Worst Joke Ever

[doctormann]

What's the category beyond grim!

Dire!

[balo]

Question: Why did the Scotsman crawl on the floor through the supermarket?
Answer: Because they’re looking for the low prices.

[balo]

A farang and his Thai girlfriend are driving at night. The farang starts to worry something is wrong with his blinkers so he pulls over and asks his Thai girl he just picked up from a bar to get out and check them.
"Hey," the girl yells from the front of the car, "It working... Wait it no working... No now it working... Wait it no working... No wait, now it working... Oh sorry, it no work..."

If you think it was too much Thai bashing in this joke just replace Thai girl with a blonde.

[laislica]

What's the category beyond grim!

Dire!

Best, well for this thread anyway!

Respect for our deceased founder - Worst Joke Please!

Newcomers may not be aware that the OP was tragically killed in a traffic accident in Thailand.

Warfie, I hope that wherever you are you can still have a laugh at our feeble efforts to keep this thread going.

RIP

[fang37]

Dog joke attached.

[nikmar]

I haven't spoken to my wife in two years.

I dont like to interrupt.

[nikmar]

My brother got a job in a hospital and he's the coolest person in the whole building.

He's the ultra sound guy.

I can do worse!!!

[Ace of Pop]

[nikmar]

A mother buffalo says goodbye to her child buffalo as he goes to school.

"Bison!" she says.

[nikmar]

If anyone can think of a good fish pun then let minnow.

[laislica]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew!

[laislica]

Q: What do fish and women have in common?

A: They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!

[laislica]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert
after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly
and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for
death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in
the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ...
every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up,
and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"

"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree .....Ees
Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush ... !"

[WitawatWatawit]

If anyone can think of a good fish pun then let minnow.

Listen to the wireless at 10am tomorrow - set your tuna to 98FM.

[laislica]

[fang37]

Out of stock, Sir

[nikmar]

I'm thinking that, when my time comes, Im going to have an open casket funeral............

Remains to be seen.

[mca]

My Great Great Great Great Grandfather invented the crossword. I can't remember his name. It's P something T something R.

[laislica]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied, ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

She said, ‘I know, I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

[laislica]

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Medics say he needed a second coat

[chiang mai]

Not 100% fit here but still it gave me a chuckle:

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQs.... and God saw that it was good.

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQs,

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQs on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans,chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to make use of all these wondrous creations - go to the footy, enjo y the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

[nikmar]

[fang37]

Pilfered from the other forum -

[balo]

Q: How do you sink a Russian submarine ?

A: Scuba-dive down and knock on the door

[fang37]

Another try @ the importing business - Dick!

[fang37]

Finally.

Good on ya, Sir Richard.

[riceyummm]

[chiang mai]

Something a little bit different, you have to watch this one but it's still very funny. Keep watching to the end where the punch line becomes apparent:

http://safeshare.tv/w/sLtCVDmZnm

[chiang mai]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '<deleted> dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too <deleted>'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE. .....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

[loong]

Then Mick showed up with a boat

"I tort I'd give this absailing down a cliff a go"