Worst Joke Ever

[bangkokpoppys]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

correction: Speaking American (Spanish) is what kills you

[bangkokpoppys]

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.

Gold

Definitely in the wrong forum!!

[Smokin Joe]

A hispanic immigrant named Manuel was coming home very dejected after another day of job-hunting with no luck. He was worried that he wouldn't even be able to feed his family. As he was taking a shortcut through a meadow a man was a couple hundred meters behind him at the top of a small hill rolling a large wheel of cheese back to his restauraunt. He lost control of the cheese and it rolled down the hill all the way to Manuel where it finally came to a stop as it gently bumped into him from behind. Of course Manuel was overjoyed and proceeded to run home with the cheese as fast as he could. When he gave it to his wife she got all excited also and said "what should I make?, "enchiladas, quesadillas or... " , but Manuel stopped her and said "This cheese was provided by The Lord and must only be used for making nachos". The wife is confused and asks why. Manuel explains that as he was running home with the cheese he he could faintly hear The Lord saying "Hey, That's Nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese."

[silver sea]

Q: What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Edited July 6, 2014 by jukebox

[scottishjohn]

Is it just me or do candles smell exactly like burnt nose hair ?

It is just you. But that's OK, we love you anyway, regardless of that habit you have with your nose hair.

What makes you think it is his nose hair?

PS Why does he think it's nose hair rather than hair from elsewhere for that matter?

Edited July 6, 2014 by scottishjohn

[silver sea]

Doctor: "I'm sorry, Mr Jones, but the tests show that you have a bladder infection."

Mr Jones: "Oh dear. What does that mean?"

Doctor: "Urine trouble."

[Ron19]

I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

[Daffy D]

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential", responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Ron19]

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Tim's eyebrows went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders.

Tim raised an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named "The Fifth Element." Tim started grinning. Then I told him of what I did to make sure I get my luck working in my favor.

I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice

I went for a 5 mile jog to feel good.

I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off.

I dressed in the 5th shirt I found.

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.

I entered through the 5th admissions gate and bought 5 programs.

I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race.

I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Tim. "Did your horse win??!?"

I frowned at Tim and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

[Ron19]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[Ron19]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

[silver sea]

Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

[gennisis]

Little Boy....."Do I still have to sleep with Grandpa?

Mother........" Well you know we cant afford to bury him"

[VocalNeal]

Man calls up a chiropractor to make an appointment because he has a stiff back

Chiropractor asks "How flexible are you"

"Well I could come on Tuesday afternoon"

[Ron19]

DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX...

#10.... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09.... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple
of beers.

#08.... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07.... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06.... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05.... Three times a day is possible.

#04.... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone
else.

#03.... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

#02.... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.


And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......

#01.... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

[silver sea]

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential", responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Daffy D

Are you sure Prince Philip wasn't in the carriage too?

Click HERE to see what I mean!

[laislica]

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential", responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Daffy D

Are you sure Prince Philip wasn't in the carriage too?

Click HERE to see what I mean!

We are NOT amused!!!!!!!

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[Ron19]

WHY DO CONDOMS COME IN PACKS OF 3, 6, AND 12?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy" ... Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, One for February, one for March ........"

[Ron19]

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 5 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[animatic]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[silver sea]

Just been to an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.

[laislica]

British tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in Stansted after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was Unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

*"Who did I miss out?"

[silver sea]

Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A: A rain of terror.

[Ron19]

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

[laislica]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?". he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file.

"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?".

"No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!".

"I know, sir" replied the recruit

"But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!".

[laislica]

My wife recently asked me to do Something to commemorate our PET Dog Who Got Run over and killed Last month.

So I took a sh1t on The Carpet.

[laislica]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the Store.

As He waited, he was approached by a man Who Asked,

"Son, Can You tell me Where The Post Office is?".

The Little Boy replied, "Sure! Just Go straight down this Street and at The End turn to your Right. "

The man Thanked The Boy kindly and said,

"I'm The New Minister in Town. I'd like for You to Come to Church on Sunday.

I'll show You How to Get To Heaven.".

The Little Boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on ...

You do not even know the way to the Post Office.".

[laislica]

Facebook is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

[laislica]

What is your Favourite Insult:

She had a twot like a stab wound in a gorillas back.

Looks like she's been ducking for apples in a chip pan.

had more hands up her than Sooty.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf. shoe

she's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I would not ride her into battle.

Japseyes She's seen more than an oriental Optician.

It's like shaggin 'a pail of water.

A twot like a ripped out fireplace.

Face like a stuntmans knee

A twot like a yawning donkey

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo.

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout.

Been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun.

Edited July 22, 2014 by laislica

[laislica]

I kept getting really strange looks in the shopping centre today,

just because i was carrying in my bag my left hand.

honestly, you'd think some people had never seen a scrotum before.