One For The Ladies:

People magazine has named Matthew McConaughey "sexiest man alive" for 2005.

The title of the competition makes you wonder whether there might also be a slightly less touted, but alternate competition for the sexiest male corpse?

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

OK guys, here’s a primer on pregnancy, estrogen issues, and women. Hope this helps the male population of Bedlam…

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

(true or what)

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

OK guys, here’s a primer on pregnancy, estrogen issues, and women. Hope this helps the male population of Bedlam…

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Ha ha, my parents gave me a set of luggage as a high school graduation present!

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. Whats to understand?

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. Definitely a guy thing

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

(true or what)

Now, I am not a big Mel Gibson fan but he does have a point here:

After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

OK guys, here’s a primer on pregnancy, estrogen issues, and women. Hope this helps the male population of Bedlam…

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Ha ha, my parents gave me a set of luggage as a high school graduation present!

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. Whats to understand?

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. Definitely a guy thing

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

(true or what)

Now, I am not a big Mel Gibson fan but he does have a point here:

After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.

This Much?

Yeah, I know Boon Mee, that conversation requirement is a toughie

Yeah, I know Boon Mee, that conversation requirement is a toughie

All the gals consider me a great conversationalist!

I think your listening skills are perhaps your strongest point, Boon.

Glad I don't know this gal!

This Much?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I didn't know that eating chocolate cause flatulence.....?

Getting Old

I think I may have reached a new low here – no disrespect ladies…

Why Men Are Happier

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from

such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The

garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of

themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You

can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear

NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the

truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to

another gas station restroom because this one is just

too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which

way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux

rental-$100. People never stare at

your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically

expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your

feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are

over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You

can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for

the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone

forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your

friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs

of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have

strap problems in public. You are unable to see

wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face

stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for

years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face

and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly

usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair

of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear

shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your

nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice

concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on

December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Men may be happier but women control 60% of the world's wealth and 100% of the world's pussy so it all works out in the end.

Actually, boon mee has some pretty good points in between all the BS.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to

another gas station restroom because this one is just

too icky.

People never stare at

your chest when you're talking to them. 

You get extra credit for

the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Same work, more pay.

Actually, boon mee has some pretty good points in between all the BS.   

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to

another gas station restroom because this one is just

too icky.

People never stare at

your chest when you're talking to them. 

You get extra credit for

the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Same work, more pay.

Actually, I like this one best: "You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on

December 24 in 25 minutes"

Personally, I hate shopping (unless it's Home Depot or Lowes)!

OOH, Home Depot is like Mecca for me!

I love shopping, (hey, I'm a woman!) but it really does dependon what I am buying as well. I think its my canny Scots heritage but I love a bargain (why pay full price when you don't have to?) and it drives my husband crazy. That said, he didn't complain when I got him a cd car stereo with speakers from the US for cost--demo model is the last one the salesman told me so, hands on hips I said with a smile "What kind of price can you give me on that then?" Thailand has served me well .

Heh. Heh-heh-heh. Heh.

Why Men Are Happier

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from

such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The

garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of

themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You

can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear

NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the

truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to

another gas station restroom because this one is just

too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which

way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux

rental-$100. People never stare at

your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically

expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your

feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are

over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You

can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for

the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone

forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your

friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs

of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have

strap problems in public. You are unable to see

wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face

stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for

years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face

and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly

usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair

of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear

shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your

nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice

concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on

December 24 in 25 minutes.

They can do only one thing at the time...think or talk

No wonder men are happier.

Men may be happier but women control 60% of the world's wealth and 100% of the world's pussy so it all works out in the end.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Marriage

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

1) At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

2) A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted"

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

3) When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

4) A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is

finished.

5) A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

6) A young son asked,

"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

7) Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late."

8) Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

9) If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

10) Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through

life thinking they had no faults at all.

11) First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

12) A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to

forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I

pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death

Happiness

How to make a woman happy?

It's not difficult.

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest (white lies okay)

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. to never forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him

2. &lt;deleted&gt; him

3. and Shut the &lt;deleted&gt; up.

... what more do we ask for?

Eight Words

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female... Any part under a car's hood.

Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ner-a-bell) adj.

Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ka-moon-uh-kay-shun) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ka-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (in-ter-tain-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lentz) n.

Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. (Especially when one of the guys can light farts without burning his ass. - GOC)

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-mote-kahn-trol) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Gender

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything

in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it

takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective

reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,

but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often

over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go

anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of

course, there's that hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,

squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old

lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the

weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much

over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have

around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd

be male, didn't you? But consider this - it

gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,

and while he doesn't always know the right buttons

to push, he keeps trying!

Mr. Sensitivity

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best friend! Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it: Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a good meal.

thios seems to be a simple case of gynephobia.......

Why are men so affraid of feminists?

How To Be A Woman

* Do not nag him. He doesn’t need to hear your whiney little voice complaining about something he doesn’t want to change. Just sssshhh!

* Have a life. The second you start to miss yoga classes because of him, he’s got you, and you absolutely must not let him think he has you until he asks you to marry him. Men really are motivated by the chase.

* Dress like a girl. They like us because we’re girls, not miniature boys. Skirts are so popular in spring and summer for a reason. Not only are they much cooler than pants, it gives boys ideas. They imagine that the easier access means something.

* Don’t fall into the habit of wearing sweats and a t-shirt around the house. It can be cute but if it’s all he sees you in, he’s going to start looking at the Hooters girls a little too carefully.

* Never, ever talk badly about your man. Whatever fight you had, it’s between you two. Don’t tell your girlfriends, your boss, or God forbid, your mother.

* Don’t embarrass him in front of his friends. There’s a social order to everything and if you bitch at him in front of his friends, it emasculates him. Treat him like the prince he is, even if you’re seething with rage.

* Expect him to be kind, generous, loving, gentle and sweet, but don’t expect him to be happy about running your errands every day for a month. In other words, don’t take advantage of men’s naturally generous natures.

* Men don’t like complainers, especially if there is nothing to be done about it. Guys want to help, and if you give him a problem he can’t solve (ie, you have blisters and there’s no bandaids and you refuse to take off your shoes) it makes him feel like a failure.

* PMS is not an excuse to be mean to him. Don’t be short with him or be rude. Nicely tell him you feel bad and you’re much more likely to get what you need.

* Don’t dress like a hooker, unless he likes it.

* Work out. They like our bods for a reason. Give them lots of reasons.

* Don’t give up your life. He likes you because you’re interesting, so stay interesting. It’s tempting, especially in the early days of a new relationship, to blow off your friends and your other social obligations, but in the long run that could be disasterous. You need outside stimulation. Kiss him, tell him you’ll see him in a few hours, and leave.

* Seduce him. Often. He’ll feel awesome and that can only be good for both of you.

* Do not be a strident, anti-man voice screeching at him that he’s oppressing you. Men don’t like women who don’t like them. They also don’t like seeing their babies aborted but most of them are so terrified of the whole thing, they go along with it to keep you happy. Their fears are justified, but they need to stand up for themselves.

* Let him drive.

* Let him lead. Not all the time, but most of the time. Especially if it’s somebody you respect, whose life you admire.

* Expect the very best. More often than not, the guy will respond with exactly that.

Link

Well, interesting post boon mee, and I checked the website about what they want in a man too but, I have to say, I disagree with quite alot of their personal opinions.

Tastes differ, my husband does not want a wishy washy woman who needs him to do everything for her and has no opinions of her own, just as I don't want a man who is selfish and self centered. So, to each their own, I guess. Whatever makes you happy is what makes you happy, not necessarily everyone else

It's just a joke sbk. Lighten up

I was light. You haven't seen me serious

Thanks for reminding me why I live in Thailand

Agreed, I certainly prefer my Thai husband to some neanderthals who think the world revolves around themselves