Duck Jokes ... Add Yours

[Ron19]

I've got the best Duck joke but l am not telling.

Come on give us a gander. Edited August 20, 2012 by Ron19

[transam]

I've got the best Duck joke but l am not telling.

Come on give us a gander.

Nooooooo, you'll think I'm Quackers.

[StreetCowboy]

Like sex ... most things are a variation on a popular theme ...

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have sour grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, sour or sweet, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve <deleted>' sour grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any sour grapes?"

....

c ... foreplay is sometimes much appreciated.

So I says to the barman, I says "Do you have any sour grapes then"

And he looked qute put out.

He said "I'm sick of telling people; if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. No, we don't have any sour grapes, there's no demand for them round here"

[warfie]

Like sex ... most things are a variation on a popular theme ...

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have sour grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, sour or sweet, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve <deleted>' sour grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any sour grapes?"

....

c ... foreplay is sometimes much appreciated.

So I says to the barman, I says "Do you have any sour grapes then"

And he looked qute put out.

He said "I'm sick of telling people; if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. No, we don't have any sour grapes, there's no demand for them round here"

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times! Don't exaggerate!

[kevjohn]

I did post this in another topic http://www.thaivisa....00#entry5575071 but it really fits in well here.

One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South Wales and Victoria shooting ducks.

He was having a really good day, he'd already bagged 6 or 7 ducks when a park ranger came up to him.

"Do you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore mate." said the ranger.

"I shot these ducks in New South Wales!" Bill replied swiftly.

The ranger then said, "That's irrelevant. Just throw me one of the ducks as I'm an expert and I'll be

able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales."

Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and threw him the first duck.

The ranger then proceeded to part the ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight up the ducks rear end.

He then sniffed his finger and called back, "That one is ok, its from New South Wales, send me the second one."

Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purely out of interest.

The ranger did the same routine again, and when he sniffed his finger, he called back,

"This duck is from Victoria, I'm going to have to report you."

"You're kidding aren't you mate" said Bill "You can't possibly tell from that!"

"Trust me, I'm an expert" calls the ranger "Now, what was your name?"

"Bill Smith"

"And where are you from Bill?"

"Richmond"

"Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?"

Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and called back

"You're the expert, you tell me!"

Edited August 20, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

Like sex ... most things are a variation on a popular theme ...

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have sour grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, sour or sweet, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve <deleted>' sour grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any sour grapes?"

....

c ... foreplay is sometimes much appreciated.

So I says to the barman, I says "Do you have any sour grapes then"

And he looked qute put out.

He said "I'm sick of telling people; if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. No, we don't have any sour grapes, there's no demand for them round here"

[nongsung]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you

don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the

duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What

are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the

duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn

more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from

his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,

bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to

him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck

that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer,

eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business

card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying

really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in

caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in

the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....

" What the hell would they want with a plasterer???.

[StreetCowboy]

So I was out driving in the countryside a few years back. My car was suffering from a flooded engine, after suffering a mishap fording a narrow stream. I was peering under the bonnet, trying to figure out how to restore the engine to life, and this duck came

"It's the carburetor, mate"

"Helpmaboab! A talking duck" and quite taken aback, I ran all the way to the nearest pub to restore my spirits and sanity with - well, with strong spirits.

I explained what I had happened to the barman.

"Forget all about it," he recommended. "Just go back, get your car towed way and forget all about it"

"But the duck! It spoke! 'it's the carburetor' he said. A talking duck'"

"Just forget it. That duck knows eff-all about cars, its a plasterer"

[StreetCowboy]

There was this amazing band, with a duck playing piano, a horse on the drums and a dog singing. Well, we signed them up to the circus straightaway, but before their first night, they disappeared. I found their agent in a local hostelry, drowning his sorrows.

I can't do it," he told me; "I can't defraud the public. That dog can't sing - the duck's a ventriloquist"

[warfie]

This belongs on the Worst Joke thread, but it's a duck joke too so I'll contribute to this thread.

Two ducks are crossing the road and a car appears over a hill, bearing down on them.

first duck goes "quack quack!"

second duck says "I'm going as quack as I can!"

[warfie]

You guys quack me up!

[scottishjohn]

Why did the duck lay white eggs with brown spots; She says she did it for a lark!

[David48]

Speaking of Ducks ...

I liked the wings on his helmet.

[scottishjohn]

Was he Goosed for ducking any driving laws?

Speaking of Ducks ...

I liked the wings on his helmet.

[overherebc]

Guy walks into a bar. Duck under one arm bicuit tin under the other. Orders a beer and puts the duck and biscuit tin on the bar.

After a few minutes someone asks, whats with the tin and duck ?

Dancing duck he says

After a while ends up taking bets that his duck can dance.

Picks the duck up puts it on the biscuit tin and it starts tap dancing. Wins all the bets pockets the money and the duck is still dancing non-stop.

Eventually someone asks, when does it ever stop ?

When the candles go out he replies.

[Teddy1]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says "We have no corn, get out of here." So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any corn! Get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?" The duck then says, "Good. Can I have some corn?

[krisb]

How do you make a duck go woof?

Dip it in petrol and put a match to it.

How do you make a duck go meow?

Put it in a freezer and cut it through a band saw.

Sorry for my sick joke attempts.

(No ducks were harmed in the making of these jokes)disclaimer.

[Exsexyman]

A duck was standing at the side of a busy road waiting to cross. A chicken came running up to it and said, " Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the f***ing last of it".

[Teddy1]

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" and the duck says "get this guy off my butt!"

The same duck walks into the pharmacy and says "I need some chap stick. Put it on my bill."

Edited September 17, 2013 by Teddy1