laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 As I pulled back the ring-pull on my can of Stella I heard "Hello.". I thought to myself, "it must be the drink talking.". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Notes To The Milkman: "Dear Milkman, I've Just had a Baby, please leave another One.". "Please leave an extra Pint of paralyzed Milk.". "Please do Not leave any more Milk. All they do is Drink IT. " "Milkman please close The Gate Behind You Because The Birds Keep The Pecking tops off The Milk.". "Sorry Not to Have Before paid your bill, but My wife had a Baby and I've been carrying IT Around in My pocket for weeks. " "Sorry About yesterdays note. I did Not mean One Egg and a Dozen pints, but The Other Way round. ". "When You leave My Milk knock on My Bedroom Window and Wake ME Because I Want You to Give ME a Hand to turn The MATTRESS.". "Please knock. My television's broken down and I missed last nights 'Sopranos.'. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened. ". "My Daughter wants a milkshake she says. do you do it before you deliver or do i have to shake the bottle. ". "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.". "Milk is needed for the baby. father is unable to supply it. ". "From now on please leave every other day two pints and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when i do not want any milk.". "My back door is open. please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight. ". "Please leave no milk today. when i say today, i mean tomorrow, for i wrote this note ... yesterday or today is it? ". "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. ps. do not leave any milk. "."No milk. please do not leave milk at no. 14 either as he is dead until further notice. ". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Wow, it's getting hard to remember what jokes have been posted. Stops yer brain from rusting though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I walked into the pub earlier and shouted,. "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!". There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude. About half an hour later the landlord smiled,. "That was some gesture, "before presenting bar with a bill for £ 536. "Mate feking hell," I protested,. "I said I'd like to ... I never Said I could actually afford it.". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 A Gang Member was Holding his 8-month Old Baby while his wife was in Kitchen Fixing lunch. The Baby murmured "Mother". The Guy Gets all Excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, Baby Just said The Half A Word! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The Mrs shouted up the stairs this morning, "The sun's finally come out.". I thought, '<deleted> Buzzing' go to the beach, beer garden, so I threw some shorts and flip flops on and shot down the stairs, I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Brian. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's Plenty of Food and Water, and The weather is Beautiful, So He's doing alright - but He Gets Lonely After a few months ... The Pig starts to Look more and more attractive - Soft, Pink Flesh, round buttocks, etc. But. Every time this poor Guy Makes an Advance towards The Pig, The Doberman snarls at Him and Once Almost Bit his leg. Very frustrating. One Day The Guy Sees a speck on The Horizon, So He swims out there and IT Turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in The bottom of The Boat is a Beautiful Woman, Unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I do not know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it.". The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 On a Golf Tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods Drives His BMW Into a Petrol Station in a Remote Part of Irish Countryside. Pump Attendant Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Golf greets Him in a Manner Typical Irish golfing Professional is completely unaware of The Who. "Top of The Morning to U Sir "says The Attendant. Tiger nods a Quick "Hello" & Forward to Pick up The nozzle bends. As He does So, Two Tee. Fall out of His Pocket Shirt S onto The Ground. "Wat are those ?, The Attendant asks. "They're Called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, on this God's Earth Wat are they for?"? Inquires The Irishman. " They're for resting on My Balls When I'm Driving ", says Tiger. "Holy Jesus", The Irishman says,. "BMW Thinks of Everything!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 My wife had a 'Near Death' experience the other day. Silly cow thought she could hoover when the World Cup Final was on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Whoever said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," obviously hasn't called their missus a fat twot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I was sat watching the tennis earlier and all I could hear was grunting and moaning. In the end I shouted to the wife "for <deleted> sake will you shut the toilet door" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store.". "But i'm a graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I dd'nt realise that," said the manager. "Here, give the broom - i'll show you how.". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The private would pick up any piece of paper he found, sulk and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the sergeant arranged to have the private psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the private was mentally ill, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The private picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 "Your dog has been barking for the last 3 feking hours!". I shouted at my neighbour this morning. "I've Got a Serious Hangover and I'm trying to Get some Sleep!". "It would Help IF You Probably Got out of His kennel," she replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Those cold relief tablets are shlt...I've just eaten a whole packet and I'm still freezing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I'd like to thank all the porn stars that were there for me when things got hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 After drinking heavily last night, I had sex with 3 women I'd never met before. I licked strawberry cream from their bodies and poured champagne all over their boobs. Afterwards we were starving, so I went downstairs and put some grub in the oven. That's when the Channel 4 cameraman looked at me and said, "I'm afraid this is not suitable footage for Come Dine With Me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 SERIOUS WARNING FOR MEN ON St.Patrick'S DAY. Police are Warning all Men Who Frequent Clubs, Parties & Local pubs to be Alert and Stay cautious When Offered a Drink by any Woman. Many females Use a Date-Drug on The market Called "BEER". The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It Comes in bottles, Cans, or from Taps Large and in kegs. "BEER" is Used by female Sexual Predators at PA. Rties and Bars to persuade their male victims to Go Home and Sleep with them. A Woman Needs to Get a Guy to Consume only a few units of "BEER" and then ask Him Simply Home for no-Strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After Several "BEERS", Men Will often succumb to The Desires to Sleep with horrific Looking Women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After Drinking "BEER", Men often Awaken with only hazy Memories of exactly What Happened to them The Night Before. , often with vague Just a Feeling that "Something Bad" occurred. At Other Times unfortunate these are swindled out of their Life Men's savings, in a Familiar Scam Known As "A RELATIONSHIP". In Extreme Cases, The female May Even be shrewd Enough to entrap The unsuspecting male Into a Longer-term Form of Servitude and punishment referred to As "MARRIAGE" '. Men are much more susceptible to this Scam After "BEER" is Administered and sex. is Offered by The predatory females. Please Forward this Warning to Every male You know. If You Fall Victim to this "BEER" Scam and The Women administering IT, there are male support groups Where You Can Discuss The details of your shocking encounter with similarly. Men victimized. For The support Group Nearest You, Just Look up 'Golf Courses' in The Phone Book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slipperylobster Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 A drunkard stumbled out of the local pub at closing time, just as a nun, dressed in full black habit, was passing by. The drunk reared back and punched the nun square in the jaw, knocking her out cold. A crowd of spectators rushed over and gasped in horror at the unconscious nun. Just then the drunk stumbled forward, pointed a finger at the nun and said... "You're not so tough, batman!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I saw a road sign today outside a school saying " slow children " I thought, that can't be good for their self esteem... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Our window cleaner doesn't half do a thorough job. Twice I've come home in the past month to find him cleaning the inside of our bedroom window,whilst embarrassingly my wife is still in bed. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I'm romancing a Scouse girl and I'm determined to make her see that I'm the right guy for her.... So tomorrow I'm taking her shoplifting !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had Her sit down and Relax in another Room. The older Doctor marched back to The First and demanded, "What's The Matter with You? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has Four Grown Children and Seven grandchildren, and You told Her she was pregnant? " The New Doctor smiled Smugly As He Continued to Write on His clipboard. "Cured Her hiccups though, didn't it?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I was driving to work this morning when the police pulled me over and asked me what have you got in your boot? I replied, a sock and 5 toes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blow job was yesterday. I didn't know what a blow job was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew. "Do you know what a blow job is?" She got up and walked out of the room,which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slipperylobster Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 A beautiful, sexy, blonde girl came home unexpectedly one night. She went upstairs and opened the door to the bedroom What she saw completely shocked her. A woman having sex with her husband. She immediately ran down stairs, loaded a pistol with ammo and went back up to confront the husband. As she stood in the doorway, she held the pistol against her own head, tears streaming forth. Her husband, totally aghast, said..."Honey! I am so sorry...please don't do this. She screamed back at him..."Shut up you a....hole, you're next !" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 (edited) My wife arrived back from her driving test today. "So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?". "Not good," she replied. "He failed me!". "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?". "A rope," she replied. "The car's still at the bottom of the river.". Edited July 22, 2014 by laislica 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big a spider is,nobody steals my feking shoe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Been waiting at The Pub for My wife to Pick Me up for hours now. How long does it Take to have A Baby, for <deleted> Sake? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 My Mate keeps telling Me I Look like The Italian Stallion. I wish he'd leave it out with The Sly comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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