To Tell Or Not To Tell

[Gary A]

Morals? Friendship? Unless it is your brother or best friend, you are well advised to mind your own business. Giving advice often backfires even if your intentions were good. Keeping a low profile and minding your own business is a very good rule.

[robblok]

Morals? Friendship? Unless it is your brother or best friend, you are well advised to mind your own business. Giving advice often backfires even if your intentions were good. Keeping a low profile and minding your own business is a very good rule.

It really depends how you do it anyone could do it if they have a lil bit of tact. I have told friends about possible problems with their girls. They always reacted good to it. If you say something like "hey i have heard that bitch of you is going to fleece you"(American style) or "it really isn't my business but i felt i had to tell you, you decide if you act on it or not but i heard from my gf that your wife has a bad record with men i would be a bit carefull if i were you" (Dutch style)

[surface]

"hey i have heard that bitch of you is going to fleece you"(American style)

Seriously?

It's obviously up to the OP's GF to say something. Why should the OP get involved and potentially ruin the friendship between his GF and friend? She should tell him though. Not much of a friend if you don't warn them that somebody close to them views them as an ATM.

[robblok]

"hey i have heard that bitch of you is going to fleece you"(American style)

Seriously?

It's obviously up to the OP's GF to say something. Why should the OP get involved and potentially ruin the friendship between his GF and friend? She should tell him though. Not much of a friend if you don't warn them that somebody close to them views them as an ATM.

Not serious of course but Americans aren't known for their subtlety around the world

[tlock]

"hey i have heard that bitch of you is going to fleece you"(American style)

Seriously?

It's obviously up to the OP's GF to say something. Why should the OP get involved and potentially ruin the friendship between his GF and friend? She should tell him though. Not much of a friend if you don't warn them that somebody close to them views them as an ATM.

Not serious of course but Americans aren't known for their subtlety around the world

Didn't want to hijack this thread but http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/American-Subtlety-t285937.html

[zzaa09]

I agree with tlock, I'd be discrete, but I would let the guy know what my girlfriend heard. I wouldn't make a bit to do about it though. Thais do stick together against farangs and family usually is closer than marriage vows.

Not all situations. This myth has just been repeated often enough as it becomes true.

[caf]

I don't know if my idea of a friend is different from everybody elses on here, but I would tell my mate if someone was backstabbing him, or vice-versa. Friends are supposed to look out for one another, or have I got the whole friendship thing twisted?

Hear Hear

No you havn't got the friendship thing twisted. The two posters prior to yours certainly have though.

The Thais have a word for them เพึ่อนกิน peuan gin is used when friendship is not true.

[mrtoad]

I don't know if my idea of a friend is different from everybody elses on here, but I would tell my mate if someone was backstabbing him, or vice-versa. Friends are supposed to look out for one another, or have I got the whole friendship thing twisted?

No, I think you are spot on. Those that say accept it, or TIT etc, etc are nothing more than apologists and would probably be the first to come on here bleating if the same happened to them.

[Birdman]

Yes, sure, of course, if you are a friend, you would tell him. That's a premiss and should not be mentioned. Or shall we discuss the significance of a friend here.

One more thought: He certainly has not seen her family on weddings day for the first time. So he should know what package he will be in...

[bojo]

If I was a target, I'd like to know about it regardless of how much it might hurt me. The target should be informed.

Regards Bojo

[mahtin]

Today’s case in point: the homophones discreet and discrete. With growing regularity, we’re seeing writers using discrete when they mean to use discreet. (We almost never see it the other way around.)

Discreet means “prudent” or “tactful” — many people also use it to mean “subtle,” which we suppose is okay. Discrete, however, means “distinct or “separate.” For example…

Dave made some discreet inquiries about the possible layoffs.

Most restrooms are designed in consideration of two discrete user types — men and women.

Love from your friendly neighbourhood grammarpolicespellingnazi

[IanForbes]

Thanks for pointing that out, Mahtin. I made a typo and improperly used discrete instead of discreet... which I had intended to type. I often get letters out of proper sequence when typing. Unfortunately, when I spotted my mistake it was too late to edit it. On this forum you can't edit your own post after someone else replies to the topic.

[G54]

Sometimes we take the long road to find out we are being scammed in some way and often after that length of time it hurts the heart. I for one would rather have a friend tell me if something was amiss, but for them to do it discreetly.

As ever, forewarned is forearmed.

[Thongkorn]

Just tell your friend that you do not want anything to do with him. And say you cannot tell him why ,that way you are dropping a hint and not getting involved,,

[Harcourt]

Just tell your friend that you do not want anything to do with him. And say you cannot tell him why ,that way you are dropping a hint and not getting involved,,

Often the Thai way is to be indirect....there is subtlety, there is finesse, there are broad hints...and then there is off the planet!

I've seen some ridiculous advice before, but this has got to take the cake!

You're saying break up the friendship rather than tell or not tell. You suggest that this is a hint?

Lets say the OP takes this path:

Friend is left wondering....and wondering.....all sorts of imaginings. So many possibilities. Finally he has the OP on about it....the OP, sticking to his guns of not telling, prevaricates..... ill-feeling ensues....and so on.

There is just no possible good outcome.

[hhgz]

"So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech?"

I think that it is important that you immediately stick your nose in someone else's business. You get to feel that you are morally superior, and demonstrate your vast knowledge about the human condition.

[caf]

Thanks for pointing that out, Mahtin. I made a typo and improperly used discrete instead of discreet... which I had intended to type. I often get letters out of proper sequence when typing. Unfortunately, when I spotted my mistake it was too late to edit it. On this forum you can't edit your own post after someone else replies to the topic.

Don't be so sensitive. It's not a hanging offence. Let it go.

[caf]

Just tell your friend that you do not want anything to do with him. And say you cannot tell him why ,that way you are dropping a hint and not getting involved,,

How is that seen as dropping a hint.?

Be a friend and use discretion.

I'm amazed at the number of people on here with no balls.

[scorecard]

The responses on the forum are always the same "stay out of it mind your own business" etc. etc. But you know if the circumstances were reversed a thai would have no problem telling someone they barely knew what the farang groom's brother said. It's like they are all one big team and we farang's are a bunch of individuals. Hard to win at those odds...

It doesn't have to be a big deal, you don't gotta tell him what to think about the brother. It doesn't mean his girl is following her brother's advice. But you tell him over a beer "hey, FYI her brother said this to my girl. Just thought you'd want to know". I'd hate to see her brother buddying up to the guy like they're best friends, knowing the farang is being played for a fool.

I agree, I've recently experienced the intensity and nastyness of the local gossip activity, she couldn't wait to spread to everybody what amounted to total lies (big scale lies), all because she didn't get the job she thought was her's because of family ties, so she decided to get revenge.

In this case the lies also hurt 20 other people who initially believed the lies and as a result thought their jobs were finished. Ultimately, after several months the lady who developed/told all of the lies was caught out, she quickly disapeared and I doubt that she will ever be seen in the village again, she's certainly not welcome. Fortunately my (and my immediate family's) reputation has been restored.

But let's be fair here, nasty gossip happens in all countries.

I find another point that should be mentioned. The OP says the man is a friend. Whats happens if the friend finds out in two years time that you (OP) knew about all this and then the friend says"

"Why didn't you tell me this before, what sort of friend are you?"

In fact I would very carefully check the story, then If there is no doubt of a misunderstanding, I would risk initial displeasure from the friend to know that I did 'the right thing'. (Just my opinion and I know many will disagree.)

[sanook2me]

"So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech?"

I think that it is important that you immediately stick your nose in someone else's business. You get to feel that you are morally superior, and demonstrate your vast knowledge about the human condition.

I couldn't agree more. Attempting to break up someones relationship because of a rubbish conversation with the brother of the future bride.

It may be different if she was having an affair but this is just a family members rhetoric.

You have no idea what will happen in the future the groom and brother in law could become business partners, best friends (where would that leave your friendship) or enemies you have no idea about the future.

IMHO keep your long nose out of it until it concerns you and to be honest you said your wife isn't an airhead which i,m sure she isn't but why is she asking you about this and not her best female friends advice because this is perfect womans jibba jabba stuff at the beauty salon.

This is just common tittle tattle ignore and move on...

[marsteele]

We were at a wedding over the weekend, a nice chap we know from Singapore who had a rough trot with his last wife. He thinks he has found a gem and I hope he has for his second marriage. At the ceremony in the morning, TGF gets talking to the brother, and noticing 'she has a farang too', he starts to tell her how its important to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech? Or leave it be? He is not a rich guy, just regular Army, slogging away. It's a worry....

Oz

Was his last wife Thai? If so he should have a good understanding of thai women. He has made his personal choice and it is his life. My suggestion DON'T tell him. There are a lot of western leeches out there also thai women are no different. Is it not every girls dream to marry a RICH handsome man to support her.

[unforgiven]

We were at a wedding over the weekend, a nice chap we know from Singapore who had a rough trot with his last wife. He thinks he has found a gem and I hope he has for his second marriage. At the ceremony in the morning, TGF gets talking to the brother, and noticing 'she has a farang too', he starts to tell her how its important to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech? Or leave it be? He is not a rich guy, just regular Army, slogging away. It's a worry....

Oz

I would write him an anonamas letter and say it's just from a concerned friend that wishes him well but wants im to know the truth.

[robblok]

"So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech?"

I think that it is important that you immediately stick your nose in someone else's business. You get to feel that you are morally superior, and demonstrate your vast knowledge about the human condition.

I couldn't agree more. Attempting to break up someones relationship because of a rubbish conversation with the brother of the future bride.

It may be different if she was having an affair but this is just a family members rhetoric.

You have no idea what will happen in the future the groom and brother in law could become business partners, best friends (where would that leave your friendship) or enemies you have no idea about the future.

IMHO keep your long nose out of it until it concerns you and to be honest you said your wife isn't an airhead which i,m sure she isn't but why is she asking you about this and not her best female friends advice because this is perfect womans jibba jabba stuff at the beauty salon.

This is just common tittle tattle ignore and move on...

Sure sure who said anything about breaking up. I mean if i were told this i would not stop with the girl right away, i would just be a lot more careful and so avoid being scammed. If you know you can nip such behaviour in the but and go on with the relation.

You are talking about taking drastic measures and breaking up instantaneously i think thats a bit over the top. Knowledge is power.. guess they never told you so.

[Meridian007]

I think it's a case of having common sense, and enough life experience. If you feel that the groom has enough of these qualities, leave the situation alone as he will find out on his own. If you feel that he does not, a generalized education of what to expect (as suggested by a few people already) may help.

I think many who are "fooled" or "ripped off" end up this way because they believe that Thailand is different from the rest of the world. While it does have its differences, if you generally make the same decisions here as you would do at home, you'll be fine. There are good and bad people everywhere, you just need enough life experience to recognize the difference. And remember, every family has one of "those" types in it. If the whole family is not like that, the bride will already know not to listen to such negative advice from her brother.

[caf]

"So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech?"

I think that it is important that you immediately stick your nose in someone else's business. You get to feel that you are morally superior, and demonstrate your vast knowledge about the human condition.

I couldn't agree more. Attempting to break up someones relationship because of a rubbish conversation with the brother of the future bride.

It may be different if she was having an affair but this is just a family members rhetoric.

You have no idea what will happen in the future the groom and brother in law could become business partners, best friends (where would that leave your friendship) or enemies you have no idea about the future.

IMHO keep your long nose out of it until it concerns you and to be honest you said your wife isn't an airhead which i,m sure she isn't but why is she asking you about this and not her best female friends advice because this is perfect womans jibba jabba stuff at the beauty salon.

This is just common tittle tattle ignore and move on...

Sure sure who said anything about breaking up. I mean if i were told this i would not stop with the girl right away, i would just be a lot more careful and so avoid being scammed. If you know you can nip such behaviour in the but and go on with the relation.

You are talking about taking drastic measures and breaking up instantaneously i think thats a bit over the top. Knowledge is power.. guess they never told you so.

Exactly. sanook has not really thought this one through.

[Travel2003]

Unless the Groom is a real sucker, then he should be told.

That is what friends are for.

Looking out for each other.

But if the groom has regular common sense, then he will easily spot the leech himself.

[longstebe]

Just bloodywell tell the guy,once and once only.

I was in a similar situation with one of my American friends.He had met his wife (Thai) in the U.S through a so called friend.

I had warned him as did another guy.He didn't take the advice,he married.

I still speak with the guy and he is clearly not happy but he made his bed.Tough titty.

[bernie66]

If I were him, I would really appriciate the heads up.....

[sassienie]

We were at a wedding over the weekend, a nice chap we know from Singapore who had a rough trot with his last wife. He thinks he has found a gem and I hope he has for his second marriage. At the ceremony in the morning, TGF gets talking to the brother, and noticing 'she has a farang too', he starts to tell her how its important to get as much as you can out of them, family is more important and you never know when they are going to take off etc..

So now the problem, do we tell our friend, the groom, that his brother-in-law is a blood sucking leech? Or leave it be? He is not a rich guy, just regular Army, slogging away. It's a worry....

Oz

I wouldn’t worry about this too much, as this is a general stereotyping of Farangs believed to be fact by many Thais.

I had similar experiences with my wife’s family just before and a while after we were married 22 years ago.

After a few years, I put my foot down and made it clear to them that I find their attitude unacceptable and this will not be tolerated. I informed my wife that if this continues, than the family should never expect any handouts from me.

Soon after I was treated with much more respect, the word Farang was never used again by the family as a way of describing me and all have addressed me by my first name every since.

As for the original question, should the OP tell his friend about the over heard conversation? The answer is no.

As in all families, parents and siblings will understandably have concerns for their love ones and a little wariness of a stranger who is joining their family.

If the guy is a decent fellow and can display that he is not going to be a soft touch, his wife’s family will soon lose any mistrusts and disrespects they have of him and all will balance it’s self out in the future.

[ozsamurai]

I couldn't agree more. Attempting to break up someones relationship because of a rubbish conversation with the brother of the future bride.

I don't believe I ever suggested that this was my intention, far from it, I have nothing good nor bad to say about her, except she looked like a toilet roll doll in the dress she chose for the reception...lol

The groom in this instance regards my TGF as his little sister, and introduced her as such at the wedding, so the responsibility weighs a little on her, and the fact that she UNLIKE alot of women resents gossip, came to me, her other half for advise, I think this is normal. I was merely seeking some light to throw on the situation, to make an informed, experienced, educated appraisal of the situation, I never dreamed of 3 pages....all taken in....except of course those who just don't know how to spell disceet..

Oz