Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Totster]

New Zealand not for sale: eBay

From: By Paul Colgan

May 12, 2006

AN Australian man has failed in his bid to sell New Zealand for a bargain-basement price on eBay.

The South Pacific country was described by the eBay man as having "very ordinary weather" and bidding opened at one cent.

A generous bid of $3000 had been entered by the time the eBay realised the problem and stepped in to say New Zealand was not for sale, the Associated Press reported.

More than 22 bids were received before eBay - which describes itself as selling "mostly household items" - pulled the plug.

"Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler was quoted as saying.

"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," Mr Feiler said.

We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."

There'd be a few quid in selling off some sheep for fun purposes

Sheep pimping..?

totster

[dr_Pat_Pong]

New Zealand not for sale: eBay

From: By Paul Colgan

May 12, 2006

AN Australian man has failed in his bid to sell New Zealand for a bargain-basement price on eBay.

The South Pacific country was described by the eBay man as having "very ordinary weather" and bidding opened at one cent.

A generous bid of $3000 had been entered by the time the eBay realised the problem and stepped in to say New Zealand was not for sale, the Associated Press reported.

More than 22 bids were received before eBay - which describes itself as selling "mostly household items" - pulled the plug.

"Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler was quoted as saying.

"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," Mr Feiler said.

We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."

There'd be a few quid in selling off some sheep for fun purposes

Sheep pimping..?

totster

A quid's a quid I always say

[Jai Dee]

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

DATING

1. Always OFFER to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean bundy t.shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest bull bar DOESN”T always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[Jai Dee]

The New Australian Super Rock Group...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You are always produce the best old son

[Artisi]

Politically dodgy - but a good one.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

He's ex jurisdiction of the PC Police

[Jai Dee]

He's ex jurisdiction of the PC Police

And plan to stay that way for a loooooonnnng time yet Doc.

[udon]

Can no longer call them Abbos, it's Indiginous people ..

No more blackboards, it's chalk boards

No more "good boy or good girl" it's good child.

FAARCANAAAL

Anyone got some more pearls of wisdom from the PC ratbags?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Does a manhole cover nowdays get called a person hole cover ?

[Phano]

An apt description of the rear end of our beautiful world!

[Jai Dee]

A Kiwi hangover...

KiwiMorningAfter.wmv

[Artisi]

Seems fairly normal - so no big surprise

[dr_Pat_Pong]

A Kiwi hangover...

KiwiMorningAfter.wmv

[stumonster]

NZ leads in internet sheep searches

By Peter Williams in Auckland

May 23, 2006

IN line with the stereotype, New Zealanders lead the world in Google searches for the word "sheep".

They're also number two for looking up "porn".

article continued here

sheep + porn .... must be all in the name of research I presume ...

[Jai Dee]

sheep + porn .... must be all in the name of research I presume ...

Where's me ole mate Chuchok?

[chuchok]

sheep + porn .... must be all in the name of research I presume ...

Where's me ole mate Chuchok?

[John_Betong]

sheep + porn .... must be all in the name of research I presume ...

Where's me ole mate Chuchok?

No wish to steal your thunder but just curious to see if this animated version works:

.

Edited June 1, 2006 by John_Betong

[Axel]

Yes, it does and now I got it.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

sheep + porn .... must be all in the name of research I presume ...

Where's me ole mate Chuchok?

No wish to steal your thunder but just curious to see if this animated version works:

.

Yet another famous Kiwi LOL

[Artisi]

see he dressd formally for the occasion - took off his "wellies".

[Artisi]

And who say's us Aussie's aren't all heart.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim Beazley. They're asking for a $300 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About three litres."

Edited June 5, 2006 by Artisi

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Artisi]

Something to think about -

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, "It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand mate."

Keep your Australian identity strong.

Fly the your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your

front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on English and Australian culture in the Muslim school system.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

Because it will never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia

or Iraq or any other country in the world except right here in Australia.

For we are run by soft, politically correct politicians, that are too

scared to "offend" anyone.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq - and the best of luck.

[Jai Dee]

Real Questions About Australia

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site and the answers are the actual responses by the web site officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of //Europe//. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

G'Day, mate!

[udon]

Why do Abo’s have one nostril bigger than the other?

One’s for unleaded, the others for super!

Q. What’s the difference between a woman

and a sheep?

A. The sheep doesn’t get upset if you screw

her sister.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot

and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do you know when it’s time to wash

dishes and clean the house?

A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,

it’s not time.

*************

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

Don’t mess with Old People

[udon]

The rent collecter goes to a house to collect the rent

He rings the door bell and a lad of a out 10 answers the door.In one hand he has a cigar,in the other he has a glass of brandy and on each arm he has a scatilly clad prostitute.

the rent collector says"are your parents in sonny?"

the lad replies"DOES IT F*CKING LOOK LIKE IT!"

[Jai Dee]

THE BOYS PRAYER

Our beer

Which art in bottles

Hallowed by thy sport

Thy will be drunk

I will be drunk

At home as it is in the pub

Give us each day our daily beers

And forgive us our spillage

As we forgive those who spillest against us

And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting

And deliver us from Tequila

For mine is the bitter

The chicks and the footy

Forever and ever

Barmen.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Axel]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging

through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He

rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the

standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the

entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the

two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."