Short Ones

[Boater]

Teacher:"James, why is your cat at school today?". James crying "I heard the postman tell mummy when the kids go to school I'm going to eat your pussy"

[Boater]

Old couple in church, halfway through service she whispers. "I just did a silent fart, what should I do"? He replies. "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"!!

[njpski]

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

[warfie]

Two blondes walk into a bar...

you'd think at least ONE of them would have noticed it...

[crowbait]

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre..................so the barman gave her one.

[Boater]

2 nuns meet for a coffee, first nun asks "did you come on the bus?" second nun replies "yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack"

[Crossy]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu.

Ignore it...it's just spam.

[Thaddeus]

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli this morning, police suspect he was dragged under by a strong currant.

[Boater]

Osama bin laden got caught shagging sheep the other day, when asked what was going on, Osama said they were Islams

[GraBangkok]

Child's prayer

[Daffy D]

Child's prayer

[warfie]

child's prayer

[fred2007]

Child's prayer

Just great

[Boater]

girl takes dress to dyrcleaners & asks for it be cleaned. The man is a bit deaf & says come again, Girl blushes and says no this time its yogurt!!!

[Texpat]

Two cheesburgers walk into a bar.

The barkeep looks at them and says, "We don't serve food here."

[Texpat]

Two jumper cables walk into a nightclub. A bouncer looks them over, and finally says, "OK, you can stay, but don't start nothin'."

[GraBangkok]

A long one

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

0A

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .

[GraBangkok]

Another long one

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ And one blonde says to the other, "Which do You think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can You see Florida..?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly She Says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde ou t for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts

back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she

touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the w heel w as knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and th en asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"

[warfie]

there's 10 types of people in this world;

those who understand binary,

and those who don't...

[GraBangkok]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob,

do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did'

'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy; I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day

[GraBangkok]

Ethnic Minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,

so Crime Watch is being shown five times a week now.

[Daffy D]

Ethnic Minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,

so Crime Watch is being shown five times a week now.

[Thaddeus]

Q. What is Noel Gallaghers favourite food.

A. Soup.

Q. Why?

A. You get a roll with it.

[warfie]

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

[babuhavas]

they say"behind every successful man there is a women"

Q-so who is behind that women?

A-wife of that successful man

[Boater]

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and says "What do you do?". He says "Top Gear". She says "fuc_king brilliant I'll have 3 grams."

[Merlin]

2 nuns meet for a coffee, first nun asks "did you come on the bus?" second nun replies "yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack"

Two nuns were riding bicycles along a back street in London.

One says: "I don't usually come this way"

the other one says: "I know: it's the cobblestones". . .

[LennyW]

Two nuns sharing a bath, one says "were's the soap"? the other replies, "yes it does doesent it"!

[cuddleypete]

Whats the definition of a durex and a coffin?

One's for coming in and One's for going in and there both for putting stiff's in

[Daffy D]

Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean.....

.........................................................................against tables, floors, chairs, walls and ugly birds!!