Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

[pipo1000]

I'm here for almost 2 decades and had 3 serious relationships,which all ended the way the OP describes his situation.I have still friendly contacts with all 3 lady's untill today,but I can assure you that there will not be a 4th relationship ever as I have learned the lesson.My last relationship lasted 6 years but ended 4 years ago.

For the past 3 years I have taken care for the son of my last partner, from which I'm officially not the father, but who was born during our relationship.

The boy who is now 8 years old,lived with me for the past 3 years and I paid a decent school for him as I love him to death and I wish he can have a good future.

Unfortunately the boy has some mental issues, which of course are not recognised by the mother.I have recently build a new house with the only purpose to give the boy a nice living environment.

Now here comes the Thai mentality back in play.As soon as the house was finished,the mother decided that she could take care of him better than me.You have to know that she stays 2 weeks a month abroad and that in the 2 weeks she's here she goes out till early morning at least 3 days a week.

So in fact she has probably the time to take care of her son for let's say 6 days a month.I know for a fact that she hasn't seen his current school once yet however he was enrolled 3 weeks ago.

What is the moral of this story, and of the OP's one also I guess, as long as you pay you are " accepted ",but when they feel that they can get something more out of you, in my case I spent a lot of money to make a good living for the boy who I love as my son but are now staying like a loner in that big house, they will make things difficult for you.

They know how to play your feelings as nobody else.

Thai mentality or gold digger mentality ?

How about,they are one and the same ?

[arthurwait]

Seemingly ignored, loh?

Well....try an old social trick.

Ignore them in kind....and see where that goes.

You'll be asked why, I'm sure.

Then point out the contradictions.

Thanks, doing that at the moment and its 10 days now. clothes are ready for work, so is lunch.

Ok, its her way of sayin "sorry" .... maybe ! But nothin beats the words. And she isnt gonna say them. I know her. We are together 10 years now. I feel very strongly about moving on. Please realise, the things I am trying to do are for her benefit and that of 'our' son. I will be fine, no matter the outcome.

I go to work with Thai people and am ignored. I don't need to come home to it also. Thanks for your input anyway. Regards.

In all the time I've spent in Thailand, I have never had anyone say "Thank You" or "Sorry" to me in any circumstance. So I can empathize with your situation.

It appears your wife has very little respect for you, which in my book is a deal breaker. Life is too short to tolerate such behavior and it only gets worse over time.

Nothing is forever, so perhaps it's time to move on and find happiness however you can.

I have plenty of times.

[norrona]

I would pack that bag and move out for a bit if I were you....she will probably say sorry but the thing is they can't keep the act up, I read this thread as an Englishman with Thai wife living and working in the U.K and married for just over 1 year...I have had to give the ultimatums and even see them through till she gets the point...not easy and it's not just cos she is Thai

[payak]

sounds like she just does not respect you

[transam]

I would pack that bag and move out for a bit if I were you....she will probably say sorry but the thing is they can't keep the act up, I read this thread as an Englishman with Thai wife living and working in the U.K and married for just over 1 year...I have had to give the ultimatums and even see them through till she gets the point...not easy and it's not just cos she is Thai

Must confess that the guys l know with a lady problem have no backbone, nooooo, thats the wrong phrase, they are gentlemen, that think their kindness will prevail, but, understanding a lady from a different culture is a nightmare, been there, still there , but all must read between the lines at all times and when in your mind things are not to good, then hit the roof.

[CiaranO]

OP............instead of coming on here and talking about this.........surely you should sit you wife down and tell her what you have been expressing to us....

[transam]

OP............instead of coming on here and talking about this.........surely you should sit you wife down and tell her what you have been expressing to us....

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, for those who have tried to understand stuff here after many years.............Easier said than done.

[Berkshire]

sounds like she just does not respect you

That was my first thought.

But to be fair, Quietman, did your wife respect you when you first got married? I would assume "yes," otherwise, you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

Therefore, what has happened these last 10 years to make her lose respect for you?

[nocturn]

Seemingly ignored, loh?

Well....try an old social trick.

Ignore them in kind....and see where that goes.

You'll be asked why, I'm sure.

Then point out the contradictions.

Thanks, doing that at the moment and its 10 days now. clothes are ready for work, so is lunch.

Ok, its her way of sayin "sorry" .... maybe ! But nothin beats the words. And she isnt gonna say them. I know her. We are together 10 years now. I feel very strongly about moving on. Please realise, the things I am trying to do are for her benefit and that of 'our' son. I will be fine, no matter the outcome.

I go to work with Thai people and am ignored. I don't need to come home to it also. Thanks for your input anyway. Regards.

Your predicament would likely drive me out the door as well. Id give it a final shot, explain it once again in painstaking detail and if it continues, hit the road.

it honestly sounds tome like she is feeling pretty entitled to everything she has. i would most certainly rattle her cage.

Of course if you are married she is entitled to half of everything you have acheived since the wedding, so think it out.

[Berkshire]

I would pack that bag and move out for a bit if I were you....she will probably say sorry but the thing is they can't keep the act up, I read this thread as an Englishman with Thai wife living and working in the U.K and married for just over 1 year...I have had to give the ultimatums and even see them through till she gets the point...not easy and it's not just cos she is Thai

Must confess that the guys l know with a lady problem have no backbone, nooooo, thats the wrong phrase, they are gentlemen, that think their kindness will prevail, but, understanding a lady from a different culture is a nightmare, been there, still there , but all must read between the lines at all times and when in your mind things are not to good, then hit the roof.

I really believe this to be a misconception. Even in the west, there is a fine line between being a nice guy, and being a wuss. Women hate wusses. Women would rather be with a total prick than a wuss. Sad to say, farangs in Thailand tend to be wusses. The result will be the same here as it would be in the west. Women will walk all over you like a cheap rug.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

> A simple "I'm sorry" would suffice

They generally don't do that.

> I feel it will be time to move out soon.

Quite likely that's what she's shooting for, may feel she's reached the point of diminishing returns.

At least do lay your cards on the table, let her know it's serious and you won't be back.

Don't expect to get back any value on the things in her name.

I'm so sorry for your troubles and hope they turn around.

[transam]

sounds like she just does not respect you

That was my first thought.

But to be fair, Quietman, did your wife respect you when you first got married? I would assume "yes," otherwise, you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

Therefore, what has happened these last 10 years to make her lose respect for you?

If she was penniless when they met, then all will be OK THEN,

BUT, then the ''l am a hi-so'' now stuff kicks in and OP is financing it. He needs to show toughness and tell her she will be penniless IF stuff goes wrong. Hmmmmm, near penniless.

[nocturn]

Quietman, I am extremely sad to hear this, and feel your anguish!

May I ask who would take care of your wife and son in your absence? Has she any idea of your input into the family life, or is it taken for granted?

I think very much for granted. Its like the same old thing you hear on here, provide the money and shut the f@@k up. never thought it would happen to me.

i love reading this phrase. have enjoyed using in my own posts from time to time.

perhaps your bubble has burst. perhaps.

[transam]

Quietman, I am extremely sad to hear this, and feel your anguish!

May I ask who would take care of your wife and son in your absence? Has she any idea of your input into the family life, or is it taken for granted?

I think very much for granted. Its like the same old thing you hear on here, provide the money and shut the f@@k up. never thought it would happen to me.

i love reading this phrase. have enjoyed using in my own posts from time to time.

perhaps your bubble has burst. perhaps.

Well, seen it many times. Stuff l can't believe cos ladies can't see beyond the next day. Could tell stories BUT not appropriate on this topic.

[Berkshire]

sounds like she just does not respect you

That was my first thought.

But to be fair, Quietman, did your wife respect you when you first got married? I would assume "yes," otherwise, you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

Therefore, what has happened these last 10 years to make her lose respect for you?

If she was penniless when they met, then all will be OK THEN,

BUT, then the ''l am a hi-so'' now stuff kicks in and OP is financing it. He needs to show toughness and tell her she will be penniless IF stuff goes wrong. Hmmmmm, near penniless.

It depends on their relationship. It's a lot easier to act nice after you've been a prick, then to try and be a prick after you've been nice. Hard to explain, but it's a human nature thing. If she's used to "wearing the pants in the house," it'll be difficult to reverse roles. I feel for the OP.

[poanoi]

In this thread we have been discussing the topic of being ignored,

importantly we have also been discussing what it takes to get back attention,

so read and note

[pipo1000]

As I said before, I am trying to make plans for her son. I am not being selfish. I worry for him.

But still........... I am ignored.

You are ignored because your plans of the paper trees don't deliver a profit right away.It takes too long to cash in on them.

Same as in my situation,they know that when I'm gonne the house will be for the boy as that is what I told them already, but that takes too long for them.They are looking now to pressure me to register it in the boys name right away in exchange of having the right to take care of his future any further.

You probably know that the parent has all rights over the childs possessions until he reach the legal age.I prefer to enjoy my property a bit longer,independently of the love I carry for the child,and which I know is mutual.

Edited June 1, 2012 by pipo1000

[cdnmatt]

Leave a small note, and go on vacation for a week. Give her some time to think about it.

[farang000999]

Many Thais have no backbone at all. It might be hard to believe but maybe your wife just has no courage or ability to tell these people what to do. I would ask her if it is Ok if you ask them. Then just tell them the land needs to be cleared or you will not have the planting corn again. If your wife still refuses then maybe it is time to move on.

[MrRealDeal]

No your not alone but if it makes you feel better you will find the same thing from the North Pole to the South Pole .... it's not a Thai thing is a woman thing. Do you pay much attention to her when you think she is wrong ? Probabbly not

[smokie36]

For some..."sorry" really is an impossibility.

I pity such people. Mostly.

[Beetlejuice]

How you have described your wife and the situation is my wife and situation exactly and I know of many more like us.

Over the years I’ve just learned to accept the situation for what it is, because there are only two alternatives, either lump it or leave as nothing will change and there is no chance of her becoming a fully supportive, caring, sharing charmer over night, or forever in fact, it`s just not going to happen.

The best way to deal with it is do what I do and that is to just do your own thing and let the wife dwell in her own little world in her own way. But strangely our relationship does work and we are both quite happy in our own ways.

Many years back in the dark ages, I had hopes of marrying a girl, with intelligence, ambition, hopes and of strong character, but somehow I ended up with the opposite. It could be that at first they come across as being so cute, lovely, and vulnerable, than later once you are left with having to take most of the responsibility for everything and do all the thinking, the cute, lovely and vulnerable transpires into a heap of frustration. Yes, I know how you feel, but it`s not so bad.

I have an idea; perhaps we should trade places for a month just to see if we are better off or worse off than anyone else?

Edited June 1, 2012 by Beetlejuice

[damo]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, I can understand to a point what you are experiencing. I do however feel that there is more to everything than is in the OP. I don't know yourselves personally but often in Thai - Farangs partnerships where this sort of issue develops you can find a Thai girl stuck in the middle between the money and the hungry cun_ts. She may not be entirely to blame. Do you speak Thai? is she getting hassled to do things by relatives without you being aware.

My wife used to get hassled (correction, my wife used to hassle me alot) but she didn't want anything really, it was everyone else, we loved each other deeply but the trouble with Thai's is they try to become all things to all people, at the cost of their love life. Unfortunatly this may be where your at.

Your direction now is to come to odds with her and her family then is all done over.

[simple1]

It seems to me that your wife has made some form of committment that you're not aware of. Alternatively It could also be that your wife has asked for the land to be cleared & the request has been refused and she doesn't want to tell you, thereby ignoring you. So why don't you just go-ahead and use a contractor to clear the 9 rai to get the land ready for planting. Sometimes taking an action will actually resolve the issue you are facing, or at the very least bring matters to a head one way or the other.

[edwinclapham]

No your not alone but if it makes you feel better you will find the same thing from the North Pole to the South Pole .... it's not a Thai thing is a woman thing. Do you pay much attention to her when you think she is wrong ? Probabbly not

Thats actually rather a ridiculous broad generalisation to make! Its like saying all men are pri**ks

Edited June 1, 2012 by edwinclapham

[mca]

If her brother speaks, it is done. When I speak, nothing is done or it takes forever asking to get it done.

I have read a book once called money number one,and the writer explained the order of respect used with Thai families.

It went something like mother-father,brother-sister,grandma-grandpa,uncles-aunts,nieces and nephwes,the neighbout,the garbage man,the beggar in the street,the family dog and the farang.

Edit : I forgot that the flees of the family came right after the dog.

. I've read that one. I think the actual title was "Money Number One In The Particular Pond Life Thai Family I Was Woefully Ignorant Enough To Get Involved With And Who Anybody With The Common Sense And Observational Abilities Above That Of The Average Plank Of Wood Would Have Spotted On Day One But I Haven't Had Such Mind Blowing Sex Before With The Daughter Of The Family Who I Met Shaking What Her Momma Gave Her In A Bar But Rather Than Admit My Own Astounding Lack Of Judgement Because I'm Thick As Shit I'll Write A Book About It Trying To Sound As If I've Got My Finger On The Pulse Regarding Thai Relationships. P.S. Did I Already Mention I'm Thick As Shit?"

[92302]

I would pack that bag and move out for a bit if I were you....she will probably say sorry but the thing is they can't keep the act up, I read this thread as an Englishman with Thai wife living and working in the U.K and married for just over 1 year...I have had to give the ultimatums and even see them through till she gets the point...not easy and it's not just cos she is Thai

Must confess that the guys l know with a lady problem have no backbone, nooooo, thats the wrong phrase, they are gentlemen, that think their kindness will prevail, but, understanding a lady from a different culture is a nightmare, been there, still there , but all must read between the lines at all times and when in your mind things are not to good, then hit the roof.

I really believe this to be a misconception. Even in the west, there is a fine line between being a nice guy, and being a wuss. Women hate wusses. Women would rather be with a total prick than a wuss. Sad to say, farangs in Thailand tend to be wusses. The result will be the same here as it would be in the west. Women will walk all over you like a cheap rug.

Yup and if one comes across as a loyal dog ie will come panting back as soon as she claps her hands she will never want you, time to move on and have no contact.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Over the years I’ve just learned to accept the situation for what it is, because there are only two alternatives, either lump it or leave as nothing will change and there is no chance of her becoming a fully supportive, caring, sharing charmer over night, or forever in fact, it`s just not going to happen. The best way to deal with it is do what I do and that is to just do your own thing and let the wife dwell in her own little world in her own way. But strangely our relationship does work and we are both quite happy in our own ways.

And IMO this could include developing a more rewarding relationship on the side. Of course, if you really care for her as a person you'll let her know first.

But actually better to just cut the cord and bail if you can.

Let her do what she likes with her property, if she ends up losing it all to gambling or just making poor business decisions it's her problem not yours, she's the one who wears the consequences.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, I can understand to a point what you are experiencing. I do however feel that there is more to everything than is in the OP. I don't know yourselves personally but often in Thai - Farangs partnerships where this sort of issue develops you can find a Thai girl stuck in the middle between the money and the hungry cun_ts. She may not be entirely to blame. Do you speak Thai? is she getting hassled to do things by relatives without you being aware.

In a traditional Thai marriage, when a girl marries she is leaving her family and most of her obligations to them (other than eg periodic ceremonies and sending money) and becoming part of the husband's family, often subservient to the husband's mother.

Our ignorance of this arrangement is one of the things TG like about marrying farang, but IMO capitalizing on it is essential to connubial bliss.

Never every live anywhere near her relatives, I'd say at least an 8-hour trip away; and limit her contact with them to phone conversations and occasional visits home, with or without you as you prefer. And of course some of them will occasionally visit your home for a few days, be a gracious host, feed them well etc but give short shrift to anyone seeking handouts.

Anything else IMO is a recipe for disaster 95% of the time.

She should be welcome to support their demands as she likes, out of her individual allowance/property - which of course you need to take into account in granting if she is dependent on you financially, figure 30% or so of her allowance will go out that way. However such demands are not ever to be tolerated to the extent they put a strain on **your** family unit, if you very regularly let her know she has to choose between you and her family right from the beginning she should be used to making the correct decisions by the time the honeymoon period between you is over and the usual troubles start to arise. Of course if she starts putting her family ahead of your relationship it's time to let her know you're on the way out, she's free to make her choices of course, but you owe it to her to let her know their consequences.

[Rsquared]

I also feel for the OP as I had similar feelings/thoughts before I left my farang wife.

Once you have planted the seed of "I feel it's time to get out", you'll find that it germinates very quickly and grows stronger with every little situation that arises.

Unfortunately it's the little voice inside your head that is telling you this....and as we all know...that little voice is usually always right.

It's a tough choice to make, but once you do cut and run you feel like you have been having your head held underwater all this time and then you break free and get your first breath of wonderful fresh air.

Good Luck.

[damo]

Pattaya has lots of fresh air............