A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on It that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following

conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,

many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We

went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three

times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to

his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed

together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting

it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance ,

say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and

then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him

saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor

box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the

box , and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Did you hear about the guy who got stuck in the machinery at the eyeglass factory?

.....He really made a spectacle of himself.

(told to me by my daughter when she was 5 years old)

true story, I shit you not;

Elvis was riding around Nashville with a friend. They heard on the radio that there was an "Elvis look-alike' contest at a local bar. Just for fun, Elvis thought to enter, but didn't tell anyone who he was. He came in 3rd.

Mum, I want to be a priest but I have two problems with it

What are they son?

One is I must go where the church sends me, maybe far away from you, I will miss you,

Don't worry son, you will do the Lords work, I will always be with you in your heart, what's the other problem?

Celibacy Mum, I will find hard to live a celibate life

What are you talking about son, you're going to be a priest.

School kids are given an execise to write a short story about Australia that has to include the following

1 Religion

2 Royalty

3 Disabilities

4 Racism

5 Sexual discrimination

On Monday little Bazz submits the following.

My God,cried The Queen, look at that one legged Black fella, he's a poofter.

A husband is porking his wife, when the bedroom door opens and their young son is standing there. The husband chuckles and says to his wife, 'just a moment dear, I'll go and talk to the boy.'

When he finds the boy, he's porking his grandmother.

"Son what are you doing!"

Son replies: "it's not so funny, when it's your mother getting porked, is it?"

Oh dear... what have I started?!

Oh dear... what have I started?!

I don't know but keep them coming.Shit I shouln't have said that should I?

What's an Italian fog? A bigamist (pronounced: beeg - ah - mist)

an original by an obscure stoner named 'Smitty' - told to me in Greece, 1966, when I was 14)

Q.How do I make my dick 10 inches long?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. Fold it in half.

The dislexic eskimo wanted to ask his friend to share a beer. Instead they went off to shear a bear.

(an original by Maidu)

From the movie: Full Metal Jacket (diddy sung while army recruits are marching in formation):

"I don't know but I been told / Eskimo pussy is mighty cold"

Two Jews in an Indian Restaurant.docx

A horse walks into bar and the barman says " Hey "

The horse says " Sure "

A horse walks into bar and the barman says " Hey "

The horse says " Sure "

That was just so bad, it was good.

My wife needs to learn the meaning on irony, my shirts are always creased!

My wife needs to learn the meaning on irony, my shirts are always creased!

maybe you need to 'button down'

Click on image to enlarge.

Click on image to enlarge.

that's too good for this thread

Click on image to enlarge.

that's too good for this thread

Sorry about that. I wasn't sure,maybe it should have been put in as a new topic under Joke's,Puzzles,etc.

17 Downloads already.

A horse walks into bar and the barman says " Hey "

The horse says " Sure "

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says " Why the long face mate?"

A rasta rabbit visit the vet and says " I'm really ill.. Yesterday I had cheese on toast for breakfast, beans on toast for lunch and poached egg on toast for dinner and I today I feel awful."

"I know what's wrong with you" answers the vet " You've got mixametoasties"

I'm a bit sad at the moment. My granddad's in hospital with premature ejaculation. The doctors say it's touch and go.

A bloke walks into the doctor's and says "I keep imagining I'm a pair of circus big tops and it's stressing me out!"

"Relax" replies the doctor " You're two tents"

I went to a seafood disco the other night and pulled a mussel.

A Dairy Queen manager was found dead on the floor of his store the other day covered in chocolate sauce and sprinkles. Police believe he topped himself.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sexy Thai uni student tied to a chair screaming for help?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

( sorry)

A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

Doctor: I've been over your test results and I have some bad news and unfortunately some worse news."

Patient: Give me the worst news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: My God! Well what's the bad news?

Doctor: You've developed Alzheimer's Disease.

Patient: Well that's not so bad. I thought you were going to tell me something terrible like I had 24 hours to live"

A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

I don't 'get it.'

A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

I don't 'get it.'

Neither do I.