists — they don't expect to be repaid.

HOW much do Cockneys pay for shampoo? Pantene.

WHERE does Tarzan buy his clothes? At a jungle sale.

THERE are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

WHAT do you call a pig with an itch? Pork scratching.

GUY walks into a pub and says: "C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?" The barman replies: "Are you OK? You sound a bit spaced out."

WHY couldn't Dracula's wife sleep? Because of his coffin.

TWENTY per cent of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80 per cent kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

I HAD a dog called Minton, who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

I CALLED a shopping channel the other day. The girl who answered the phone asked if she could help. I said: "No ta, I'm just browsing."

WHAT do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? El-if-i-no

A HORSE goes into a bar, and the bartender says: "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

MEN are like bank accounts — without a lot of money they don't generate much interest.

Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them.

WORRIED patient: "Is this a rare illness, doctor?" Doctor: "Not really. The graveyards are full of people who had it."

I WENT to my GP last week and told him: "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things." He replied: "Take these pills for a week. If that doesn't work, get me a plasma TV."

TWO snowmen in a field. One says: "Can you smell carrots?"

A SEAL walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies: "Anything but Canadian Club."

A LIBRARIAN was shocked when a young girl, who looked no more than nine years old, tried to borrow a book called Advice For Young Mothers.

"Surely dear, you can't be pregnant?"

"What are you on about? I just collect moths."

A MAN is in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying: "Oooh, you are amazing." Then the fruit machine shouts: "Rubbish, look at his hair!" The barman says: "I'm sorry, the nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine's out of order."

Q: What's purple and goes up and down, up and down? A: A grape in a lift.

Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One. The rest are all true stories.

A CHIP walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey, could I get a beer please?" The barman looks at him, shakes his head and says: "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food in here."

WHAT do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I RANG up British Telecom and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The operator said: "Not you again."

WHAT'S red and invisible? No tomatoes.

ANY woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I USED to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job. Every day I was tyred and exhausted.

WHAT'S a fat vicar who plays football? A roly-poly-holy-goalie.

I'VE used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

WHY didn't the skeleton go to the party? It had no body to go with.

DO you love me? Of course. Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear. Lemon meringue.

DRINKING and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you try to change gear.

WHAT do you get if you cross a rottweiler and a hyena? I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs.

AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: "Why haven't you looked for a job in six months?"He says: "I have a problem with my eyes — I can't see myself working."

WHAT do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

A BAD football team is like an old bra — no cups and little support.

A JELLY baby goes into an STD clinic covered in liquorice and coconut. The doctor says: "Good God! Whatever have you been doing?" To which the jelly baby replies: "Allsorts!"

HEAR about the daft kamikaze pilot? He managed to fly 57 missions.

WHY did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.

WHAT do you call a woman with a full English breakfast on her head? Caff!

WHAT lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

WHY don't oysters give to charity? They're shellfish.

WHAT did the fish say when he swam into the wall? dam_n.

HOW do you force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

WHAT is a zebra? Twenty-five sizes larger than an A bra.

WHAT'S black and white and noisy? A magpie with a drum kit.

WHAT did the elephant say to the naked man? 'How do you breathe through that thing?'

A YOUNG lady asked me: 'Can you spare two minutes for cancer research?' I said: 'OK, but we won't get a lot done.'

WHO makes suits and eats spinach? Popeye the Tailorman.

WHAT do you call a Roman emperor with flu? Julius Sneezer.

HOW do crazy people go through the forest? By the psycho path.

WHAT do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

IF at first you don't succeed . . . then skydiving isn't for you.

WHY is it not safe to nod off on trains? Because they run over sleepers.

DID you hear about the labrador that flew a Spitfire in the Second World War? He was always involved in dog fights.

HOW do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till its bill withers!

I WAS reading in the paper today about this dwarf who had his pocket picked. How could anyone stoop so low?

NEW parents on Tyneside are naming their babies Keegan as experts assure them they'll be walking within eight months.

A BLONDE was asked to check if her fella's indicator lights were working. She yelled back: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

WHAT does a Newcastle fan do after his team has beaten Real Madrid in the Champions League? Turns off his PlayStation and goes to bed.

AMY Winehouse went to Glastonbury but had to wade through dirt, rubbish and people lying around everywhere.... just to leave her flat.

I RANG up my local swimming baths and said: "Is that the local swimming baths?" A man answered and said: "It depends where you're calling from."

HOW does Posh Spice keep her husband under control? He's at her Beckham call.

DID you hear about the baked bean birthday cake? It blew itself out.

A PENGUIN goes into a pub and asks the barman: "Have you seen my brother?" The barman replies: "What does he look like?"

WHAT do Tottenham Hotspur and a toothpick have in common? Both have only two points.

WHY did Bono fall off the stage? He got too close to the Edge.

Two oranges walk into a bar. One says: "You're round."

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Odd sense of humour my plumber has..

WHY are pirates called pirates? Because they "Aarrrrrrr!"

A LORRY loaded with Vicks VapoRub has overturned on the M6. Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.

CUSTOMER: May I try on that dress in the window, please?

Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

A police station toilet has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

A WOMAN woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there's a burglar in the kitchen and he is eating the cake my mother made for us."

The husband said: "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"

A WOMAN stands in the nud_e looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's dam_n near perfect."

A GUY walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the barman: "Give us a pint — and one for the road."

WHAT has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table

THEY call it PMS because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.

MY husband and I got divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

WHAT do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

WHAT do Eskimos get from sitting on ice too long? Polaroids.

WHY don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

SENIOR Labour figures gave us their top jokes...

Ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett: A stuttering Labour supporter goes to the loo after hearing fellow stutterer Nye Bevan make a barnstorming conference speech and finds himself next to the great orator.

"Th-th-th-that was a v-v-v-very g-g-g- good s-s-s-speech," he remarked. Bevan turned to him and replied: "Stop taking the p-p-p-p-p-p***."

CULTURE Secretary James Purnell: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish.

TRANSPORT Secretary Ruth Kelly: Why is 6 so afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

SCHOOLS Secretary Ed Balls couldn't resist cracking a joke about his unfortunate surname: "If you think it was bad for me at school, just imagine what it was like for my sister Ophelia."

I RANG up a local building firm and said: "I want a skip outside my house." This bloke said: "I'm not stopping you."

Edited October 1, 2008 by Boater