Guide To Zen!

[Tas]

 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

 The darkest hours come just before the dawn.

So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 Sex is like air.

It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

 Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

 Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

 Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again?

It was probably worth it.

 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

 Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.

Neither one works.

 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse.

From there on in, life gets worse

 The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.