kunash Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 This summer I am due to go to thailand with my wife, and children, so she can see her family. My wife moved to the uk last year. I did suggest to my wife that we could stay at her mum's house. Not a problem for me as I would only be there 2 weeks, then we would move on to a resort hotel for 10 days. my wife would prefer to stay at her mums. life would be a bit more hectic, with all the family popping around, but that is ok. It turns out that the (aussie) son in law, who built the mum's house as a sin sod gift, doesnt want me to stay, so we now cant stay there. he works in BKK but occasionally returns to the house. originally we were friends. he had a lot of advice for me at the beginning, he tried to tell me how to do things, and what to do, and how much to pay the in laws. he was paying them 12000 a month. 4k for each daughter. he wanted me to pay half (6k), but pay it to him, as he didnt trust my wife to give her mum the money. he said a few negative things about my wife, and talked down about her and the second sister. This I didnt like but I kept things friendly, as i am a nice chap, so i said i would just give my wife 5000 a month to give her mum. he wasnt happy with this, and said the family would look down on me for doing this. he said he wouldnt give me anymore advice and leave me to it. (i do believe he was giving them 12k a month, so i am not disputing that). This all happened during and after my first trip to thailand in 2010. when i returned to thailand i was friendly to him and invited him to the engagement, but he gave me the cold shoulder and didnt talk to me. i left him to it. i cant be bothered with behaviour like that, so i never talked to him again. he continued to send me emails and texts, over the next year, telling me how my actions and behaviour of my wife are adversley affecting his new family. i think maybe he wanted to be the only farang in the family. he liked his ''position'' within the family, and wanted to maintain his ''status''. i am not bothered and dont get involved in family politics, and nor does my wife. she cant stand him either. so i just leave him to it. i like the mum and dad but as he has done a lot for the family, which he has, they seem to do what he wishes, and wont go against what he says. while it was ''generous'' of him to build the mum and dad a house and bring them out of poverty, and also pay the mum and dad a very ''generous'' 12k a month for 3+years, i also believe at the same time that his actions set the bar very high, for any future farang marrying into the family. and this wasnt fair, as the mum and dad had high expectations, which i wasnt going to fulfill. the aussie son in law also suggested i pay the mum and day a 500k sin sod ( i gave them just 1baht in gold each ). the dad was an alcoholic, so any money i gave would probably kill him, through his drinking, plus my wife was divorced with 2 kids.. if they ever needed money for hospital treatment i would pay my share. i could go on and on about this aussie man, who wasnt very flattering about english people in thailand, but i wont So Now I am feeling a little hesitant about going to my wife's home town. though of course i will go with her. i feel that i wont be welcome at the home, and this makes me feel a little sad. i wouldnt want to be there if he turned up. he will want to see my wife's children i guess - who he likes. i dont have a problem him seeing them. i think i will be spending alot of the time by myself at the hotel which will be boring. i guess i can amuse myself at the local kfc, cinema and farang bar. so what would you do if you are told and know you are not welcome. ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boater Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 seems you are not only welcome by him !, just tell him to his face he is an idiot and move on... he is only probably trying to make himslef feel better all the money he has spent and you havent , he is probably feeling an idiot himself IE his wife saying cannot marry me if not give all this ect ect, and you have ! just stay near, visit a bit and have a great time when you are there ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post theblether Posted February 21, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Boil it down to the simple facts.......your saying that your brother-in-law is an a*shole and a control freak. Without getting involved in a petty family feud which could blow up to a vendetta I would let him know which days you would be visiting your parents in law and invite him to stay away on those days. I would top and tail the holiday, ie spend three days at the beginning and end with the parents in law, and spend the middle part suiting myself in Thailand. Just leave your wife with the parents in law and go on an excursion. The guy can then visit the kids. This guy may have done you a favour, as you can get some quality time to yourself, while fulfilling your obligation to visit. The first time you see the guy in private kick him squarely on the stones. Edited February 21, 2012 by theblether 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post justcruisin Posted February 21, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted February 21, 2012 You both are barking mad, the aussie paid for a new house and 12,000 a month and you paid 5,000. That would employ 34 people in the deep dark depths of issan per month. Not including the house. I have now been enlightened. Your generosity is outstanding. How can they live on less? 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattayadingo Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Presuming this is true..... Firstly, what I find odd is that he wanted you to give him 6K a month. Not for your wife to give it to her parents. He does not trust your wife? Bullsh*t. Seems to me he wanted that money to ease HIS financial burden while keeping his kudos with the family. Especially as there is no mention of the family getting an extra 6K per month. Secondly, I would visit. I would let your wife take the lead. She can smooth any troubled waters in her own way. Though I would not be staying as long as you intended initially, so as not to cause too many (if any) family upset. But be guided by your wife's reaction. Thirdly I would tell him to <deleted> off (But I am maybe more blunt than some in these matters). Who does he think he is? IMHO if he paid for the house and also gives 12K per month it is he who is the idiot. He does not rule this family but I can see them not wanting to upset this financial applecart. Best of with it all. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thaiIand Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 from what you wrote, the family won't want you as well if you dont pay up for your stay. Seems like everyone in there is shady.. Drunk father in law, Son-in-law sponsoring the family and girls, untrustworthy wife, poor family with 2 daughter married to farangs, englishman delusional about his compatriots in thailand, poor people with divorced kids with high expectation... an other thread that should of been posted in a pattaya expat forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post necronx99 Posted February 21, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted February 21, 2012 Pop in say hello on your way to a resort where you can relax and think nothing of it. You weren't going to spend all month discussing current events and philosophy with Pa were you? Nothing to miss there. Let the wife deal with family problems. No need for you to speak to the other guy at all, ever. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
makescents Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 It's possible that he feels that he's done all the hard work and you've entered the family in it's present state without having to contribute. I'd take advice from another farang with a pinch of salt. It's always the ones who haven't got a clue who want to tell you "how it is" here. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonto21 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 ‘Kunash’ if what you wrote is genuine, then this other guy is a dick, and you need to wake up and understand what’s going on…..The family will never be happy until they have everything. It never fails to amaze me how so many intelligent western men are sold this form of ‘Thai culture and tradition’……All sold by some offended Thai……..Funny……..You don’t see many of these lovely Thai traditions being extended to anyone outside the family, and no you or the BIL are not part of the family, never have been….never will be. You may well sit at the head of the table…..But you still fall in between the buffalo and dog when it comes to the pecking order. Do yourself a favor, stop listening to the BIL, (he’s a total knob) and all members of this family. If the BIL is giving 12k…..He is one dumb ass! You say;”that his actions set the bar very high”….For what, the amount of sin sod? Word fail me, Have you heard of the word...NO! In addition you also say; “my wife was divorced with 2 kids” and you talk about paying sin sod, Why? From your topic it shows you, IMHO, don’t really have any idea what you are up against interacting with a poor Thai family. If you think things are bad now…………..Hold tight….It going to get worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post pauljones Posted February 21, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted February 21, 2012 The family has no respect for that Aussi fool. Anybody giving away that kind of money is seen as stupid, not generous and caring........ Have some fun..... Prod the mother in law to have him build another house or two. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vtjforyou Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Lucky you! A chance to stay 2 weeks at the beach and avoid the greedy farmers... I would never see them and pay anything... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shot Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 The first time you see the guy in private kick him squarely on the stones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johna Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Your MIL said no to her daughter family staying with her for 2 weeks, she's afraid of loosing 12K per month? That says quite a lot about this family’s dynamics! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post SlyAnimal Posted February 22, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted February 22, 2012 I can understand his view He is supporting the family for 12k a month, which is quite a lot. But rather than you paying a seperate amount in addition to the 12k he's paying, he wanted you to ease his financial burden. As you're in the UK (And I assume working there), it's likely a significantly smaller portion of your salary than what it is his. So he'd be thinking that you're a stingey prick, even though the main thing which you objected to was giving the money to him, not to your MIL directly. You paid about right for Sin Sod, e.g. not much, just a token gesture (The gold should have gone to your wife not the parents tho right?). As being divorced with 2 kids, the Sin Sod has already been paid. But even though you're right, you should try to mend the fence if you can, best to not have problems within the family as it makes problems similar to what you have now. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ludditeman Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Let him pay the lot. He's a sucker. PS Not staying in the family home is a bonus, you should thank him for letting you off the hook. "Darling, I really wanted to stay with your family, but the bad guy just won't let us" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carib Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Invite the other son in law to the forum, and he will be sorted out, or the OP will be. On a more serious level, stand your ground always, be honest, speak your mind, and don't let all `the fun` be spoiled by things like this. It could just be a big misunderstanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattayaParent Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I can understand his view He is supporting the family for 12k a month, which is quite a lot. But rather than you paying a seperate amount in addition to the 12k he's paying, he wanted you to ease his financial burden. As you're in the UK (And I assume working there), it's likely a significantly smaller portion of your salary than what it is his. So he'd be thinking that you're a stingey prick, even though the main thing which you objected to was giving the money to him, not to your MIL directly. You paid about right for Sin Sod, e.g. not much, just a token gesture (The gold should have gone to your wife not the parents tho right?). As being divorced with 2 kids, the Sin Sod has already been paid. But even though you're right, you should try to mend the fence if you can, best to not have problems within the family as it makes problems similar to what you have now. If the OP had given the money to the BIL instead of the mother it would have looked like he is contributing nothing and the 'good' BIL would look even better. And who says the Farang in England earns more than the one working in Thailand? Did the Aussie BIL reduce his 12k payment by the 5k you are giving the mother Kunash? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinfoilhat Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 tell him to take a flying leap. if it has negative repercussions with the family you will have had valuable insight as to who they really are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sing_Sling Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 You're serious? while it was ''generous'' of him to build the mum and dad a house and bring them out of poverty, and also pay the mum and dad a very ''generous'' 12k a month for 3+years, i also believe at the same time that his actions set the bar very high, for any future farang marrying into the family. and this wasnt fair, as the mum and dad had high expectations, which i wasnt going to fulfill. Sorry, you seem to be a whingeing POM . . . instead of the muscle-bound ex-SAS legends giving you advice on how to kick the guy in the balls perhaps you should grow a pair instead. Or . . . how about this . . . discuss. Whichever way,it all sounds so very sad . . . Machiavellian brother in law, wife with two kids from previous life, alcoholic father in law, sick buffalo money . . . Is the Aussie the same age as you? The wives the same age discrepancy? His wife had kids? On the other hand - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
queanbeyan Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I'd probably tell him to stick it too! But I also agree with the post that questions why pay sin sod for a divorcee anyway. From my limited understanding sin sod was to compensate the family for raising the daughter and any loss of income that the family will suffer from her leaving them - similar to a bar fine in a way!! The divorcee and sin sod is just double dipping - they have already been paid - and in reality you are probably saving them money. I married a middle class educated thai woman - I paid for the wedding party and some small gifts - a new kitchen - but that was also to make my life easier when I stayed there - never any asking for regular payments or cash advances. If you marry into a family that is money hungry - you will be bled dry - if you marry into a genuine caring family that values their relationships more than the baht then you may feel inclined to help if needed - but not every month to support an old piss head without the baht for the booze. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sing_Sling Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 ^ Good post Canberra-Man. I find all this paying relatives thing quite pathetic, really - and people believing it is the norm . . . how do all these men find women from Isaan . . . a faraway province . . . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inthepink Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I think you know exactly how, and where, they find them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarpSpeed Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 It's possible that he feels that he's done all the hard work and you've entered the family in it's present state without having to contribute. Som nam na for him eh?? Timing is everything in life.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trainman34014 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I can understand his view He is supporting the family for 12k a month, which is quite a lot. But rather than you paying a seperate amount in addition to the 12k he's paying, he wanted you to ease his financial burden. As you're in the UK (And I assume working there), it's likely a significantly smaller portion of your salary than what it is his. So he'd be thinking that you're a stingey prick, even though the main thing which you objected to was giving the money to him, not to your MIL directly. You paid about right for Sin Sod, e.g. not much, just a token gesture (The gold should have gone to your wife not the parents tho right?). As being divorced with 2 kids, the Sin Sod has already been paid. But even though you're right, you should try to mend the fence if you can, best to not have problems within the family as it makes problems similar to what you have now. The only fence I would repair is the one I broke over this gits head. Family problems my arse; it's time to stand up and be counted as a British Bulldog instead of whinging about some 'Holier than thou' <deleted> who needs a lesson or two. Put up or shut up ! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transam Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 ^ Good post Canberra-Man. I find all this paying relatives thing quite pathetic, really - and people believing it is the norm . . . how do all these men find women from Isaan . . . a faraway province . . . Must agree, and those who are handing over bundles please don't think you are anymore respected for it. If you stop paying for some unforeseen reason you will be dropped like a stone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post NaMah Posted February 22, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted February 22, 2012 Kunash, Seems like you've asked a legitimate question about a family matter but are instead being judged for giving money to your in-laws. I don't think 5000 baht is a big deal. You're giving it to your wife for her to distribute as she pleases. Its just not a big issue. I'm not sure why people are freaking out about it but I wouldn't be troubled by them. I was married to a girl from Korat when I was very young and my wifes sister was married to a marine who was very unpleasant. He didn't like that I made decisions for myself and didn't like that I wouldn't enter into business ventures with him so he became downright nasty towards me and my wife. My response was to exhibit profound indifference towards him. I just behaved as though he didn't exist. I refused offers to join he and my sister in-law for dinner or any kind of outing etc. I was never unpleasant towards him, just... indifferent. Don't feel threatened by his position in the family. Just keep your wife happy such as is possible. Show her some fun and enjoy your time with her and don't be concerned even a little by family machinations outside of your household. You married her not them. The reason you supply some assistance to the in-laws is to keep your wife happy if you think about it. Happy wife = Happy life Na Mah 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kunash Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 hi, thanks for the replies. some answers: my wife actually spoke to her sister, who is married to the australian man, as she was staying at the family home. it was the sister who said her husband wouldnt like it, and it would be best if we didnt stay. not the mum. my wife isnt happy about it. if we did stay at the house i would of course had paid a generous amount of rent money and food. I am sure we will still give them an amount of money to tide them over. when i married my wife i paid no sin sod. there was no buddhist marriage ( due to BIL interfering ) but I decided to give 2 x 1 baht gold to the mum and dad as a present. i like the mum and dad. I jwould like to add the dad had a drinking problem. the BIL helped the dad by taking him to see the monks ( in some jungle ) - where they help people with addiction. the dad is now a recovering alcoholic. he hasnt drunk in maybe 6+ months my wife agreed with her mum, the amount of 5k to pay each month. i guess the other farang reduced what he was paying. i have no idea. i dont have a problem paying a small amount to the mum each month. i can afford it. it keeps them happy. some people may not agree with this paying the mum and dad thing. that is their opinion. as well as 5k a month, i have bought the dad a pair of reading glasses, a few shirts for mum and dad at big c, and paid about 2k for a medical bill once. (oh and the gift of 2 x 1 baht gold). i wouldnt call that '''money hungry parents'''. i believe the BIL earns at least 200k a month. he has a good job. he earns a lot more than me i dont like ''atmospheres'' so i think it would be a good idea to try and patch things up. but that wouldnt be to become friends with him, just to keep the ''peace'' in the family. in rely to - ''''how do all these men find women from Isaan . . . a faraway province . . . '''' @ sing_sling. not sure what you are inferring, but no. i am sorry to disappoint you. i didnt meet her in pattaya - i have never even been there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kunash Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Kunash, Seems like you've asked a legitimate question about a family matter but are instead being judged for giving money to your in-laws. I don't think 5000 baht is a big deal. You're giving it to your wife for her to distribute as she pleases. Its just not a big issue. I'm not sure why people are freaking out about it but I wouldn't be troubled by them. I was married to a girl from Korat when I was very young and my wifes sister was married to a marine who was very unpleasant. He didn't like that I made decisions for myself and didn't like that I wouldn't enter into business ventures with him so he became downright nasty towards me and my wife. My response was to exhibit profound indifference towards him. I just behaved as though he didn't exist. I refused offers to join he and my sister in-law for dinner or any kind of outing etc. I was never unpleasant towards him, just... indifferent. Don't feel threatened by his position in the family. Just keep your wife happy such as is possible. Show her some fun and enjoy your time with her and don't be concerned even a little by family machinations outside of your household. You married her not them. The reason you supply some assistance to the in-laws is to keep your wife happy if you think about it. Happy wife = Happy life Na Mah i agree. i realise that when you make a post on a public forum, you are opening yourself up for scrutiny, different opinions and criticism. If i cant deal with the ''negative'' replies i wouldnt post. i find some of the replies quite amusing. and thanks, my wife, and my two step children have a lovely life in the UK. the children are doing very well at school, and are learning english quickly. we are both very happy. Edited February 22, 2012 by kunash 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 A number of posts which given the benefit of the doubt were poor attempts at humour and the replies to them have been removed. Any more and holidays will be handed out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lannarebirth Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) You're serious? while it was ''generous'' of him to build the mum and dad a house and bring them out of poverty, and also pay the mum and dad a very ''generous'' 12k a month for 3+years, i also believe at the same time that his actions set the bar very high, for any future farang marrying into the family. and this wasnt fair, as the mum and dad had high expectations, which i wasnt going to fulfill. Sorry, you seem to be a whingeing POM . . . instead of the muscle-bound ex-SAS legends giving you advice on how to kick the guy in the balls perhaps you should grow a pair instead. Or . . . how about this . . . discuss. Whichever way,it all sounds so very sad . . . Machiavellian brother in law, wife with two kids from previous life, alcoholic father in law, sick buffalo money . . . Is the Aussie the same age as you? The wives the same age discrepancy? His wife had kids? On the other hand - Not helpful at best. Absolutely, totally wrong at worst. OP, I'd disregard this one. My advice, pay your respects to the family and stay a day or so, then leave. if your wife wants to leave with you , let her. If she doesn't , let her. Come back for a day or so at the end of your vaction and either pick up your wife for the last few days of your vacation, elsewhere, or drop her off after spending some time with her and let her know you'll be back in a day or so to collect her. Wish her a happy time with her family. Edited February 22, 2012 by lannarebirth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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