tw25rw Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Get yourself a copy of Thaland Fever from a shop that does English language books. it's yellow with a Thai girl on the front. You'll both learn from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdnvic Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Talk you your girlfriend about how she feels about the whole thing. If you both are of the opinion that it's either not appropriate to pay anything now, then problem solved, let her deal with her parents. It's good to get these things sorted out before a relationship progresses. Don't forget that you have a culture too, and they need to understand that as well. Sometimes it's all about finding a face saving compromise that works for everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rideswings Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 My advice to you, OP, is to go with what your gut feeling is and never, ever, divert from it. It sounds from your post that you might not want to pay it, so give it alot of thought before you pay anything. If she needs an answer right away, it might be a warning sign. I have learned more about controlling my money by being with a Thai woman than I ever had in my previous life. My personal opinion from experience is that if you agree to pay sin sot at any time, it is just opening the door to having to pay more in the future to support her family for sometimes unreasonable things. Some of the things i have been asked to pay are for her sisters school, her dads cow got sick, her moms house burned down (a lie), sister got sick, mom got bit by a centipede (a what????), mom fell of motorbike, uncle got sick, and various other lies and exaggerations designed to part me with my hard earned cash. I wish you well in whatever decision you make and hope you dont make the same mistakes I did in being over generous and stupid with my money at the beginning of my relationship. I have been separated with around 150,000 baht of my money during my relationship, but we are still together and she knows that if she asks for anything money oriented for her family I will ask her family to pay for it and tell her not ask me for the money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john b good Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here. And what is that (the culture here) To sell your daughter to the highest bidder or to live off her earnings as a prostitute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john b good Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 My advice to you, OP, is to go with what your gut feeling is and never, ever, divert from it. It sounds from your post that you might not want to pay it, so give it alot of thought before you pay anything. If she needs an answer right away, it might be a warning sign.I have learned more about controlling my money by being with a Thai woman than I ever had in my previous life. My personal opinion from experience is that if you agree to pay sin sot at any time, it is just opening the door to having to pay more in the future to support her family for sometimes unreasonable things. Some of the things i have been asked to pay are for her sisters school, her dads cow got sick, her moms house burned down (a lie), sister got sick, mom got bit by a centipede (a what????), mom fell of motorbike, uncle got sick, and various other lies and exaggerations designed to part me with my hard earned cash. I wish you well in whatever decision you make and hope you dont make the same mistakes I did in being over generous and stupid with my money at the beginning of my relationship. I have been separated with around 150,000 baht of my money during my relationship, but we are still together and she knows that if she asks for anything money oriented for her family I will ask her family to pay for it and tell her not ask me for the money. Baht 150,000 You are very fortunate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanmiguellight Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 (edited) Tell her mother that in you're culture its tradition for the Brides parents pay for the wedding, then get out the glossy brochures of some idylic 5 star retreat on one of Thailands beautiful islands! Youve either got to be a muppet or desperate to pay. Edited July 19, 2009 by sanmiguellight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serpico Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I have developed a policy since living in Thailand. Never give anything to someone that is shameless and ASKs for your hard earned money. NEVER. There are plenty of NICE people out there that deserve a hand now and then. NOT THIS FAMILY. SCAM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoiGirlHunter Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Kao, I just explained your situation to my Thai wife hoping to get a Thai's opinion She says to you "Go Long dont go back". exact words its a scam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loaded Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 From the parent's perspective maybe they are just trying to ensure their daughter isn't messed around by a transient farang who doesn't want to give commitment to their daughter. This payment would show commitment. However, without a marriage the payment is not traditional and the request should be ignored. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rideswings Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 John B Goode - you think me paying 150,000 baht is fortunate???? maybe so... but please dont tell that to the OP... he might just give her the GDaRned money and think he's getting a deal!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canuckamuck Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 When you test drive a car, do you take it around the block a few times or do you take it home for an unspecified amount of time. If I was the girls dad I would by now be expecting that you are just a tire kicker taking advantage of their good nature. This isn't the west, and by now the dad has had a hundred conversations with family and friends about the status of his daughter, and day by day he is losing face. He is also being convinced that you are a typical westerner, just here to satisfy yourself and then move on. You have created a problem here because you have implemented your western idea that living together is standard practice and is nothing more than an extended date. In the west you have a culture that supports that concept, but you might have noticed Thailand his different. If you are serious about this girl and have genuine good intentions, you should make a show of good faith. Buy the old man a new Honda Wave or something he needs, take it up there and have a conversation about your plans, your culture, and how you see things turning out. Of course if you haven't got a clue about the future then the old man is right and you should be moving on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuky Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 John B Goode - you think me paying 150,000 baht is fortunate???? maybe so...but please dont tell that to the OP... he might just give her the GDaRned money and think he's getting a deal!!! It is fortunate. I lost 30 million. And nearly two years later she still calls every payday telling me she needs more. When I say NO WAY GEt F'ed, out come the death threats. Expensive lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rideswings Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 (edited) If I had to do it again, and I was in your situation right now, I would just rent her for a while. Throw the family 10,000 baht to keep them quiet for a month and if they ask for more, which they will, throw them a little more. If they are as poor as you say they are, 10,000 baht is more than their daughter would be able to give them in a year if she gave them any money at all. And while I agree with some people who think you should do the "noble" thing and give her parents what they want, her parents are showing no nobility in trying to extort money from unwilling and unable farangs. I lost most of my nobility after the 3rd or 4th lie about my inlaws needing money. So now I give little. Grumbling has become one of my pastimes while I am in Thailand. Especially when the gf/wife asks for money. Edited July 20, 2009 by rideswings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdnvic Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 If I had to do it again, and I was in your situation right now, I would just rent her for a while. Throw the family 10,000 baht She's his girlfriend, not a motorbike. Guys talk about women like they're disposable then wonder why the ones that will actually give them the time of day all seem to be out to get something. If you act with no class, don't expect to attract anything better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickvisa Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Hello, been living with my Thai gf here in bangkok for a few months although we have dated for over a year. Today went to her parents house because her mother wanted to speak to us. Should point out that she is from a poor family. They told us today they want 100,000 or 200,000 bhat plus gold because we are now "something".....this was all in Thai..but gf explained it as "kind of engaged". I quietly thought ...<deleted>?.... we are not engaged and are still at early stages of living together in a full on relationship. I have read that dowrys still exist here for marriage but has anyone heard of a custom of giving alot of money to the parents just to date the daughter. my gf could not explain it well. Also a little bit flustered because her family has not been especially friendly so far but today were all smiles. hmmm. Thanks. As stated several times the custom of payment is for marriage, not dating. However, that being said, there is no law against breaking with tradition. I never paid anything to my wife's parents prior to marriage or after. It was simple - my wife had lived on her own for many years and believed that OUR money be saved for OUR family. Therefore no dowry. She was the only young Thai that I found that shared my beliefs. For me it would have been a deal breaker. That being said, it's really what your gf's position is in all of this. If she is encouraging you to pay, I would tell her it's not your way and that if that is what she believes is correct, then it's good that you found out now, and have a good life. You don't want her to live with guilt by not following through with what she believes in and thereby complying with her parent's wishes, and you don't want to live with resentment should you cave in and pay. So best to part amicably at this point in time if no resolution. what u r experiencing is quite normal,many men from all over the world come to thailand and fall into the trap of paying the relatives for the thai girl ,the bar girls quite often send most of their money home ,my wife is finished with her mother who demands all her money and would pressure her enormously to get money off me to give to her beloved son who would and still does drink and fight with his other spoilt by their mothers mates and wont work ,i had to get involved in a brawl to protect this little weasal which he and his mates started ,and he paid me back by beating up my woman with his mate ,the mother sides with him regardless ,now i dont know if i can control myself if i see the dog again ,i ll be back in thailand in a week to finalise my girls visa ,who i have told dont worry i am your family now you me and her 9 year old daughter ,and forbiden her to give any money to any relative who supports her mother or brother ,but o.k.d it for those who do good ,you cannot buy love and respect my girl works 12hours a day for a lousy 6bucks aud i have seen guys build new homes for their thai girlfriends mothers new cars new motorbikes thick gold chains ,seen the girls go out hitting the piss at clubs ,not only old fat bald blokes paying for it but also young good looking blokes paying for it too ,my girl finished with her mother who only saw her as an atm ,and for that i ll happily take care of her ,maybe you might find your answer in my little story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lite Beer Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Offensive post and the replies to it deleted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gpdjohn Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I think they do not like you and it's a way to try to get rid of you. But I do agree with the if you're living together it's looked at quite differently than if you were just dating. Good luck and I hope it all works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rideswings Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 "Guys talk about women like they're disposable then wonder why the ones that will actually give them the time of day all seem to be out to get something. If you act with no class, don't expect to attract anything better." I have a disposable woman in addition to my Thai wife/gf. Dont knock it till you try it. She is plastic, costs $39.95 brand new, and never needs to eat, drink or go to the pottie. And the best thing is that she never asks for money like my Thai woman does. It was worth the $39.95 just to avoid hearing the whining about money all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
venturalaw Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 My advice to you, OP, is to go with what your gut feeling is and never, ever, divert from it. It sounds from your post that you might not want to pay it, so give it alot of thought before you pay anything. If she needs an answer right away, it might be a warning sign.I have learned more about controlling my money by being with a Thai woman than I ever had in my previous life. My personal opinion from experience is that if you agree to pay sin sot at any time, it is just opening the door to having to pay more in the future to support her family for sometimes unreasonable things. Some of the things i have been asked to pay are for her sisters school, her dads cow got sick, her moms house burned down (a lie), sister got sick, mom got bit by a centipede (a what????), mom fell of motorbike, uncle got sick, and various other lies and exaggerations designed to part me with my hard earned cash. I wish you well in whatever decision you make and hope you dont make the same mistakes I did in being over generous and stupid with my money at the beginning of my relationship. I have been separated with around 150,000 baht of my money during my relationship, but we are still together and she knows that if she asks for anything money oriented for her family I will ask her family to pay for it and tell her not ask me for the money. Thank you for sharing - an excellent example of how 'contributions' to family can get out of hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
venturalaw Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 The words "car crash" and "slow motion" come to mind.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
venturalaw Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 There are many experts on this forum who seem quite single minded and unable to open themselves to the idiosyncrasies, opinions, traditions and social expectations that don’t fit their own or the circles in which they socialise. Just because other peoples experience is not the same as another’s it doesn’t make it right or wrong. There is a whole spectrum of tradition and hoops that couples have to jump through which dramatically differ throughout the ranging demographic groups in Thailand. These differences in education, social status, modernisation, westernisation, culture and tradition all have a strong result on the expectations of a prospective son in law. So, If you are living with your girlfriend its quite likely that the parents disapprove and would prefer to ‘believe’ that you are married. It’s even possible that your girlfriend, in order to ‘protect the face’ of her parents has told them you will get married and that this money request was nothing more than the sin-sod they expect. It might help to double check and triple check with your girlfriend about exactly what this money is for and why. Sometimes in theses circumstances an oversimplified answer is given which can be unintentionally misleading and discussion may help you understand the reasons behind their request. Whether the sin-sod request is fair or right is something which has been discussed many times on this forum and only something you can answer yourself. But briefly, I don’t know of any of my Thai friends in Bangkok who have not paid sin-sod. Some received it all back, some only half. Of the Western-Thai couples I am friends with about ¾ have paid sin-sod and for those who did, it was returned. The amounts of sin-sod in the Western-Thai relationships matches that of the Thai couples and is in accordance to the status of the lady and their family. The point of previous posts on point is that people do not 'have to' do anything regarding tradition. You chose whether to participate, or not participate. It's up to the individual. Furthermore, if the parents truly 'disapprove' of the couple's living situation, then why would the payment of money make it acceptable? Hypocrisy. Sinsod is for marriage by tradition. I have no problem with those who respect it and follow said tradition. That is their choice. I expect that people also respect the rights of others who chose not to participate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
venturalaw Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Get yourself a copy of Thaland Fever from a shop that does English language books. it's yellow with a Thai girl on the front. You'll both learn from it. I second this advise. I learned much from reading this book. There are parts that I disagreed with (too general) but most of it was very good at contrasting the cultural differences - the differences in the way Thai vs. westerners think, and why they think the way they think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j0hnga1t Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 venturalaw, I'm with ya! We all have to make choices in life and we have to live with the consequences Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robblok Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 If I had to do it again, and I was in your situation right now, I would just rent her for a while. Throw the family 10,000 baht She's his girlfriend, not a motorbike. Guys talk about women like they're disposable then wonder why the ones that will actually give them the time of day all seem to be out to get something. If you act with no class, don't expect to attract anything better. Girls are disposable... guys too. Its rare to see something last forever. But if gf is happy and you are happy why pay family. I have been living with my girl for a long time. Sin sod.. crazy i will not pay it. If your old and fat and your girl is half your age then ok pay it to compensate her for the horror of sleeping with you. If your in shape and close to her age no sinsod is needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imaneggspurt Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here. And what is that (the culture here) To sell your daughter to the highest bidder or to live off her earnings as a prostitute Seems to part of it dosent it, ,.and then every night the girl at the bar asks buddha for a rich customer, amazing thailand in deed ,..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robert44 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I would agree with those that have said it really depends on what your girlfriends reaction is to her parents request, if she was not upset and pushed back then you will only face more such requests if your relationship continues. So unless you are happy to keep paying then you should consider moving on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imaneggspurt Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 If I had to do it again, and I was in your situation right now, I would just rent her for a while. Throw the family 10,000 baht She's his girlfriend, not a motorbike. Guys talk about women like they're disposable then wonder why the ones that will actually give them the time of day all seem to be out to get something. If you act with no class, don't expect to attract anything better. Girls are disposable... guys too. Its rare to see something last forever. But if gf is happy and you are happy why pay family. I have been living with my girl for a long time. Sin sod.. crazy i will not pay it. If your old and fat and your girl is half your age then ok pay it to compensate her for the horror of sleeping with you. If your in shape and close to her age no sinsod is needed. Ha ha ha,, another young guy myth,....."If your old and fat and your girl is half your age then ok pay it to compensate her for the horror of sleeping with you. If your in shape and close to her age no sinsod is needed",.......a little knowledge is dangerous,. ....many old men have taken women off young men, nothing to do with age,.these types coulnt give a toss,".how much you love me ? .how much you got " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neeranam Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 (edited) John B Goode - you think me paying 150,000 baht is fortunate???? maybe so...but please dont tell that to the OP... he might just give her the GDaRned money and think he's getting a deal!!! It is fortunate. I lost 30 million. And nearly two years later she still calls every payday telling me she needs more. When I say NO WAY GEt F'ed, out come the death threats. Expensive lesson. Bloody hel_l. Last I heard, you were happily married. Although it doesn't surprise me, I'm sorry for your situation. If someone stole 30 million baht from me and started threatening me with death, they would last very long. Edited July 20, 2009 by Neeranam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robblok Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 If I had to do it again, and I was in your situation right now, I would just rent her for a while. Throw the family 10,000 baht She's his girlfriend, not a motorbike. Guys talk about women like they're disposable then wonder why the ones that will actually give them the time of day all seem to be out to get something. If you act with no class, don't expect to attract anything better. Girls are disposable... guys too. Its rare to see something last forever. But if gf is happy and you are happy why pay family. I have been living with my girl for a long time. Sin sod.. crazy i will not pay it. If your old and fat and your girl is half your age then ok pay it to compensate her for the horror of sleeping with you. If your in shape and close to her age no sinsod is needed. Ha ha ha,, another young guy myth,....."If your old and fat and your girl is half your age then ok pay it to compensate her for the horror of sleeping with you. If your in shape and close to her age no sinsod is needed",.......a little knowledge is dangerous,. ....many old men have taken women off young men, nothing to do with age,.these types coulnt give a toss,".how much you love me ? .how much you got " That is what im saying if you dont have the looks or shape pay for her. I never said she would pefer someone in shape over a lot of money that depends on the girl of course. But how do we call girls that have sex for money ? So what did you marry then Im talking about normal girls not the ones that prefer money over age and looks. Anyway a girl that wants sin sod and cares more for her family and face of her family then you could easily fall in the category i described. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arnoldjr Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Run, don't walk. And surely don't look back. For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here. If you mean the give me your money and leave culture, then you sir must be quite a pushover or clearly your girlfriend/wife is out of your league. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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