How Do Your In -Laws Treat You

[maprao]

I don't have a problem with my MIL, but my BIL and SIL, nephews are another thing.

My wife said she was upset with her sister because she complained that I wasn't giving them money.

I have spent hundreds of hours working to make the SIL's house and surrounds better, upgraded the electrics etc, but have yet to receive a single word of thanks. I'd have done the work for us anyway, as we live there, but it's the lack of gratitude that hurts. A simple khop khun doesn't cost anything.

I wish the BIL wouldn't talk to me, as I don't understand him, or visa versa, and he always insists on chatting to me endlessly. Very awkward and pointless.

The nephews are typical spoiled brats, and totally inconsiderate.

Luckily, we only have the "pleasure" of their company briefly and rarely.

However, my wife has a strong commitment to her family, and I dread the day that something catastrophic happens, as my wife will ask me for money to give them, and I will not, so I don't know what effect that will have on our marriage.

I don't understand the posters that say they feel obliged to give the family money. Would they feel the same way about relatives by marriage back home, particularly if they didn't get on?

Unfortunately it will end in sadness been there done it. I stupidly caved in because I love my wife. Had I shown here the door she would have slammed it in my face!

Remember her family comes way above you in the pecking order, especially her parents it is an eastern thing. I accepted this long ago although I am slowly putting a strangle hold on it the older I get!

Edited October 26, 2012 by maprao

[BigJohnnyBKK]

If she could support the retarded brother before she married the foreigner, why couldn't she support him after. Or by marrying a foreigner are you saying she must she give up her occupation ? She has her own independent source of income by which she can support her brother. But you are comparing apples with oranges.

Why in the world should he suppoort people who don't accept him? At least the retarded brother has a valid excuse for not being able to show any respect. If the parents do not have the common decency to recognize the foreigner for what he is - the husband of their daughter - and treat him accordingly, they deserve diddly squat and that is what they should get. And, if the daughter had any balls (not TV jokes please) she would stand up to her parents and express disgust at their behaviour and have nothing to do with them either.

For the girls I'm hooking up with, they aren't in a position to support themselves decently, forget about fulfilling their obligations to their family members. In fact she is often marrying the farang specifically in order to be in a better position to support the parents. 90% of the time it's just about money, and if you are lucky enough to be in the 10% then more power to you, but come back in ten years and let us know if maybe you were just kidding yourself.

And I'm not talking about me supporting her parents. The obligation is between her and her parents.

And maybe the retarded brother example is extreme and unfair, but most of the time these people do have exactly that kind of excuse.

But I don't care about what kind of "payback" or "gratitude" or "respect" they "should" be showing me, I'm simply supporting my partner, giving her a fair amount to support herself, and respecting the fact that she has the right to spend that money however she sees fit.

Keep in mind we're talking about an amount far less than many people spend on takeaway coffee at Starbucks in a month back home.

Remember her family comes way above you in the pecking order, especially her parents it is an eastern thing.

Sad but 99% of the time very true.

[GarryP]

BJBKK, no problems. To be honest I know where you are coming from. Though I dare not be so blunt as you to say what the source of the income of the new wife was before becoming a couple. I understand what you are talking about .You seem to be referring do a certain demographic, whereas I was being more general. I personally would not allow my wife to work for 7K a month, in a 7-11 or office, or shop, when I am earning considerably more and not even breaking a sweat. And, as a result I too would take on her obligations, no matter how distasteful. But then all I give is joss sticks as they are dead. Is the OP in the same position. I think not. Like you I am not interested in payback. Pay and get it over with, is, I assume, the common sentiment. Much like an injection up the bum.

[The Smithy]

You folks with in-laws keep harping on about how they talk to you, albeit a little, recognize you as their daughters' husbands, use sign language, etc. and as part and parcel of this you help them out. This is a totally different scenario to the OP. The OP's inlaws ignore him, act as if he did not exisit, and have nothing to do with him. They clearly do not like or even respect him, and probably hate the fact that their daughter married a foreigner (face?). If you say in all fairness that you would still fork over dosh, because - after all - they are the wife's parents, you are nuts.

So I'm nuts. Suppose you marry a girl with a retarded brother who needed full-time care. Before you married her you were fully aware of the fact that she feels obligated to send home a certain amount of her income in order to help support him.

Would you require him act appropriately according to your "normal" standards in order to allow her to fulfill her obligations?

Can you even imagine a thread like this if it was a man married to a western wife?

The number of farangs that buy into the whole "it's Thailand so I have to buy them a house, car and support the entire family financially" boggles me.

By all means do so if you want to, but please stop trying to say that it's compulsory for all farangs to do so. It's not.

The question of getting scammed is 100% I agree a question of scale.

I completely agree that cars and houses is looney tunes, unless that's a tiny fraction of your assets and of no serious consequence to your immediate nuclear family unit's long-term security, see it as a gift or donation to charity or part of the bride-price whatever, in that situation I don't think it's any of my business as to what some rich guy wants to do with his money.

What I'm talking about is a proportional fraction of the amount I give to my partner(s) for discretionary spending money, which she has they authority to give or withhold as she sees fit.

Say I make USD $2000 a month total income. I give my partner $400 a month for her to spend on clothes, tech gadgets whatever, and if she chooses to send them $100-200 of it every month, that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm not saying anything is "mandatory", but IMO if you don't take her culturally-programmed obligations into account - and therefore only give her say $250 altogether, there will most likely be problems as a result.

It's a very rare honest girl who doesn't have such obligations, if she doesn't express the need to fulfill them as part of our "deal" negotiations, that (to me) is a red flag that she may well be the kind of immoral person I wouldn't want as part of my household.

I'm really not having a go at you here but why on earth would you want to be with someone that you have to pay for sleeping with you,I just don't get it?

Why would you give 20% of your income to your partner?I'm sorry but that IS NOT love and you're better off without her,what's wrong with her getting off her lazy ass and working for a living?

[The Smithy]

I'm not looking to get into a fight over this, but why can't she go get a job and use that money to support her parents? If she can't get a decent job, support her to go to school and get the qualifications to get a decent paying job. That's what would happen in the west. Why is it different because it's Thailand?

Almost everything else about life is different here, and I assume you accept that or you must be beating your head against a wall all the time.

Why would you make a fuss about that one thing, as long as you are aware of it, take it into account it's no big deal.

I am very pleasantly surprised when one of my gorgeous uneducated rice farmer's daughters turns out to be not only intelligent and ambitious, but actually as career-minded as a Western woman as well! Doesn't happen very often though.

You can't have everything, so I make sure to set my priorities in alignment with my preferences in choosing who to take into my household.

And from a practical POV, if she had to go out and slave away 70+ hours a week to make a pittance why the heck would she be with me?

Have you ever heard of something called 'Love',obviously not?

Good grief!

[The Smithy]

You folks with in-laws keep harping on about how they talk to you, albeit a little, recognize you as their daughters' husbands, use sign language, etc. and as part and parcel of this you help them out. This is a totally different scenario to the OP. The OP's inlaws ignore him, act as if he did not exisit, and have nothing to do with him. They clearly do not like or even respect him, and probably hate the fact that their daughter married a foreigner (face?). If you say in all fairness that you would still fork over dosh, because - after all - they are the wife's parents, you are nuts.

So I'm nuts. Suppose you marry a girl with a retarded brother who needed full-time care. Before you married her you were fully aware of the fact that she feels obligated to send home a certain amount of her income in order to help support him.

Would you require him act appropriately according to your "normal" standards in order to allow her to fulfill her obligations?

Can you even imagine a thread like this if it was a man married to a western wife?

The number of farangs that buy into the whole "it's Thailand so I have to buy them a house, car and support the entire family financially" boggles me.

By all means do so if you want to, but please stop trying to say that it's compulsory for all farangs to do so. It's not.

The question of getting scammed is 100% I agree a question of scale.

I completely agree that cars and houses is looney tunes, unless that's a tiny fraction of your assets and of no serious consequence to your immediate nuclear family unit's long-term security, see it as a gift or donation to charity or part of the bride-price whatever, in that situation I don't think it's any of my business as to what some rich guy wants to do with his money.

What I'm talking about is a proportional fraction of the amount I give to my partner(s) for discretionary spending money, which she has they authority to give or withhold as she sees fit.

Say I make USD $2000 a month total income. I give my partner $400 a month for her to spend on clothes, tech gadgets whatever, and if she chooses to send them $100-200 of it every month, that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm not saying anything is "mandatory", but IMO if you don't take her culturally-programmed obligations into account - and therefore only give her say $250 altogether, there will most likely be problems as a result.

It's a very rare honest girl who doesn't have such obligations, if she doesn't express the need to fulfill them as part of our "deal" negotiations, that (to me) is a red flag that she may well be the kind of immoral person I wouldn't want as part of my household.

If she could support the retarded brother before she married the foreigner, why couldn't she support him after. Or by marrying a foreigner are you saying she must she give up her occupation ? She has her own independent source of income by which she can support her brother. But you are comparing apples with oranges.

Why in the world should he suppoort people who don't accept him? At least the retarded brother has a valid excuse for not being able to show any respect. If the parents do not have the common decency to recognize the foreigner for what he is - the husband of their daughter - and treat him accordingly, they deserve diddly squat and that is what they should get. And, if the daughter had any balls (not TV jokes please) she would stand up to her parents and express disgust at their behaviour and have nothing to do with them either.

I absolutely agree with you 100%!

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I'm really not having a go at you here but why on earth would you want to be with someone that you have to pay for sleeping with you,I just don't get it?

Why would you give 20% of your income to your partner?

No problem and happy to answer your questions.

I am old, fat, bald and poor.

I want to have very frequent and long sexual play sessions with beautiful young enthusiastic athletic girls.

Like at least ten times a week, usually over two hours per session.

If you have a better way for me to accomplish this at lower cost, please speak up.

I'm sorry but that IS NOT love and you're better off without her,what's wrong with her getting off her lazy ass and working for a living?

They do have to work very hard for "their living" with me, beyond the workout session, most of their time is spent studying and learning. Time much better spent than cashiering at 7-11, waitressing or pumping gas for 7000 a month and then not being available when I want and being too tired to perform anyway.

Regarding so-called "love", I completely realize that most of my relationships are 100% transactional, but that does not as a starting basis exclude the possibility of *real* love developing (admittedly only in some small percentage of cases) over time.

And if you're talking about "love" as with "in love", while I certainly enjoy it as much as the next fellow, I attach little importance to that biological/chemically-driven emotional state designed by the evolutionary process to ensure continuation of the human species, and definitely no longer base any important life decisions on its urges.

Regarding what I consider true love, the money I give is in fact a small and unimportant fraction of what I put into my relationships in exchange for the services rendered, and in every case the girl ends up with better future prospects for a comfortable/successful/happy life when she leaves me compared to when she first arrived. And in most cases I am able to expand their definition of success and happiness beyond short term money, and we remain in friendly contact well after she has departed for greener pastures with my blessings.

To each his own, live and let live.

Edited October 27, 2012 by BigJohnnyBKK

[thaibeachlovers]

I'm not looking to get into a fight over this, but why can't she go get a job and use that money to support her parents? If she can't get a decent job, support her to go to school and get the qualifications to get a decent paying job. That's what would happen in the west. Why is it different because it's Thailand?

Almost everything else about life is different here, and I assume you accept that or you must be beating your head against a wall all the time.

Why would you make a fuss about that one thing, as long as you are aware of it, take it into account it's no big deal.

I am very pleasantly surprised when one of my gorgeous uneducated rice farmer's daughters turns out to be not only intelligent and ambitious, but actually as career-minded as a Western woman as well! Doesn't happen very often though.

You can't have everything, so I make sure to set my priorities in alignment with my preferences in choosing who to take into my household.

And from a practical POV, if she had to go out and slave away 70+ hours a week to make a pittance why the heck would she be with me?

Have you ever heard of something called 'Love',obviously not?

Good grief!

I know that my wife loves me BECAUSE she goes out and works 6 days a week, and doesn't ask me for money. I do pay all household expenses and food though, as she only earns 7,000 a month, but she takes care of her personal expenses on that.

It's not like back home where my ex earned as much as I did, and we split everything 50/ 50.

I wouldn't want to always be wondering if my wife would leave me if the money stopped coming to fund her shopping/ leisure lifestyle.

[thaibeachlovers]

You folks with in-laws keep harping on about how they talk to you, albeit a little, recognize you as their daughters' husbands, use sign language, etc. and as part and parcel of this you help them out. This is a totally different scenario to the OP. The OP's inlaws ignore him, act as if he did not exisit, and have nothing to do with him. They clearly do not like or even respect him, and probably hate the fact that their daughter married a foreigner (face?). If you say in all fairness that you would still fork over dosh, because - after all - they are the wife's parents, you are nuts.

So I'm nuts. Suppose you marry a girl with a retarded brother who needed full-time care. Before you married her you were fully aware of the fact that she feels obligated to send home a certain amount of her income in order to help support him.

Would you require him act appropriately according to your "normal" standards in order to allow her to fulfill her obligations?

Can you even imagine a thread like this if it was a man married to a western wife?

The number of farangs that buy into the whole "it's Thailand so I have to buy them a house, car and support the entire family financially" boggles me.

By all means do so if you want to, but please stop trying to say that it's compulsory for all farangs to do so. It's not.

The question of getting scammed is 100% I agree a question of scale.

I completely agree that cars and houses is looney tunes, unless that's a tiny fraction of your assets and of no serious consequence to your immediate nuclear family unit's long-term security, see it as a gift or donation to charity or part of the bride-price whatever, in that situation I don't think it's any of my business as to what some rich guy wants to do with his money.

What I'm talking about is a proportional fraction of the amount I give to my partner(s) for discretionary spending money, which she has they authority to give or withhold as she sees fit.

Say I make USD $2000 a month total income. I give my partner $400 a month for her to spend on clothes, tech gadgets whatever, and if she chooses to send them $100-200 of it every month, that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm not saying anything is "mandatory", but IMO if you don't take her culturally-programmed obligations into account - and therefore only give her say $250 altogether, there will most likely be problems as a result.

It's a very rare honest girl who doesn't have such obligations, if she doesn't express the need to fulfill them as part of our "deal" negotiations, that (to me) is a red flag that she may well be the kind of immoral person I wouldn't want as part of my household.

I'm really not having a go at you here but why on earth would you want to be with someone that you have to pay for sleeping with you,I just don't get it?

Why would you give 20% of your income to your partner?I'm sorry but that IS NOT love and you're better off without her,what's wrong with her getting off her lazy ass and working for a living?

Hmmmm. I can understand it. Unless one really wants to be in love, sex is a pretty good substitute.

One has to understand though, that money can buy anything except real emotional commitment, and should not expect any in a financial relationship.

I think the problem many expats have is that they "pay" their wives to stay with them by buying houses, cars etc, and then are surprised when the wife turns out to not be "in love" with them.

[robblok]

One has to understand though, that money can buy anything except real emotional commitment, and should not expect any in a financial relationship.

I think the problem many expats have is that they "pay" their wives to stay with them by buying houses, cars etc, and then are surprised when the wife turns out to not be "in love" with them.

That is the whole point, guy comes here. Girls think he got money. Guy loves the girls and attention. Now thinks he is a stud and its not about his money. But he keeps giving money or part of income. Best case scenario wive starts to love him, normal scenario wife stays with him for the money, worst case scenario he gets killed for his money or scammed out of it.

Relations that are build on money often never evolve to love. The moment the money runs out or the guy needs help.......

Smart guys realize its the money and make sure they don't loose too much. Nothing wrong with a money based relation, as long as you take precautions and don't fall in love. Because it could turn out real bad.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I wouldn't want to always be wondering if my wife would leave me if the money stopped coming to fund her shopping/ leisure lifestyle.

I've gone on about my definition of real love as opposed to the hormone/feeling/Hollywood version so won't bore y'all with it again.

Most aren't worth keeping much past the sell-by date, so if you're 99% sure you're going to keep turning them over like getting a new car then it's a pleasant surprise when some last longer than you expect.

And note I'm not at all talking about "wives" the way you are, nothing to do with attempted monogamy for example.

In some cases the real love has lasted long after she's actually moved on to greener pastures, I just had a visit from one ex from twelve years ago, one of my first more serious relationships here, she's been married for the past eight to a guy in the UK, back on a visit to see her folks, stopped in to see me and meet my kids, ended up staying over three days, she shouted every meal bought everyone presents etc as she could see she's got more than me these days, we had a great time together.

Her husband's expressed his gratitude many times, she's obviously told him what kind of life I "rescued" her from, taught her English helped her get the job where she met him etc. Of course all the credit's really due to her own efforts, but it's still nice to know you've done a little good here and there.

And she's still pretty hot for a 30-year-old. . .

Relations that are build on money often never evolve to love. The moment the money runs out or the guy needs help.......

Smart guys realize its the money and make sure they don't loose too much. Nothing wrong with a money based relation, as long as you take precautions and don't fall in love. Because it could turn out real bad.

Agreed of course just not that "often" and never" cancel each other off.

How about "most". . .

[BlackArtemis]

I'm divorced and my inlaws still invite me over for dinner.

If I see them when I'm out it's wai's and hugs and we might even catch lunch or dinner together.

I also help my Ex with her tutoring business 3 times a week.

It was a very amicable divorce and we both realized it was easier to forgive and move on with life rather than spend it being spiteful.

[The Smithy]

Is it just marrying a prostitute that brings all these problems?

Best not to in that case!

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Is it just marrying a prostitute that brings all these problems?

Best not to in that case!

No the problem comes from valuing sexual attractiveness above more important criteria, and marrying people that use fraud and manipulation to get what they want. Sure there may be higher percentages of those among sex workers, but unfortunately they exist in all circles.

[scorpio]

my thai inlaws have allways treated me with the utmost respect, i come home 7-8 months a year and my wifes sister has looked after our house and car very well, car never driven and house never lived in. my wifes other sister had 450-000 baht belonging to me last year for around 6 months, she kept this money in her wooden house and not a bank, i was constantly telling my wife to tell her to bank it, simple farmers but trustworthy.

if your going to be a bufallo i think u,ll be taken for a ride by some but i guess i have been very lucky and cant comment on all thais obviously.

[jacktrip]

you speak to them and they say nothing?

thats very strange behavior. i have not met many people who can do that.

try pinching them on the a**, what do they do?

[Blackandwhite]

Hola, I am guessing you do not speak Thai and that equally they do not speak English.

We only visit Thailand as we live in the uk, wife's family are nice, we of course do not have lengthy discussions about much as our language barrier stops us, also our live are very vastly different. They are most probably not ignoring you or wishing to make you feel upset by their actions but I have found Thai people the older generation often say nothing when nothing is needed and wasted conversation with you would not be on the top of the days things to do.

You would soon know if the were pissed off with you and or the way your relationship has effected the family balance so don't worry be happy.

I would not recommend you change anything in what you do for the family or the levels of patience you have with them, I am sure the respect you show them with you cool heart and kind financial help does not go unseen.

Good luck, respect your elders and enjoy what you have also sounds like you have a lovely relationship with you wife so by trying to remain patient with the in laws will ensure the relationship remains a happy one.

Blackandwhite

[Shaktam]

I don't treat my Inlaws, that's how I treat them.

[thaibeachlovers]

I don't treat my Inlaws, that's how I treat them.

Good policy.