Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[fasteddie]

[billd766]

1 hour ago, fasteddie said:

 

You can't beat a good Rockape joke.

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

20 hours ago, billd766 said:

Rockape joke

Being an ex "Fishhead" I should have remembered that the "Rockapes" are a sub species of the "Crabs".

[Ron19]

"Come" again,  I didn't quite get (enough of) it!

Believe me, that is how they talk.

Sent from my iris 755 using Tapatalk

[tifino]

Fella picks up this bottle, and rubs it clean... it's a genie bottle

 

 

of course, he's offered 3 wishes

 

… fella is pretty lonely; missing his new girlfriend, met last week in Pattaya.

 

So, he asks genie first up for him to build a bridge between SriRacha, and Koh SiChang, so he could easily visit her at home?

 

Genie's taken aback!

Waving him off that it is just too big for the one task;

and so can he please choose again from scratch?

 

So, the fella is thinking... okay for my wish, can you reveal me the secret to how Thai girls think?

 

Genie comes straight back!

“ how many lanes would you like?”

 

 

 

[fasteddie]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good lord woman, an 1840 penny is probably worth a fortune and you must have a thousand of them there!

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good lord woman, an 1840 penny is probably worth a fortune and you must have a thousand of them there!

It's OK.  She is probably coining it in and making a mint and at the same time singing "pennies from heaven" while tossing!!!!!!

[chickenslegs]

In memory of Sir Ken Dodd - some of his tattifilarious lines ...

 

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

 

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

 

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

 

My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'

 

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher'. And it was during the bingo.

 

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

 

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.

 

I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist - Nobody has ever seen her lips move!

 

I thought it would be a good idea to go into Politics, maybe I am a little old... but you know... I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer - That way I'll be united with my money!

 

Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.

[scottiejohn]

Here are a few more "Diddyisms" from the ex "Mayor of Notty Ash".

 

There are some very dodgy questions on these forms. Sex? I put, ‘Well, occasionally’.

 

Nobody wanted me, my mother had to tie a pork chop round my neck to get the dog to play with me. When we played doctors and nurses, I was the ambulance driver. Trouble, you don’t know what trouble is. This morning I rang up the Samaritans. I said: ‘Hello. My name’s Ken Dodd.’ The fella at the other end shot himself.

 

I’ve just seen a car wearing a Red Nose . . . And an Irishman breathalysing it.

　

Always be nice to your kids because they’re the ones who’ll decide which home you’re going in.

 

A little old lady went to the doctor and said: ‘Can I have some more sleeping pills for my husband?’ He said: ‘Why?’ She said: ‘He woke up.’

 

I come from a very old military family. My great-grandfather had a lot to do with the relief of Ladysmith. As a matter of fact she invited him back the following night.

 

According to council regulations, this room can be cleared in three minutes. I’m here to prove it.

 

This morning the BBC sent a car for me. Luckily it missed.

 

Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions.

 

Votes for women! Squirting a hosepipe up Emmeline Pankhurst! How’s that for a suffering jet!

 

In the club I was in last night in Scunthorpe they kept a pig on the counter as an air freshener.　

　

So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.

 

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows — it’s never been done before.

　

In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast — it’s their staple diet.

 

What is deja vu? Haven’t I already answered that?

 

Did you know that Les Miserables was a Frenchman with no sense of humour?

 

Did you know that Handel donated all his organs to medical science? Mind you, he wouldn’t let them have his piano.　

 

I do gigs or ‘one night stands’. One night is all they can stand.

 

Eve said to Adam: ‘Do you love me?’ And he replied: ‘Well who else is there?’

 

As the Irishman said when he saw his X-ray: ‘I don’t remember eating all those bones.’

 

I’ve never wronged an onion so why do they make me cry?

 

Our farmers, working hard to grow fresh British food. Better than that frozen stuff from Iceland.

 

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Shine a torch in her earhole.

 

What’s black and blue and lies in the gutter? A comedian telling blonde jokes.

 

The crew here, they put me in number one dressing room. You can’t get lower than one. It was a nice dressing room though, they even put fresh straw in.

 

We don’t have bidets in my home. We just stand upside down in the shower.

 

What a beautiful day for dashing out to Trafalgar Square, chucking a bucket of whitewash over the pigeons and saying, ‘There you are, how do you like it?’

 

I was going to take the dog to an obedience class but it wouldn’t go.

 

On Friday morning there was a tap on the door. He’s got a funny sense of humour that plumber.

 

Where’s a chicken’s nuggets?

 

 

[wayned]

17 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Where’s a chicken’s nuggets?

I spent a lot of time in Japan working for Sony.  I once took a colleague for his first visit and at a traditional Japanese dinner he kept asking what is this. I told him not to ask and the next time that he asked one of the Japanese told him, after he had put the morsel in his mouth, " it's the part of the fish that the female doesn't have"!   He did have trouble swallowing and never asked after that!

[scottiejohn]

43 minutes ago, wayned said:

I spent a lot of time in Japan working for Sony.  I once took a colleague for his first visit and at a traditional Japanese dinner he kept asking what is this. I told him not to ask and the next time that he asked one of the Japanese told him, after he had put the morsel in his mouth, " it's the part of the fish that the female doesn't have"!   He did have trouble swallowing and never asked after that!

Are you saying he chickened out as he did/didn't have the b*lls to digest the relevant info!

[riceyummm]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good lord woman, an 1840 penny is probably worth a fortune and you must have a thousand of them there!

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Restaurant

A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop That!" To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP

 

Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.

 

What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell

 

Why did the computer geek go to the dentist? Because he had a bad Bluetooth connection. The dentist logged him in and told him this won't hurt a byte

 

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

 

What do you call a woman you married off the internet? Wife-I.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What part of a computer does a spider use? The webcam.

 

What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? He enters Nerdvana.

 

What did the turkey say to the computer? Google, google, google!

 

How do trees us a computer? They log in and then branch out!

 

What's the difference between an Linux and a virus? A virus does something.

 

Programming is like sex; One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]