Got banned from the local swimming pool yesterday for peeing in the water.

The caretaker shouted so loudly he gave me a real fright and I almost fell in.

 

A pirate walked into a bar, and the barman said....

 

" Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible. "

 

" What do you mean? " said the pirate, "I feel fine."

 

" What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. "

 

" Well ," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

 

The barman replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

 

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

 

" What about that eye patch? "

 

" Oh, " said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

 

" You're kidding, " said the barman. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"

 

" It was my first day with the hook. "

 

 

New teacher takes first class.

One lad enters late, and apologises, "Sorry Sir, I was playing on Sandy Hill"

Five minutes later another lad shows up, same excuse.

Then another, and another...

Finally a breathless young lass bursts into the class "And I suppose you've been playing on sandy hill too?" says the teacher resignedly.

"No sir, I am Sandy Hill".

(Cross-post, but it got me no hearts or smiles there, so I figured...)

 

RSPCA is the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals!

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Sad , in a funny way of course but who is this guy who keeps asking ?

21 minutes ago, superal said:

Sad , in a funny way of course but who is this guy who keeps asking ?

Maybe he will send you a massage later!

24 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Maybe he will send you a massage later!

I knew it would end with a happy ending 

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number 


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held in the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

Cleared all the german names out of my phone contact list .

My phone is now Hans free !!

5 hours ago, superal said:

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number 


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

 

Now I'm a Believer.

Bloke walks into the doctors with a strawberry on his head..

 

Doctor says " I can give you some cream for that "

 

9 hours ago, Elad said:

Bloke walks into the doctors with a strawberry on his head..

 

Doctor says " I can give you some cream for that "

 

If it had been a woman would you have described her as a tart?

Much quicker than Mr Google!

Facebook
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.  I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the “thumbs up” and tell them I like  them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!!
And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me:

Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
 

Once again, I publish the latest neologisms, they are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much  you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp whilst wearing a bikini.

8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

12. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men..

14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there with three dogs barking underneath. 

 

16 hours ago, billd766 said:

 

Now I'm a Believer.

They just don't write songs like that anymore! Thank God.

13 hours ago, Elad said:

Bloke walks into the doctors with a strawberry on his head..

 

Doctor says " I can give you some cream for that "

 

If he was a masochist would he have got the pip and felt the need to be whipped to a frenzy or am I creating too many ripples?

 

An airline pilot finishes giving a message to the passengers and forgetting to turn off the intercom says to his co-pilot
"Thats us done for the next 3 hrs, i'm gonna have a sh1t then i'm gonna shag the arse off that new blonde stewardess”.
In the cabin the stewardess hears him and rushes down the aisle.
Half way down an old lady grabs her arm and says
"No need to rush love, he's having a sh1t first."

The crusty old managing partner of the law firm finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.

Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.

 

The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.

 "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny with a wry smile. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

 

 

"and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.