Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[maidu]

"garuna" (please)

note: even though it's usually one of the first 20 words a farang is taught, when trying to learn Thai, it seems rare in Thai conversation.

That's because it's a formal word that's used in announcements at airports / train stations etcetera and in official notices. It's rarely used in informal conversation. Instead, Thai speakers will start a sentence with "chuay" or put "noi" at the end (or both) when asking somebody to do something. When asking to use something or for you to give them something they will use "kor". "Garuna" would sound silly in informal conversation.

I appreciate you clearing that up. I honestly didn't know that nuance.

Thai pharmacist at hospital: "Ok, I know the doctor prescribed these seven packets of pills, but frankly, some are placebos and some aren't going to help your ailment. You'd do better to just buy the one set of pills you probably need, and save your money."

[inthepink]

Thai nurse at hospital: I'm sure you don't want to get on the scales and let everyone see what a fat bas**rd you are so let's skip that and we'll send you straight through to the doctor.

(This one might have an element of self reflection in it )

[brit1984]

Apologies if this one has been covered (difficult to keep track)...

Bargirl to customer:

"Love is enough: though the world be a-waning,

And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,

Though the skies be too dark for dim eyes to discover

The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,

Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,

And this day draw a veil over all deeds passed over,

Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter:

The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter

These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover."

[maidu]

Apologies if this one has been covered (difficult to keep track)...

Bargirl to customer:

"Love is enough: though the world be a-waning,

And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,

Though the skies be too dark for dim eyes to discover

The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,

Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,

And this day draw a veil over all deeds passed over,

Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter:

The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter

These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover."

you mean, instead of; "you wan be-ah?"

[mca]

Army Chief - Don't worry about a huge budget increase for us this year. Give it to an orphanage for HIV infected kids or the local blind school.

Webfact - <deleted> I'm bored digging up the news for you lot. Get off your lazy <deleted> and find it out for yourselves.

Suthep - Thank God for Thaksin. If it weren't for him the press would be after me for being the most corrupt bugger in politics.

Chalerm to an aide - Ooh look at you all stressed. You're so tense! Here, put your feet up and I'll go and brew us a nice cuppa and we'll watch "You've Got Mail" together.

[maidu]

Thai politician: "Sorry, I can't play a round of golf today, as I feel a duty to attend parliament, as that's what I was elected to do."

Thai husband to his mia noi: "Dear, I know you're younger, sexier and slimmer than my wife of many years, but I should no longer sneak off to hop in bed with you, as I feel an obligation to provide for her, and the childrens' needs."

Thai shop owner: "I should adjust the levels on this booming hi-fi, as it's too trebly and annoying sounding, with pops and hisses."

Thai sound man for a stage performance: "What do you mean the VU meters are all 'in the red' - is that a problem? All amps are meant to be turned up full blast."

Chalerm: "Alright, I'll admit it. Alcohol is a drug, and I drink loads of whiskey every day. But I still want to speedily execute those who do less harmful drugs - the types of drugs I don't do."

Chalerm: "Do as I do, not what I say, whoops, did I get that turned around?"

Chalerm: "You want an example of what a great disciplinarian I am? Just look at my three fine grown-up sons. Ha ha ha, just kidding."

Thai sing-along at a campground: "The karaoke machine is on the blink. Even though we have acoustic guitars, we can't sing any songs because we can't amplify the guitars or mic the singers. How did our ancestors sing songs before the invention of electricity?"

[mca]

"AND THAILAND HAVE QUALIFIED FOR THE WORLD CUP!!!!!!!!!!"

"As part of Tessaban 9 school's Thai History Fair, Kru Duan's Anuban 2 class will be re-enacting the Thammasart University Massacre"

" Due to lack of interest we're cancelling Khon Kaen Municipality's "Miss Sonkran Pageant" and replacing it with a "Tits Out For The Lads" competition."

School Director - " I'm not wearing this bloody uniform to Teacher's Day. I feel like Admiral Yamamoto"

[pauljones]

THAI DISC JOCKEY/BAND:

Let's lower the bass.

[pauljones]

School superintendent:

Perhaps I should stop stealing 35% of the budget and give our students a fair chance at a decent education.

[pauljones]

CP:

Of course I paid for my Boeing jets and take care of the maintenance out of my own pocket.

You don't think I would have the poor tax payers fund my extravagant lifestyle, do you?

[mca]

^ 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....

[maidu]

General Plodsrop to Captain Thammapeung: "If you want to get promoted to a higher rank, then your request will be considered in terms of your skills, knowledge and wisdom. No need to bribe me. Here, take your envelope back."

Judge to Thaksin: "Here's your box of donuts you had your aide give me. All the money's there. I'm going to report this attempt at bribing to authorities. And next time, try glazed instead of jelly donuts - they're less messy on my shorts."

[loong]

Thai woman - "It will be my time of the month soon, I must be prepared. Also will definitely not be wearing white jeans/shorts for a while"

[canuckamuck]

Chief of police. This year all the hiring was based on skill and integrity.

[autan]

Cars drive on the left in Thailand, moped drive anywhere.

[KeyserSoze01]

Any Thai person - I am sorry

Any Thai person - I don't know

Any Thai person - Thank you

Any Thai person - I was wrong

Any Thai person - let me think about that

Thai National Assembly - We must put aside our petty squabbling and do what is best for the people

Thai National Assembly - We have no idea how to prevent further flooding of the country

Korat Hospital Administrators - Of course I know who was behind the theft of 65 million cold capsules and I was paid to keep my mouth shut

[autan]

The bill for your food includes a service charge. Tips welcome.

[autan]

Hotel offers a discreet service. All overnight guests are required to show identification.

[autan]

We serve alcohol all day long from our shop to Thai People, foreigners can buy between 1-3, 4-6 and not after 11pm, depending on how we feel we reserve the right to change these times so we dont have to serve you any booze at all.

[autan]

Police Officer stops you for speeding.

Would you like a speeding ticket or would you prefer to push 200 baht near my fingers for coffee. I am thirsty.

[autan]

Fixed prices. The price of the baht bus is subject to how drunk you are.

[autan]

A sign on a brothel in Pattaya Soi 6 clearly states "No Running".

[autan]

All valuables to be stored in the Hotel Safe. For easy staff access.

[Payboy]

Restaurant chef in the toilet - Let me wash my hands before going back to the kitchen.

[maidu]

Thai National Assembly - We have no idea how to prevent further flooding of the country

"We know that the tens of billions of baht earmarked for flood prevention is mostly wasted money, but hey, it's cool if you're one of the well-connected businesses getting so much money so easily - with no-bid contracts."

"We know Bangkok is sinking, seas are rising, and flood prevention measures are just band-aid measures designed to make the dumb public thinking we're helping them. But contractors and petrol sellers (particularly for boats) are getting rich - You got a problem with that?"

Shinawatre clan: "Ok, we admit that, as one of the largest investors in housing developments in the Bangkok region, we're covering hundreds of sq.Km of watershed with concrete and asphalt. But hey, What's more important; a family making tons of money or the flooding of mid-Thailand?"

[autan]

Petrol Station in Chiang Mai. "Please drive only one car through to the pump at a time".

[autan]

Temple for meditation - Drivers please honk your horns when passing by.

[autan]

Anyone can stay in Thailand for life without a visa. Just get caught selling drugs and your visa wont be an issue.

[mackes]

Police Officer stops you for speeding.

Would you like a speeding ticket or would you prefer to push 200 baht near my fingers for coffee. I am thirsty.

This one I actually heard in Thailand with coffee replaced with "a drink"

[mackes]

Thai car driver: I can see that you overtaking a truck so I slow down behind you.