I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,

Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....

Now that's clever !

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man says I've just come in my pants.

These are actual American court transcripts....Apologies to our friends across the pond...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law American court statements

The Pope went to Northern Ireland during a trip he asked Paddy what he thought of County Down .

Paddy says " It's <deleted> since Carol Vorderman left " !!

Sorry mate, but you're going to have to explain that one.

Apologies a uk, tv program joke.

JL

The arabs invented the first ever condom. It was made from a membrane from a goat. Later, other civilisations adopted the idea, but removed the membrane from the goat first.

An Arab was walking his goat in the desert alone, when he had the urge to have sex. As there was no one around, he tried to have sex with his goat, but the goat ran from him as soon as he could do anything. He soon caught up to it and tried another several times but the goat kept on running away so he soon gave up.

About 20 minutes later the man came across three beautiful woman standing next to a broken down car. One of the woman said to him, "can you please help fix our car, we will do anything to repay you."
Seeing that he knew quite a bit about cars, he agreed to do it. When he finished the woman asked, "What can we do for you?",

The Arab said, "well, I'm feeling very horny so you couldn't by any chance......help me hold down that goat?"

Was in court today, charged with 12 accounts of murder, 4 rapes and 3 paedophilia charges. When they asked me why i did these things i had the ingenious idea of saying "It is all in my religion".

Sitting smugly, thinking i'd outsmarted the bastards, the judge interupted and told me i was quite obviously not muslim...

Was in court today, charged with 12 accounts of murder, 4 rapes and 3 paedophilia charges. When they asked me why i did these things i had the ingenious idea of saying "It is all in my religion".

Sitting smugly, thinking i'd outsmarted the bastards, the judge interupted and told me i was quite obviously not muslim...

Probably Christian then.

What is the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will grow a culture.

"What do you call it when the Americans, Spanish, French, Dutch and Prussians kick British ass? - Answer - The War of Independence!"

So I was thinking - was that true?

Well, five against one - I must admit, that does sound like their style.

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Thought I would get away from the religious jokes for a while........

Man - "Hello?"
Woman - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
M - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

M - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,500.00."
M - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw last year's models. I saw one I really liked.

I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
M-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $75,000..."
M - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
M - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.

It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
M - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
M - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
M - "Bye...I love u too..."
The man hangs up, raises his hand while holding the phone, and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

You are not going to see the end of this one coming, I promise you....

http://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0

Two sailors after months at sea plan a night out when they hit a port.

Beers, a show and then look for a woman.

So they hit the bars big time and many beers later go to the theatre

The show is awful. It just drags.

Eventually the drunkest sailor needs to pee so he goes in search of toilets.

He has a lot of trouble finding them but after a lot of drunken wandering finds them and relieves himself.

Upon return he sees his mate un hysterics.

He says "you missed the best part of the night...a man dressed as a sailor came on stage and pissed all over the first row"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),

and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

An Englishman entered a bar.................{now you would expect an Aussie, a NZer and a Sth African to be there } SORRY!!!! They are still busy with the Rugby World Cup.

No. 20... Pilot, loaf of bread???