Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

And if the relationship is that important, maybe even worth giving up on - mentally "walking away" from the financial investments made so far.

Full disclosure and open communication that no further "investments" will be forthcoming.

But give it your all from a psychological/emotional/spiritual/friendship POV.

If you see she cares only for the former and nothing about the latter then your path is clear, don't invest further time, life is short, most relationships have their beginning middle and end, that's life.

[farang000999]

Any attempts from her to extort more money from you - including family emergencies, even sister or papa going to die etc - met with simple no's, beyond reasonable tactics (short-term pouting, tantrums witholding services etc), be ready to let her know in no uncertain terms you're ready to cut her loose and walk away. This is most important in the early phases to establish the ground rules and healthy patterns.

So farang should be strong patriarchal leaders and when your wife's mother has a medical emergency you should tell her that you are sorry but her mother is going to die because it is your money?

[samsiam]

Any attempts from her to extort more money from you - including family emergencies, even sister or papa going to die etc - met with simple no's, beyond reasonable tactics (short-term pouting, tantrums witholding services etc), be ready to let her know in no uncertain terms you're ready to cut her loose and walk away. This is most important in the early phases to establish the ground rules and healthy patterns.

So farang should be strong patriarchal leaders and when your wife's mother has a medical emergency you should tell her that you are sorry but her mother is going to die because it is your money?

now you're learning.

[kwonitoy]

Thing is I have never heard of a small plot of gum trees paying for a kids college fees.

9 rai........... 600 trees........... average of 3000 per tree at 6 years old...... total 180,000 baht.

that will easily cover uni fees and other expenses.

These are not rubber trees. please take the time to know what the hell you are talking about before you start hittin the keys.

take care.

You should check the Farming in Thailand Forum about growing eucalyptus ( is that what you thinking of planting?)

If so you're expected pay back in 6 years is a tad high, Euca goes for about 700-800 baht per ton for large diameter trees, one tree does not equal a ton by a long shot.

I do have some experience in this as I cleared 34 rai of ecua and profited exactly bugger all after paying for labour, trucking, food, ice, tools, transportation for labour, etc etc.

I admire your concern for trying to plan ahead for your son's education and can understand your frustration with the wife, but going head to head and trying common sense in this country is a short cut to a heart attack, won't do a bit of good once her mind in made up.

Good luck

[BigJohnnyBKK]

So farang should be strong patriarchal leaders and when your wife's mother has a medical emergency you should tell her that you are sorry but her mother is going to die because it is your money?

If I could afford to help more, without endangering the welfare of my own nuclear family unit maybe I would. But the fact is there is an unlimited amount of need an poverty out there, where do you draw the line?

Depends on to what extent she's really one of my "wives" or maybe less significant of an other. How long we've been together. How well she's been contributing to the happiness of me and my kids. And how my finances are at the moment. When my time comes I doubt she'd be in a position to help me, or even if she would may not be willing to.

In my case at the moment I couldn't actually afford to contribute more than a few thousand baht. Personally I wouldn't spend more than a few hundred thousand (assuming I had it) for heroic medical care to extend my own life.

People die, just a part of life.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

If so you're expected pay back in 6 years is a tad high, Euca goes for about 700-800 baht per ton for large diameter trees, one tree does not equal a ton by a long shot.

I do have some experience in this as I cleared 34 rai of ecua and profited exactly bugger all after paying for labour, trucking, food, ice, tools, transportation for labour, etc etc.

I admire your concern for trying to plan ahead for your son's education and can understand your frustration with the wife, but going head to head and trying common sense in this country is a short cut to a heart attack, won't do a bit of good once her mind in made up.

Not to mention the fact that as alien species they don't contribute to the local ecosystem and are somewhat poisonous to the soil for anything else to grow on that land. Nasty stuff AFAIC.

[473geo]

Jezus, some crazy people around here maybe you guys all married old fashioned girls. I am not bragging and my gf / wife is not Thai Chinese. But she listens to what i say before anything her om or step dad say. She puts the money that she makes in our family not theirs and has no strange attitude like that.

Maybe its a generation thing or a location thing. But some of her friends (not all) are the same. But the shit that you come below the family dog and accept it is just plain crazy. Anyone who can accept something like that must have a serious masochistic streak and no self confidence.

I am pretty sure what you say does happen but i think its more a farm girl / outback kinda thing. Then why take a girl like that. (unless of course its the only thing you can get)

Thing is robblok one size does not fit all. I take it you are not currently bringing up children, a case where the support of the family makes life a whole lot easier, a little consideration for their thinking can prove a real investment. My mother in law is great with the children, so too all my relatives in Thailand, I would quite simpy not see any of them suffer unecessarily if I carried the funding to put in a fix.

For myself, my wife and I are working for the same goals, I trust her intelligence and judgement, do not find the need to criticise, but rather to encourage and build confidence, maybe I am just lucky. One thing I have learnt is that being 'pushy' does not work in my environment. I suggested the family raise a couple of pigs, cannot too smelly and dirty, ok fair point, 18 months later I arrive to see two half grown pigs. I suggested putting 500 fish in one of the ponds, no good somebody take, fair point again, recently I arrived, one pond is significantly enlarged, for fish? no idea, no comment, if they work it out fine. My methodology is quietly planting the idea.....after that my input is not required, my family will move things forward in their own time, and I will play with the children enjoying the company of my wife

Edited June 3, 2012 by 473geo

[Bobsufc]

Hi I'm really sorry for your situation but it seems to me you have always been a meal ticket. You got together with her when she had a very young child. You were her way of providing for her son. I gather you don't own a house with her so move out. hange your phone number, email and job. That way you wont have to put up with the histrionics that Thai girls put on.

There are plenty of good Thai girls out there just got to look harder. Your older and wiser now. What ever you do do put up with being disrespected.

[robblok]

Jezus, some crazy people around here maybe you guys all married old fashioned girls. I am not bragging and my gf / wife is not Thai Chinese. But she listens to what i say before anything her om or step dad say. She puts the money that she makes in our family not theirs and has no strange attitude like that.

Maybe its a generation thing or a location thing. But some of her friends (not all) are the same. But the shit that you come below the family dog and accept it is just plain crazy. Anyone who can accept something like that must have a serious masochistic streak and no self confidence.

I am pretty sure what you say does happen but i think its more a farm girl / outback kinda thing. Then why take a girl like that. (unless of course its the only thing you can get)

Thing is robblok one size does not fit all. I take it you are not currently bringing up children, a case where the support of the family makes life a whole lot easier, a little consideration for their thinking can prove a real investment. My mother in law is great with the children, so too all my relatives in Thailand, I would quite simpy not see any of them suffer unecessarily if I carried the funding to put in a fix.

For myself, my wife and I are working for the same goals, I trust her intelligence and judgement, do not find the need to criticise, but rather to encourage and build confidence, maybe I am just lucky. One thing I have learnt is that being 'pushy' does not work in my environment. I suggested the family raise a couple of pigs, cannot too smelly and dirty, ok fair point, 18 months later I arrive to see two half grown pigs. I suggested putting 500 fish in one of the ponds, no good somebody take, fair point again, recently I arrived, one pond is significantly enlarged, for fish? no idea, no comment, if they work it out fine. My methodology is quietly planting the idea.....after that my input is not required, my family will move things forward in their own time, and I will play with the children enjoying the company of my wife

True there is not one size fit all. But if there is no respect i'm gone. If your only good for bringing in money and that is it.... Do you want to live like that ? I would not.

However if you have kids with your wife then yes id try my best to solve things first.

Don't you live with your wife ? Or are you talking about relatives not taking your advice ? If the latter up to them as long as your not supporting them.

I have found that you need to be pushy at times else nothing gets done. Other times its not needed. Like you said no one size fits all. But i know for a fact the wife is working for us not for the family.

I have one other remark the family was surviving before the farang came around why is it that now he is constantly asked for money and help. How did they solve it before, or maybe the request then were not important enough and now they see an easy money tree.

[billd766]

I have no idea where you liove quietman but where I live out in the country a guy planted some trees a few years ago on about 10 rai and just let them grow.

He had Chanote on the land and when he harvested the trees this year he sold them for 1,000,000 baht.

They were teak trees and he had all the necessary permits etc. The plot was by the roadside and nobody stole any of them.

It is a thought that you may want to fly past your wife. Maintenance was minimal and the rewards were good BUT as I said he was 100% legal.

[MILT]

Lets not forget we are only getting one side of the story here. There is no way for us to know what is really going on. The OP probably already knows what he is going to do and simply wants backup and support, which he seems to be getting.

I have no demands. I never make them. Consideration is what I ask, just a little.

I dont have a mia noi, I work hard. I pay the mortgage,phone bill, internet, pickup, electric, school bus, water bill and school bus. If the house needs something I do it myself. I look after the garden, paint the fence and whatever else.

In return, a little consideration............... maybe ?

Why not go out and start clearing the land yourself? Since you are a hands on person who is paying for everything.

By taking this first step you will be clearing the in- pass you are feeling at the moment and most likely there will be some sort of dialogue.

You at least won't be ignored and will be able to have a discussion about the future.

[samsiam]

More like they will all have a discussion and good giggle while he is clearing the land.

[TomTao]

Lets not forget we are only getting one side of the story here. There is no way for us to know what is really going on. The OP probably already knows what he is going to do and simply wants backup and support, which he seems to be getting.

I have no demands. I never make them. Consideration is what I ask, just a little.

I dont have a mia noi, I work hard. I pay the mortgage,phone bill, internet, pickup, electric, school bus, water bill and school bus. If the house needs something I do it myself. I look after the garden, paint the fence and whatever else.

In return, a little consideration............... maybe ?

Why not go out and start clearing the land yourself? Since you are a hands on person who is paying for everything.

By taking this first step you will be clearing the in- pass you are feeling at the moment and most likely there will be some sort of dialogue.

You at least won't be ignored and will be able to have a discussion about the future.

Don't forget to apply for a work permit, I remember seeing on another thread a while ago about a person who was clearing some dead wood for his mother inlaw and was asked if he had a work permit by the local BiB.

Sent from my GT-I9003 using Thaivisa Connect App

[pauljones]

Lets not forget we are only getting one side of the story here. There is no way for us to know what is really going on. The OP probably already knows what he is going to do and simply wants backup and support, which he seems to be getting.

I have no demands. I never make them. Consideration is what I ask, just a little.

I dont have a mia noi, I work hard. I pay the mortgage,phone bill, internet, pickup, electric, school bus, water bill and school bus. If the house needs something I do it myself. I look after the garden, paint the fence and whatever else.

In return, a little consideration............... maybe ?

Why not go out and start clearing the land yourself? Since you are a hands on person who is paying for everything.

By taking this first step you will be clearing the in- pass you are feeling at the moment and most likely there will be some sort of dialogue.

You at least won't be ignored and will be able to have a discussion about the future.

What about those shameless people that made a commitment to clear it? Would they tolerate it if the situation were reversed?

[473geo]

Jezus, some crazy people around here maybe you guys all married old fashioned girls. I am not bragging and my gf / wife is not Thai Chinese. But she listens to what i say before anything her om or step dad say. She puts the money that she makes in our family not theirs and has no strange attitude like that.

Maybe its a generation thing or a location thing. But some of her friends (not all) are the same. But the shit that you come below the family dog and accept it is just plain crazy. Anyone who can accept something like that must have a serious masochistic streak and no self confidence.

I am pretty sure what you say does happen but i think its more a farm girl / outback kinda thing. Then why take a girl like that. (unless of course its the only thing you can get)

Thing is robblok one size does not fit all. I take it you are not currently bringing up children, a case where the support of the family makes life a whole lot easier, a little consideration for their thinking can prove a real investment. My mother in law is great with the children, so too all my relatives in Thailand, I would quite simpy not see any of them suffer unecessarily if I carried the funding to put in a fix.

For myself, my wife and I are working for the same goals, I trust her intelligence and judgement, do not find the need to criticise, but rather to encourage and build confidence, maybe I am just lucky. One thing I have learnt is that being 'pushy' does not work in my environment. I suggested the family raise a couple of pigs, cannot too smelly and dirty, ok fair point, 18 months later I arrive to see two half grown pigs. I suggested putting 500 fish in one of the ponds, no good somebody take, fair point again, recently I arrived, one pond is significantly enlarged, for fish? no idea, no comment, if they work it out fine. My methodology is quietly planting the idea.....after that my input is not required, my family will move things forward in their own time, and I will play with the children enjoying the company of my wife

True there is not one size fit all. But if there is no respect i'm gone. If your only good for bringing in money and that is it.... Do you want to live like that ? I would not.

However if you have kids with your wife then yes id try my best to solve things first.

Don't you live with your wife ? Or are you talking about relatives not taking your advice ? If the latter up to them as long as your not supporting them.

I have found that you need to be pushy at times else nothing gets done. Other times its not needed. Like you said no one size fits all. But i know for a fact the wife is working for us not for the family.

I have one other remark the family was surviving before the farang came around why is it that now he is constantly asked for money and help. How did they solve it before, or maybe the request then were not important enough and now they see an easy money tree.

Firstly, yes I drift in and out of Thailand as I am not yet retired......and being at the height of my earning capacity it would be a little foolish to run to Thailand when things are running just fine. Sure I miss my family, but modern day communication keeps us in touch and the time I do spend in Thailand is fantastic....much to the alarm of many of the long term residents on Tvisa who appear to think I should not be allowed to carry this view...........as I say one size does not fit all

Respect?......an example, I asked my mother in law if she would put up four members of my family when they visited, due to a change of plan they arrived very late evening a day prior to their hotel booking......bless her she did, no objection....without any prompt at all from me she also installed an additional sit down Euro style toilet and shower room

Oh and the meals were prepared by the family and my wife........they cooked an excellent meal for 20 people and the charge for their work...well what do you think?

Let me give you one more example......my wife asked me what we should feed our guests.....my response "They will enjoy your cooking darling the same as you cook for me, for desert how about an array of your wonderful Thai fruit" Guess what no more required from me, my wife was praised to the rafters for the meal she prepared...and rightly so......

Pushy...gets things done faster?.......as I say not in my world.....but then I have always been capable of giving credit where credit is due.....my mother in law was widowed young, left with 4 very young children, she has brought up a lovely family........respect? she deserves it by the bucket load.....me I easily earn respect by accepting I am proud to be part of her family.....and I will support and contribute to the family unit as the other members do....it is easy for me because I have the added bonus of having been brought up in a large family, living and working from an early age on a farm.....been there before you see....that is how I know it is not all about money, because robblok my Thai family are proud. The last thing they would want is that every step forward is viewed as funded by a farang, and not as is the case...by their family unity and hard work

You see robblok how my current experience differs from your generalisations, I don't expect the entrenched posters on Thaivisa to change their stereotyping on the basis of a couple of paragraphs above but perhaps a little more thought before you throw out your offensive 'money tree' comments......unless you have the balls to relate your experience that brought you to this conclusion

[TommoPhysicist]

First you need to learn the difference between the words OURS, HERS, MINE (yours).

The land is hers

The child is hers

Until you understand this you will never get on.

My wife can do whatever she likes with 'her land' and 'her children', but if I don't like what she is doing with 'her stuff' I no longer input 'my money' into the household. The other day 'her mother' said, 'I don't like you behaving like that', to which my answer is, 'you can return to your house whenever you like'. We rarely have any disputes about 'her stuff' or 'her family'.

You married her 'for better or worse', did you really have a Christian wedding, I think not.

Who is this 'brother' hanging around? I don't let any other guys hang around my wife, fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins ........ *&%$ off.

PS

You don't have any friends and your wife ignores you ......... time to move on, that is no way for a man to live.

Edited June 3, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[robblok]

Jezus, some crazy people around here maybe you guys all married old fashioned girls. I am not bragging and my gf / wife is not Thai Chinese. But she listens to what i say before anything her om or step dad say. She puts the money that she makes in our family not theirs and has no strange attitude like that.

Maybe its a generation thing or a location thing. But some of her friends (not all) are the same. But the shit that you come below the family dog and accept it is just plain crazy. Anyone who can accept something like that must have a serious masochistic streak and no self confidence.

I am pretty sure what you say does happen but i think its more a farm girl / outback kinda thing. Then why take a girl like that. (unless of course its the only thing you can get)

Thing is robblok one size does not fit all. I take it you are not currently bringing up children, a case where the support of the family makes life a whole lot easier, a little consideration for their thinking can prove a real investment. My mother in law is great with the children, so too all my relatives in Thailand, I would quite simpy not see any of them suffer unecessarily if I carried the funding to put in a fix.

For myself, my wife and I are working for the same goals, I trust her intelligence and judgement, do not find the need to criticise, but rather to encourage and build confidence, maybe I am just lucky. One thing I have learnt is that being 'pushy' does not work in my environment. I suggested the family raise a couple of pigs, cannot too smelly and dirty, ok fair point, 18 months later I arrive to see two half grown pigs. I suggested putting 500 fish in one of the ponds, no good somebody take, fair point again, recently I arrived, one pond is significantly enlarged, for fish? no idea, no comment, if they work it out fine. My methodology is quietly planting the idea.....after that my input is not required, my family will move things forward in their own time, and I will play with the children enjoying the company of my wife

True there is not one size fit all. But if there is no respect i'm gone. If your only good for bringing in money and that is it.... Do you want to live like that ? I would not.

However if you have kids with your wife then yes id try my best to solve things first.

Don't you live with your wife ? Or are you talking about relatives not taking your advice ? If the latter up to them as long as your not supporting them.

I have found that you need to be pushy at times else nothing gets done. Other times its not needed. Like you said no one size fits all. But i know for a fact the wife is working for us not for the family.

I have one other remark the family was surviving before the farang came around why is it that now he is constantly asked for money and help. How did they solve it before, or maybe the request then were not important enough and now they see an easy money tree.

Firstly, yes I drift in and out of Thailand as I am not yet retired......and being at the height of my earning capacity it would be a little foolish to run to Thailand when things are running just fine. Sure I miss my family, but modern day communication keeps us in touch and the time I do spend in Thailand is fantastic....much to the alarm of many of the long term residents on Tvisa who appear to think I should not be allowed to carry this view...........as I say one size does not fit all

Respect?......an example, I asked my mother in law if she would put up four members of my family when they visited, due to a change of plan they arrived very late evening a day prior to their hotel booking......bless her she did, no objection....without any prompt at all from me she also installed an additional sit down Euro style toilet and shower room

Oh and the meals were prepared by the family and my wife........they cooked an excellent meal for 20 people and the charge for their work...well what do you think?

Let me give you one more example......my wife asked me what we should feed our guests.....my response "They will enjoy your cooking darling the same as you cook for me, for desert how about an array of your wonderful Thai fruit" Guess what no more required from me, my wife was praised to the rafters for the meal she prepared...and rightly so......

Pushy...gets things done faster?.......as I say not in my world.....but then I have always been capable of giving credit where credit is due.....my mother in law was widowed young, left with 4 very young children, she has brought up a lovely family........respect? she deserves it by the bucket load.....me I easily earn respect by accepting I am proud to be part of her family.....and I will support and contribute to the family unit as the other members do....it is easy for me because I have the added bonus of having been brought up in a large family, living and working from an early age on a farm.....been there before you see....that is how I know it is not all about money, because robblok my Thai family are proud. The last thing they would want is that every step forward is viewed as funded by a farang, and not as is the case...by their family unity and hard work

You see robblok how my current experience differs from your generalisations, I don't expect the entrenched posters on Thaivisa to change their stereotyping on the basis of a couple of paragraphs above but perhaps a little more thought before you throw out your offensive 'money tree' comments......unless you have the balls to relate your experience that brought you to this conclusion

First of the money tree was not aimed at you at all. It was a general thing, i have seen the moment a farang enters the picture demands are made that previous were not made. My view of this is simple I don't give out money unless i know its needed (no b.s. reasons).

Pushing seems to work for me in some situations not all told you before depends on the situation. I am not going to push her parents anywhere as they are not part of my family and i am not supporting them. I have no say in what they do. (nor want I to have a say). I am pushy with my wife at times to get her to do things she rather not does. If those things are important to me and need be done and i can't do them myself.

Your hospitality thing is for me a normal thing where i come from. My parents would have done the same and so would I. If you came to me tonight and asked me if you could crash at my place id let (provided i know you ect).

You said your drifting in and out of Thailand, then of course you can't keep tabs on everything and neither should you it would drive you mad. I live here and i live with my wife not with her family. Different situation. Most things I do myself but some things just need to be handled by my wife because i cant read Thai or speak it enough to be clear in some things.

If anyone does anything good i credit them if anyone does anything bad i tell them. I am Dutch we are blunt.

The respect thing is simple goes both ways, but i could not live with someone who would not appreciate me or my knowledge and ignores me. If i am wrong in my thinking on a subject then she can give me the facts why i am wrong and ill amend my opinion if needed. But being ignored is bad my book.

I have related my experience a few times already. Basically my Thai ex wife pulled the wool over my eyes and abused me verbally / stole money / had other lovers (while in Holland). I vowed never ever to let something like that happen to me. Only reason i did not kick her out right then and there were her kids that i helped raising. I felt sorry for those.

I am a firm believer in relations where you don't buy your love. That you need to be loved for who you are and how you are and not for the amount of money you give. Once you start on that path its the path to hell.

Early on int he relation with my current (and hopefully last) wife some demands for money were made and crazy scrams were thought up. I refused wife stood by me and it showed me that she loved me and wanted to contribute to our unit. Not her parents. If guys constantly pay everything for the parents of the GF they are basically buying her. (this is not so black and white) But of course you can do some things for the parents like making sure they have a health insurance or fixing a leaking roof. Different those are necessities, not like buy a new car house ect for them.

[FOODLOVER]

Many have a problem pronouncing the "R"'s.

[travelmann]

So farang should be strong patriarchal leaders and when your wife's mother has a medical emergency you should tell her that you are sorry but her mother is going to die because it is your money?

If I could afford to help more, without endangering the welfare of my own nuclear family unit maybe I would. But the fact is there is an unlimited amount of need an poverty out there, where do you draw the line?

Depends on to what extent she's really one of my "wives" or maybe less significant of an other. How long we've been together. How well she's been contributing to the happiness of me and my kids. And how my finances are at the moment. When my time comes I doubt she'd be in a position to help me, or even if she would may not be willing to.

In my case at the moment I couldn't actually afford to contribute more than a few thousand baht. Personally I wouldn't spend more than a few hundred thousand (assuming I had it) for heroic medical care to extend my own life.

People die, just a part of life.

I disagree about the poverty, what there is is an awful lot of bone idle layabouts unwilling to work who will claim " we are poor"

[473geo]

@robblok

Didn't want to repeat a rather long list of posts

Thanks for your detailed response, it conveys to me that your view is a little more flexible and rounded than the first impression your "blunt Dutch' approach occasionally suggests. Your posts, if I may say so, tend to err on the side of your initial Thai experience, yet your recent reply explains that you have been patient and taken the time to explain 'how things are' to your current girl, better still she accepts your reasoning. You have seen two contrasting styles of Thai female, to me the second version is nearer to the normal everyday Thai. You have reset, and control, her level of expectation, in many relationships I expect this is useful knowledge and a good example for all.

I have experienced the hospitality in the Netherlands did a project there a few years ago, I don't doubt if I knew you I would experience the same, however my timing appears to coincide with North Bangkok Regatta these days so you are safe, I generally bounce through Bangkok trying to avoid wet feet!!!

I have to agree to be ignored would be rather soul destroying, but I really have to wonder how one arrives at that situation, perhaps following on from your "things were ok before farang" comment, then maybe the farang must be more aware of where their input and assistance is required.......perhaps the Thai view is that on the majority of topics the only use for the farang is financial assistance.....and well...... as they appear to really want to be involved......just a thought

[Baerboxer]

The truth is lots of guys have normal happy relationships with their Thai wife's. What you discribe seems to be neither normal or happy,

You feel its time to move on because.... Its time to move on.

They must be the ones who just know the Thai word for "yes"!!

[transam]

The truth is lots of guys have normal happy relationships with their Thai wife's. What you discribe seems to be neither normal or happy,

You feel its time to move on because.... Its time to move on.

They must be the ones who just know the Thai word for "yes"!!

You've been there eh, oooop's, still there.

[hopdafru]

For some..."sorry" really is an impossibility.

I pity such people. Mostly.

I'm struggling to understand why people think the lady in question has to say sorry for using land she owns in anyway she wants, without being forced into another use simply because a farang voluntarily decided to support her and her son.

The way I read it , it was because the "farang, as you put it) has some foresight and would like to make provisions for their son's university fees in 7 years time!

Quite commendable in my books!

yes, this is the one and only reason. Rather prepare now for his future, she will expect me to shell out the money in 7 years time. I have told her numerous times that I must have 400,000 baht in the bank in order to stay here. It doesnt seem to register with her at all. Many thais are not aware of the hoops we must jump through just to stay here.

I bought her the ground and as such it is both our ground. Not legally I know but decisions on its use should be up to both of us as a unit. All I want to do is to use it to generate funds for the sons university. What is wrong with that ? If it comes to it, I will walk away from everything. I dont care if half the house is legally mine, I dont want it.

I know a couple guys being walked all over by their wife because they want to do the right thing for their couple/family/child. although I understand the commend-ability of it, it saddens me to see them suffer on a daily basis and quite frankly it gets boring after a while (eg the wife sold the car to buy a smaller one and kept the change / took a loan against the house etc...)

I think maintaining mutual respect is really important and if it means taking off for a while as suggested in a previous thread it might provide the necessary 'jolt'. Maintaining the status quo leads nowhere nor does fear of loss. Just my 2 kip as I also occasionally find myself in these particular cross cultural situations involving wife and her family (I live with both). The 'minute' I get moved around I make sure I apply whatever correction is needed (it might take a day or two for me to figure it all out ;-) I try do do so with jokes when possible and without overreacting though being firm), this has worked well so far (3+ years).

One guy I know is in a similar situation (more desperate it seems), but loves his son dearly and for this 'one and only reason' takes a daily dose of crap in his face, has been like this for years and very difficult to change. I don't know your particular situation but it would be interesting to see if a change of behavior in relationship to your wife/family on your part could help you attain your objectives. It might take some time though depending on how many years of 'bad habbits'... could be worth it, or not, that's up to you.

Good luck!

PS: re.the money it's yours not hers and we are almost always seen as richer no matter what, so thai/lao/XYZ wives don't register... of course!

[473geo]

The truth is lots of guys have normal happy relationships with their Thai wife's. What you discribe seems to be neither normal or happy,

You feel its time to move on because.... Its time to move on.

They must be the ones who just know the Thai word for "yes"!!

Actually more likely to be the ones that learnt the word for no too!!

[hopdafru]

Ten years is a long time to have invested in a relationship thequietman. If you love your wife still and want to be with her, ten years is too long a time to just walk away without giving it 100% effort.

Even if you don't agree with some of the posters point of view in this thread, or perhaps the way some of the posters express their point of view, the underlying sentiments of a few of them hold true.

Setting boundaries.

Respect in your relationship.

Communication with your partner.

From your past posts I believe you might be a fairly mild mannered type of guy, maybe not very assertive and who likes to avoid confrontation where necessary? I apologise If I have misread things.

It seems like you really need to push the boundaries. Why would you walk away unless you have really had the issue out with her? The land might be in her name but the circumstances where you funded the land and fund her lifestyle should entitle you to have equal say in what happens on the land. Forget about all the face thing and put yourself first. Not your wife, or her son, or the village etcetera, just yourself.

If your wife cant or wont respect your wishes and things don't work out then then the old addage about plenty of fish in the sea holds true.

I hope it works out okay for you.

Bookman, great respectful analysis!

Sokh Dee

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Thanks, doing that at the moment and its 10 days now. clothes are ready for work, so is lunch.

Ok, its her way of sayin "sorry" .... maybe ! But nothin beats the words. And she isnt gonna say them. I know her. We are together 10 years now. I feel very strongly about moving on. Please realise, the things I am trying to do are for her benefit and that of 'our' son. I will be fine, no matter the outcome.

I go to work with Thai people and am ignored. I don't need to come home to it also. Thanks for your input anyway. Regards.

You won't get the words, doesn't necessarily mean no respect, IMO it's just not done here, full stop.

But once you've truly decided to move on, do it fast and do it clean.

Hmm, have you googled "the Alpha Male" ?

You say: Good Morning.

And she doesnt answer. (Using some old tactics of power fighting, unspoken).

If she does not answer would your normal way of continuing be: I grab her by the arm/hair and ask again?

Many people accuse me of being an abusive misogynist, and by western PC standards I may well be.

However violence is never justified except when truly necessary to defend yourself from attack.

Even if you realize that your woman actually expects - or even seems to want - a "good slap to keep her in line", never

And certainly not for simply not answering a "good morning". If you need to use such tactics just to get basic civility from your partner the relationship was long past worth being salvaged long ago, better to just walk away.

I hope what goes around comes around in your case sooner rather than later. . .

[nocturn]

What this thread has revealed to me is how many unhappily married men there are on Thaivisa.

Baffling. Truly baffling.

i would have thought that would come as no surprise.

[TommoPhysicist]

What this thread has revealed to me is how many unhappily married men there are on Thaivisa.

Baffling. Truly baffling.

i would have thought that would come as no surprise.

I suspect there are more unhappy married men, than happy married men, worldwide.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Im not so sure. I have never been shy to give the wife or child a good clout upside the head. Fear and respect are so essentially similar that ill take either in a pinch.

i also find a bit of a slap keeps the maid honest as well

Well not me, much rather get a new wife or maid than use violence, if they know I'm willing to replace them that will usually be sufficient to keep their respect. But no bluffing of course.

I will spank my kids once in a blue moon for being willfully naughty, reset the boundary back, but never to the face or head and in fact not so hard it actually hurts. My 5-year-old son's had one smack in the past six months - ironically for slapping his little sister when wrangling over toys, but she hasn't required any in over a year.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I suspect there are more unhappy married men, than happy married men, worldwide.

Women too.

Most people would rather suffer with the devil they know than push through their fear and step outside their comfort zone.

If the culture didn't program monogamy so strongly I think long-term marriages could be a lot more likely to support happiness.