Announcing : Tookay Jelly !

[orang37]

April 1, 2009 Chiang Mai

Dear Friends,

At last I can take the wraps off a secret venture that I have been developing over the last year. And I look forward to personally giving every one of you a free sample of Tookay Jelly. For those of you receiving this not living in Thailand, may I note that the Tookay is a large lizard, species, famous for the males' nocturnal mating calls which often sound like human laughter.

Our website www.y2kjelly.com will be up shortly.

The idea for this incredible product came to me, like so many of the best things in life, by accident : I had filled a large plastic container with about 4 inches of water at night, but then put off doing the dishes in it until the next day. So the tub sat in the bathroom.

I awoke at 6am hearing my cat make the strange sounds he makes when he has cornered an animal (usually a mouse or bird, often one he's caught outside and hauled in the house to play with a while before the killing bite). I went in the bathroom where I observed my cat with his hair standing on end.

There, half in the tub and half out, with his head poking out, was a very large Tookay, perhaps more than 12 inches long. What to do ? Well, first I locked the cat in the computer room so he couldn't freak out, or attack the lizard while I saved him. Then I threw a towel over the lizard, grabbed the towel and took the Tookay outside and released him back into nature.

I returned to the bathroom to empty the tub, with the idea I would put disinfectant cleaning fluid in it and wash it out. But as I lifted the tub to pour the water out, this incredible aroma came to me : it reminded me of so many wonderful things : of jasmine, of teen spirit, of gardenia, of the kind of latex pantyhose that girls in my high school wore that were impenetrable and unremovable by adolescent males with all of the muscles and testosterone and none of the self-control and common sense.

An after-scent of rancid Tibetan yak butter tea laced with overtones of Coptic Rite Orthodox incense. Mirabile !

I wondered where the scent came from ... and then I had that eureka moment that it was from the water the Tookay had been in ... how long I don't know.

I couldn't help myself : I just stood there snuffing in the divine nectar of the Tookay water smell. And then ... the most remarkable thing ... well, good taste stops me (for once) from going into details, but let us just say that I, and all of our test subjects, male and female, young and old, Thai and Farang ... ALL have had a powerful "aphrodisiacal" response of amazing proportions.

It took me four hours of Vipassana meditation to bring my mind back under control after my first experience with Tookay water; of course, I had, unwittingly, overdosed, I now realize.

With difficulty I managed to trap a few more Tookays and left them in shallow water overnight. The scents all varied the morning-after, but in each case they were an ambrosial perfume to my nostrils. And now that I knew better than to inhale overlong, it took me only an hour of meditation, and five minutes of flagellation, after each exposure, to resume that state of peaceful celibacy I so cherish.

I forget when I had the insight that making natural fruit jellies from Thailand's exotic fruits, like mangosteen, durian, star apple, etc. and then flavoring them with the divine eau de Tookay would be a culinary and gastronomic achievement worthy of note by the Michelin Guide.

But in any case, we are in full operation now, and I delight to share with you the following press release which will go out today to all major media, food magazines, etc.

Sincerely, Orang37

For Immediate Release "Tookay Jelly" contact : Orang37 at [email protected] for ordering and shipping information.

"No Tookays are harmed or killed during the production of this jelly.

Our Tookays are allowed to roam free in our spacious Doi Saket Tookay preserve, following their natural lifestyle. Each is banded and tagged with a computer code.

When the jelly is ready for flavouring, twenty Tookays, male and female, are gently picked up in special terry-cloth towels by our trained reptile paramedic handlers, and brought into the flavouring room. There, each Tookay spends no more than three minutes in a room temperature solution of hydrogen peroxide and distilled water.

Thanks to our tagging system, no Tookay will be asked to provide flavour more than twice per month.

Since some of the male Tookays become so excited by the scent of female Tookays in the broth, and are unwilling to leave the solution, they are given an extra fifteen minutes to calm down if necessary while soothing "new-age" music is played. Of course the males are closely monitored during this period for signs of over-excitement or drowning.

Then each Tookay is returned to the place where he or she was gathered; twenty grams of dead horseflies are set down next to where the Tookay has been returned as a reward. It is an amazing fact that some of the Tookays actually learn to associate the footsteps of our trained handlers with going to the "flavour room" and getting a big pile of horseflies as a reward and actually stalk the trainers, volunteering. But, let us repeat that no Tookay is allowed to flavourize for us more than twice a month.

In the event a large alpha-male Tookay actually constantly stalks our trainers, and sometimes jumps up and bites them on the the nose, or the ears, said Tookay is gently placed outside the Tookay preserve, and their computer tag is "black-listed." Repeat offenders are placed in sound-proof boxes and relocated 20 kilometers away from the preserve in habitat similar to that of the Preserve. Any of our handlers bitten by a Tookay are allowed medical leave and provided health and mental health services by professionals.

The Tookay-water is then raised to a temperature of about 80 Centrigade for five minutes which removes all hydrogen peroxide.

The remaining "eau de Tookay," or attar, is then mixed in with the jelly base, our secret mixture of rare Thai fruits and spices, and bottled with the usual modern sanitary bottling, and sealing, techniques in sterilized jelly jars.

On file, in our headquarters, in scenic Doi Saket, we maintain countless letters of thanks and praise from people ranging from ordinary house-husbands to professional chefs, from aerial tightrope walkers to neuro-surgeons. Prostitutes and Missionaries alike swear they have never had a better jelly, never experienced a flavour as unique as our jelly's super-zingy tanginess, as boutique as our jelly's super-tangy zinginess.

Unsolicited testimonials to the healing power of Tookay jelly continue to pour in : terminal cancer patients, schizophrenics, teen-agers with brain-damage from glue sniffing, all write us about how Tookay jelly seemed to catalyze a remarkable change for the better in their physical and mental health. Beyonce Knowles, famed singer, wrote in that regular use of Tookay jelly took three inches off her booty in the first two months.

Woody Allen, famed actor, director, producer, writer, wrote us that sex with Soon-Yi has never been better, and he no longer has nightmares about Mia Farrow with a ginzu knife.

Tina Turner, famed soul singer, wrote in that through use of Tookay Jelly she was finally able to go to Ike's grave, and urinate on it without shame.

And we are proud to tell you that you'll find jars of Tookay jelly in the kitchens of the some of the most famous chefs and caterers in the world, many holding more than three Michelin stars.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter, noted cinema gastronome, uses our jelly liberally in his famous dishes like "Adonis with Astragula."

We invite you to join our Jelly-of-the-Month-Club, as seen on the Ofrah Winfrey show, and never worry about running out of Tookay Jelly again."

Yours, Respectfully, Orang37 , Managing Director, Tookay Jelly, Pty., Ltd.

[T_Dog]

Ah-Ha...So that's why one of my resident Tokay's is asking for a ride to Doi Saket. By the way, he could and would eat your cat!

[gpdjohn]

I know, I know...

It's a warm day out today and you decided to stay home. After watching the new Master Key and disappointed because Thep no longer sings, you went into the computer room and had a go.

It's quite alright.. these feelings will go away after awhile and you will regain your senses. It happens to us all some times.

01 April

[Ricardo]

I tried that 'Tokay' wine, from Hungary, once. Tasted like lizard-piss.

What's the date, again ?

Edited April 1, 2009 by Ricardo

[venturalaw]

I tried that 'Tokay' wine, from Hungary, once. Tasted like lizard-piss.

What's the date, again ?

George's April 1st post re: eliminating massage ladies under the age of 40 was much more entertaining.

[annabel]

April 1, 2009 Chiang Mai

Dear Friends,

At last I can take the wraps off a secret venture that I have been developing over the last year. And I look forward to personally giving every one of you a free sample of Tookay Jelly. For those of you receiving this not living in Thailand, may I note that the Tookay is a large lizard, species, famous for the males' nocturnal mating calls which often sound like human laughter.

Our website www.y2kjelly.com will be up shortly.

Kudos to you !!! Good April fool one and I almost got caught

Took a lot of effort to put that together to try and pull a fast "fool ya day", but I have to say ....thanks ...was fun to read and very entertaining and a good April fools catcher ....!!!

[nicksal37]

I agree with you Annabel.At least we have some people here with a sense of humour.Good to see!

[annabel]

I tried that 'Tokay' wine, from Hungary, once. Tasted like lizard-piss.

What's the date, again ?

George's April 1st post re: eliminating massage ladies under the age of 40 was much more entertaining.

Yup of course you would find it more entertaining ...as it talks about all your favorite subjects which are easily readable and don't require too much thinking....girlie bars and massage girls and all the other stuff that goes along this line and down the road ....The Toucae thing is probably too complicated to read through for the mind and imagination cause it doesn't match the above criterias of blah, blah , blah ...... who cares anyway ....it's so pathetic that humor here can only be found when the subject is bars, girlie bars, massage girls, The GF , The Wife whose names we will bever know ...nor will we ever know if it is My Wife or My GF whatever her name is which is totally irrelevant in any case I guess...cause it's the GF...Whose GF...??? Dunno...? Guess IT belongs to the poster ...The Wife ...The posters...?? Ummm... so many questions .... ...Ok go for the attack ..I have braced myself

[nicksal37]

Wow Annabel! what is your problem? I saw the post from George and thought it was funny .Did you see all the replys from the sad people that thought it was real?

[orang37]

....thanks ...was fun to read and very entertaining

Sawasdee Khrup, Khun Annabel,

I delighted you enjoyed my silly jape ! I also enjoyed George's post.

I am reserving a special jar of Tookay Jelly for you made from the bath-water of a very rare Tookay I have only been able to catch once : She appeared to be an unusually dominant alpha-female because all the other Tookays in the flavouring room, once they caught a sniff of her, rolled over on their backs and were completely immobile during the whole time she was in the room.

The effect of her scent produced amazing visions in my mind as time and space seemed to fall away from me : I saw a Chiang Mai as it may have been 70 years ago with trees lining Thanon Thapae, and hundreds of smiling people on bicycles; I saw very few farangs, and those I saw were evidently students of Thai, and I did not see any drunken serial-bar-girl-hoppers whose protruding bellies preceded them by at least ten inches. In fact I didn't see any bar-beers, or motorcyclists with the mufflers off, and I didn't hear one single snarling Farang complaining endlessly about how nothing worked properly here, or making thinly-veiled racist statements implying Thais were lazy, irresponsible, corrupt, etc.

Keep smiling

~o:37;

[annabel]

Heya...no problem really ....sure George's was definitely funny ...not saying it wasn't ....that was my point ... Tookay Jelly was also very very funny but just compare the responses to both .....that's all ... ...I was also responding to the dull post saying George's was far more entertaining ..... Byeeeee......

Wow Annabel! what is your problem? I saw the post from George and thought it was funny .Did you see all the replys from the sad people that thought it was real?

[rrose070]

Dang! I was looking forward to trying it!

[annabel]

me too !!! Too bad cause if I would of had the chance maybe I would have been comatose enough not to write up my offensive post ...... ......

Dang! I was looking forward to trying it!

[sassienie]

Also as a special promotion, the OP will throw in a free girlfriend soiled undies car air freshener with every 2 jars of jam purchased.

Edited April 2, 2009 by sassienie

[rrose070]

Hubby wants to know...does he HAVE to buy the jelly, to get the panties car freshener? (I'm writing this with a gun to my head)

[orang37]

Also as a special promotion, the OP will throw in a free girlfriend soiled undies car air freshener with every 2 jars of jam purchased.

Khun Sassienie, Sawasdee Khrup,

I am humbled into pie by your marketing of genius ! But, wondrous to relate, since I have been developing Tookay Jelly, I am sad to report I have had no girl-friends in spite of my remarkable blue eyes, my Poetic soul, my handsomely aging physique with barely a hint of bulge in the mid-section, and my great gift for modesty

Do you think it could be the poverty ?

~o:37;

[venturalaw]

I tried that 'Tokay' wine, from Hungary, once. Tasted like lizard-piss.

What's the date, again ?

George's April 1st post re: eliminating massage ladies under the age of 40 was much more entertaining.

Yup of course you would find it more entertaining ...as it talks about all your favorite subjects which are easily readable and don't require too much thinking....girlie bars and massage girls and all the other stuff that goes along this line and down the road ....The Toucae thing is probably too complicated to read through for the mind and imagination cause it doesn't match the above criterias of blah, blah , blah ...... who cares anyway ....it's so pathetic that humor here can only be found when the subject is bars, girlie bars, massage girls, The GF , The Wife whose names we will bever know ...nor will we ever know if it is My Wife or My GF whatever her name is which is totally irrelevant in any case I guess...cause it's the GF...Whose GF...??? Dunno...? Guess IT belongs to the poster ...The Wife ...The posters...?? Ummm... so many questions .... ...Ok go for the attack ..I have braced myself

Oh - So you're into self-abuse. They always are the frustrated finger-pointers!