Worst Joke Ever

[anon21]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[Ron19]

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

[Ron19]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[Ron19]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

[Ron19]

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

[Ron19]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[overherebc]

Ancient King had a Coat of Arms with 4 quadrants,

Top left was an empty container.

Top right was a cow.

Bottom left was 2 full containers.

Bottom right was a milkmaid.

The crown was a book of Royal Commands

What was his name ?

[Ron19]

Walk with me as I age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.

Walk with me by the water - worth the read.

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER.

Shit, I forgot the words.

[anon21]

A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[nurofiend]

i bought my local blacksmiths dog at the weekend,

as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

[nurofiend]

i have a friend who has a butler whose left arm is missing

serves him right

[nurofiend]

two guys were arrested for thieving, one for car batteries the other, fireworks

first guy was charged, the other, left off.

another guy was caught stealing hay

he got bail

[nurofiend]

my girlfriend said she left me because of my obsession with touching pasta

i'm feeling cannelloni right now

[nurofiend]

i was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[anon21]

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Don't pay her!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[HeavyDrinker]

I was sat in my local tonight just reading my copy of Marxism Weekly when I happened to glance up.

Crickey! if I didn't see the first man up Everest, Sir Edmund Hilary, standing there.

Upon closer inspection I noticed he had a pastry encrusted meat filled savoury snack on the side of his head, resting upon his auditory organ.

"There's a pioneer" I thought....

[overherebc]

Ancient King had a Coat of Arms with 4 quadrants,

Top left was an empty container.

Top right was a cow.

Bottom left was 2 full containers.

Bottom right was a milkmaid.

The crown was a book of Royal Commands

What was his name ?

Ok it was Phillip the 3rd

[Ron19]

Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

[Ron19]

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[Ron19]

A man was driving to the hospital, with his wife who was pregnant with twins, when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a high school dropout which was never taken seriously, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”

His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

[TomTao]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.”

“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.”

“He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing Labor <deleted> who knows bugger all about running the country.”

“'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!”

“He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!"

“And there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.”

[nurofiend]

did you hear about the gay dwarf?

he recently came out of the cupboard.

[nurofiend]

what's a bigamist?

an italian fog.

[Ron19]

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man

"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.

"He was my wife's first husband!"

[Ron19]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man siad "Well the month is up tonight".

[Ron19]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[rijb]

You must be a lot of fun at parties.

[ttthailand]

Happy Roman...glad he ate her

[kevjohn]

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[kevjohn]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"