Getting Engaged - Giving Gold To Parent "normal"?

[HerbalEd]

Giving the girl and/or mother gold is a nice gesture and a sign that you're serious. However, asking for five baht of gold is greedy. One baht ... OK. But asking for five is a bad sign.

When it comes to Thai women, be ever on the lookout for those bad signs ... something that just don't feel right. A small sign here, one there, can make you think ... "Maybe it's just me ... and everything is actually OK". But at some point ... the breaking point ... you look back and realize that all those little bad signs, when totaled up, were telling you what you didn't want to see or admit. It's and old sad story here in Thailand ... but oh well, it was sure fun while it lasted.

Actually there are some great, honest, true-blue Thai women out there who you can trust ... but good luck finding one ... and trust your inner voice when you see something that doesn't feel right.

[ppmacready]

I have lived here 18 years.

I assume by your question you are VERY new and therefore naive.

I have learnt.

You are in love with the girl, therefore it will make no difference what you are advised!

My advice until you have learnt your own lessons.( You will then be called cynical!)

All ways ask your self these two questions.

Are you happy?

Can I afford her?

This applies no matter what her occupation or how special she or her family are!

Buyer beware!

[cheeryble]

I suggest using this as a test of whether she (and the family) are more interested in you or money. If they don't get the money but she holds on to you, then you can feel a bit more secure. Another couple things come to mind, after all my experiences with Thai girls for about 30 years (and two Thai wives) (and many girlfriends and Mia-noi's) and never made one cash/gold commitment, although been very generous over time. I can imagine a girl asking for this if she is: a bar-girl or a dating-site acquaintance, so where did you meet her? The second thing is that their friends (and family) will push them to try these tactics, just to see if it will work (it's money in the bank for them).

The real test is to see if she wants you as much as you love her.

A friend just forwarded me an email today that has a Youtube video of a very common thai-wife/foreign-husband typical situation. Please have a look at it:

Anybody will enjoy watching this, although it is long, but well worth the time.

I have read the many replies ahead of mine and I think there as many 'experienced' people contributing as well as a few very lucky guys that struck gold on their first search and have 'genuine' and dedicated mates.

MY BEST ADVISE: Watch the youtube video and you keep control of the 'drivers seat'. (and the purse-strings.

Best of luck, If you are new at this, you surely need it.............

Skipped through the video.

Did he think it was classy to never have a cigarette or bottle out of his mouth which is obviously how he is all the time?

Thank God she's rid of that alcoholic bore.

Edited May 12, 2013 by cheeryble

[davidmann]

ask what they wont when you get married ,you may be in for a shock ,

[Baerboxer]

I bought my wife a nice engagment ring, but that was all for the engagement. All my wife's parents asked for was an assurance that I would marry folllowing the engagement and that I would always look after her, especially if/when living outside of Thailand. My wife's best friend even paid for the nice lunch!

One thing though, Thai's expect the wedding to take place fairly quickly after the engagement, not drag on for months or years. I got engaged in the middle of September and married the following 4th January. I had to push a divorce through in that time too (yes, I know!). My wife's mum asked several times what the delay was.

In all fairness, my wife's parents never pushed or demanded anything, at the engagement or wedding. I like them both and help them now they're retired. But, they too equally help me in many ways, and are terrific grandparents. Choose your wife, and future family, carefully.

[DRONGOH]

Give her goldfish. She is not prepared to lern how to fish.

[Baerboxer]

I have lived here 18 years.

I assume by your question you are VERY new and therefore naive.

I have learnt.

You are in love with the girl, therefore it will make no difference what you are advised!

My advice until you have learnt your own lessons.( You will then be called cynical!)

All ways ask your self these two questions.

Are you happy?

Can I afford her?

This applies no matter what her occupation or how special she or her family are!

Buyer beware!

And that's the same the whole world over! I met just as many gold diggers in the West.

[how241]

Alarm bells should be ringing in your head !!!!

What does your g/f say about her parents asking for gold?

+1

[Baerboxer]

Depends where you get engaged married. Try Natal as she has to give you 20 cattle or India you have to ride a horse..

I recommend aUK wedding : a movie, 6 pack cider and a KFC. Yout don't start paying until the divorce

Yeh, and then you don't stop paying !!!!!!!!!!

Cider and KFC - you romantic old dog you!

[tetleythedog]

The straight answer is ............no!

Probably you are reasonably new here. Ask yourself.......would you do this in your own country? I know some will say that "we're in Thailand", but when someone marries a Muslim they have to become Muslim, i believe that if a Thai wants a Farang then she becomes Farang ! My wife is actually from a "good" Thai family, they have never asked me for anything. If they want something off you now, they will want much more later. Tread carefully, don't believe things you are told, you will be drip-fed information like the proverbial mushroom. Here it is definitely on a "need to know" basis, and their concept is .....the Farang doesn't need to know! :They may well be up to their eyes in debt like many are. Be logical, think with your brain, not your dick. If any doubts, walk away! There's always another ten around the corner. It took me 4 1/2 years to find a real good lady, patience is indeed a virtue, and you get to keep your cash. Give in now and you'll be doing it forever. Be polite but be firm.You're the boss mate not them!

[Flying Spike]

I must be an exceptionally lucky guy or it is generally the bitter and twisted minority that get on here. My wife and I were engaged in Thailand 22 years ago. I was told it was customary to give the girl a dowry as I was taking her away from the family and that it would be her "insurance" to come home if things didn't work out. I asked "how much" I was told it would be impolite of them to specify an amount and that I should give what I could afford. I did and 12months later we returned to the village to marry. The in-laws asked for a dowry, again the amount was not specified and I was to give the what I could afford. these people were by no means well off but lived humbly and worked hard.

I gave what I could afford and after the ceremony they gave it all back to us as a wedding present. 22 years later we are still married and the "insurance gold" has been sold,bought again and is little more than memento. The point is, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree so let the beginning give you and idea of what to expect in the future. Chose your wife and your in-laws well. Not all of them have their hands out though.

P.S. I may appear a newbie but have been a member a while though because of all the negativity I haven't posted for a long time and had to register again due to forgetting my log in details.

Edited May 12, 2013 by Flying Spike

[DRONGOH]

Alarm bells should be ringing in your head !!!!

What does your g/f say about her parents asking for gold?

It even may be the gf asking for the gold by proxy. No choice, if you don't give, her "inevitable" brother and his mates will appear and they'll suck it out of you in backend freebeies.

[aussimike]

If she hasn't been married before, give gold at the wedding, and then negotiate the amount ( down ). If you decide to give gold at the engagement, do not be surprised if they ask for a lot more at the wedding. This is simply a case of your girlfriend getting as much for her family out of you as possible -- albeit in a nice way. And if your engagement doesn't last the course and end up in marriage, don't expect to get a refund !

I have to tell you to leave this mum and gf alone - as other OP have said - that much for the engagement how much is your wedding going to cost you - 15 - 20 Baht gold -- it will never end - its the leaking room,. the buffalo died - the car not work need new one - the thais seem to think that seeing you love their daughter your now the family walking ATM - i am speaking from experience - lady from San Sai - the more time drew towards to wedding the more requests started flowing - saw lots of red flags and after consulting other thai friends - male and female they all advised me to leave well enough alone = so glad i did but the bust up was really messy - came home one day to find all my cloths schredded - laptop stabbed with a box cutter - lucky it was not my throat - crockery smached - my flat was a shambles - went to the BNB and they just shrug - mai ben rai - som nam na - so my advice is get out - go marry a chinese girl - they never ask for any thing - very happy and she just bought us 3 kg of gold bars - but she can afford it - but suggest you look further a field - i hate to use the word blood sucker but it does come to mind --- blood suckers are just like hookers only smarter - anyway - good luck - hope some of the advice on this thread has saved you a life time of grief -

[TravelerEastWest]

The western concept of Engagement and Marraige blend in one in Thailand.

Traditionally couples can't live together unless married. It's probable that the future in-laws see this as a wedding, that is how they will justify their daughter living with a guy to all around them.

Thus 5 baht of gold is not abnormal, just don't get hung up on the engagement word, you are probably getting married in the eyes of those Thais around you.

This is what I have seen also.

Many times the money is returned especially if you need the money.

[Baerboxer]

I suggest using this as a test of whether she (and the family) are more interested in you or money. If they don't get the money but she holds on to you, then you can feel a bit more secure. Another couple things come to mind, after all my experiences with Thai girls for about 30 years (and two Thai wives) (and many girlfriends and Mia-noi's) and never made one cash/gold commitment, although been very generous over time. I can imagine a girl asking for this if she is: a bar-girl or a dating-site acquaintance, so where did you meet her? The second thing is that their friends (and family) will push them to try these tactics, just to see if it will work (it's money in the bank for them).

The real test is to see if she wants you as much as you love her.

A friend just forwarded me an email today that has a Youtube video of a very common thai-wife/foreign-husband typical situation. Please have a look at it:

Anybody will enjoy watching this, although it is long, but well worth the time.

I have read the many replies ahead of mine and I think there as many 'experienced' people contributing as well as a few very lucky guys that struck gold on their first search and have 'genuine' and dedicated mates.

MY BEST ADVISE: Watch the youtube video and you keep control of the 'drivers seat'. (and the purse-strings.

Best of luck, If you are new at this, you surely need it.............

Skipped through the video.

Did he think it was classy to never have a cigarette or bottle out of his mouth which is obviously how he is all the time?

Thank God she's rid of that alcoholic bore.

What a prize prat! Apart from being a boozy piss artist, he seems completely ignorant of Thia culture and made little effort to do anything other than booze and whine. Obviously thought married life would be the same as the bar girl scene. No wonder he didn't have a socail life in the UK. A business/salesman - with his judgement?

[Baerboxer]

I must be an exceptionally lucky guy or it is generally the bitter and twisted minority that get on here. My wife and I were engaged in Thailand 22 years ago. I was told it was customary to give the girl a dowry as I was taking her away from the family and that it would be her "insurance" to come home if things didn't work out. I asked "how much" I was told it would be impolite of them to specify an amount and that I should give what I could afford. I did and 12months later we returned to the village to marry. The in-laws asked for a dowry, again the amount was not specified and I was to give the what I could afford. these people were by no means well off but lived humbly and worked hard.

I gave what I could afford and after the ceremony they gave it all back to us as a wedding present. 22 years later we are still married and the "insurance gold" has been sold,bought again and is little more than memento. The point is, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree so let the beginning give you and idea of what to expect in the future. Chose your wife and your in-laws well. Not all of them have their hands out though.

P.S. I may appear a newbie but have been a member a while though because of all the negativity I haven't posted for a long time and had to register again due to forgetting my log in details.

Actually Spike, I think you are in the majority. It's the minority who are too interested in booze and sex to actually use their brains that get caught - and they will get caught wherever they get married.

[jimmyjjjjj]

Just what is '5 baht in gold'? 5 baht is only a few cents American, but obviously I don't understand this particular usage.

[onni4me]

A friend just forwarded me an email today that has a Youtube video of a very common thai-wife/foreign-husband typical situation.

I don't really know what is typical or not. All i could come up with this video was that he run out of money building a house out of nowhere. Missus said that she can't eat love...sounds about true to me...

I have built a house to my partner and we both work for the future. That's how it's been last 8 years or so. I suppose everyone needs security and in Thailand more than somewhere else. Without money here the future looks very bleak indeed.

What comes to this thread. I see pouring money into some relationship like this as stupid as it comes. You may or not may agree with me but I am very skeptical about it as a start for relationship. If it's ALL about money, it's doomed from the beginning.

[DiamondKing]

Quite normal, also money. the more you give, the more "appreciation" you give the bride and parents.

Just those things you have to do... unless your bride and her parents have a different mind set you may not have to do it.

But also, not giving money or gold, will "look bad" for her parents in their town. so, if you trully believe she is honest and worth it, then you just do it.

Your smoking too much stuff mate its a complete scam that is all it is nothing more. I know of NONE of my friends have ever had to give gold for an engagement, I have seen it a weddings for show but we are talking about just getting engaged For F%^KS Sake if its 5 baht for engangment how much do you think you will be asked for for the wedding.

NIP IT IN THE BUTT NOW!!!!

[transam]

Just what is '5 baht in gold'? 5 baht is only a few cents American, but obviously I don't understand this particular usage.

In LOS terms it is a lot of money in gold weight, ooooooooop's it's a lot of money to me too.

[Just1Voice]

As others have stated, the OP didn't really get into any details about the family (mother), or he girl he wants to marry, and because of that, it's a bit difficult to really form an accurate judgement. However, having said that, I agree with other that asking 5 baht gold just for the engagement is being exceptionally greedy on behalf of the mother, and if you pay it, then you have just opened the flood gates to your ATM card.

Having been to Thailand many times in the past, when I finally decided to retire here, and to marry, I found a woman who was 10 years younger than me. I was 59 and looked younger, she was 49 and looked MUCH younger. Her parents were deceased, she has one older brother and sister, and younger half sister. Her family pretty much owned the village where she was originally from, and she had a good job herself with a 5 star hotel here in CNX. She had been married once before; arranged by her father and the future father in law, but that one only lasted till shortly after their son was born. With us, sinsod or dowry was never once mentioned, outside of her telling me her first had to pay 500,000.

Before we married, she informed me that I was marrying her, not her family, and that I would never have to worry about any of them asking for money, as all of them have good jobs. The only time any of them asked was when the father of one of her cousins became extremely ill, and he was in Samoeng and she was in Nakon Rath, she asked to borrow money to get home as fast as she could. I had no problem with that and transferred it online to her about an hour after she called my wife. Two months later she repaid it. Ok, so I'm one of the luckier ones.

I'll give you the same advice others have - talk to family, do some "investigating", and most importantly, think with the big head, not the little one, and ask yourself if she's really worth it. In the end, no matter what everyone on here says, it is ultimately you decision.

Good luck.

[Wat dee]

I think that it would be wise for the OP to talk with his g/f's mother about how much the mother will be wanting for the marriage sin sot?

I dread to think,if she is asking 5 baht gold for the engagement.....how much will she want for the wedding?

.............and beware of the "Pea Chai's" popping out of the woodwork............my ex never told me about any brothers when we first met, they came from all over the pl,ace for the wedding, then never saw most of them again.

So you never bothered to ask her if she had any brothers or sisters? Would you marry someone "back home" without knowing if she had family. No wonder she's ex.

[lucjoker]

Quite normal, also money. the more you give, the more "appreciation" you give the bride and parents.

Just those things you have to do... unless your bride and her parents have a different mind set you may not have to do it.

But also, not giving money or gold, will "look bad" for her parents in their town. so, if you trully believe she is honest and worth it, then you just do it.

yes sure !

do what the thai do: make the girl pregnant and than run off !That's why all those girls have allready 1 or more babies living with the grandparents.

It's the custom here,didn"t you know?

I was joking offcourse ,not all thai guys run off,some stay and die from alcoholic livers and the rest from crashing with motor cycles into beloved streetdogs.

Now i'm not joking.

[aaron76]

Just say no.

No to the gold.

No to the engagement.

No to the wedding.

Good advice. Give them nothing.

They can buy their own gold.

[lucjoker]

. One guy that I knew paid 4 million plus a lot of gold, just like that.

well well well !

A thai guy pays 4 milj baht "just like that" plus a lot (kg?) of gold . Also "just like that" ?

Was he already in prison ? Or still dealing outside?

I dont believe a word of your story,just like that

[lucjoker]

If you pay now it will only be the beginning. The family will keep pushing for more. After you pay the engagment will more than likely evaporate. I am living now with my 3rd Thai lady. I set the rules from the very beginning (learned this at a cost) I give her a living allowance weekly and she sends money to the parents out of this monthly. She is a jewel. They are out there but hard to find.

yes,i did find her also,and now you did .

she's a jewel.

[aaron76]

It's nonsense - I have been married to a wonderful Thai woman for 7 years - no engagement present and the 100k I put in for the wedding went straight back in my pocket after the ceremony - no offence was taken , everyone was happy and satisfied - definitely no gold to parents involved....

You forgot to mention your wife has one eye.

That made me laugh!

But seriously, WHY would anyone fall for this shit?

Someone said the parents will look bad in their village. Oh please. My heart bleeds.

It's greed. Pure and unadulterated.

[RigPig]

The short answer is NO!

I personally have never heard of it for an engagement only a wedding. An engagement ring is usually enough.

My understanding of Sin Sot is it is used to be for the family to buy land to build on for the married couple or to look after future grand children. You are taking a worker from the rice paddy which the whole family depends on (theoretically). It is a symbol at a Thai wedding (which you may consider as without official registration it means nothing legally anyway, everyone would be happy and you could have a "proper" wedding in 4 years time).

You must also realise it is tradition that the girl is a virgin and you should not be paying for "damaged goods", if this is the case then the gold should be presented at the "wedding" so the family can preserve "face" but it should be returned after the wedding.

Also Thais marry to advance the family (more land, business or whatever), what is she "bringing to the table" looks and love have little to do with it, hence the mia noi and gig(s).

If it is considered to be a (Thai) tradition you should be paying the same as a Thai, most Thais at there weddings (girl from village) that I know of only pay around 20,000 Baht cash.

YOU ARE NOT THAI! (and NEVER will be) Therefore you do not have to pay sin sit.

Ultimately of course the decision is yours, my advise is to consider all the facts and come to a compromise. I personally would not be forking over any more than an engagement ring before the wedding.

Hope this helps, good luck with it.

[transam]

It's nonsense - I have been married to a wonderful Thai woman for 7 years - no engagement present and the 100k I put in for the wedding went straight back in my pocket after the ceremony - no offence was taken , everyone was happy and satisfied - definitely no gold to parents involved....

You forgot to mention your wife has one eye.

That made me laugh!

But seriously, WHY would anyone fall for this shit?

Someone said the parents will look bad in their village. Oh please. My heart bleeds.

It's greed. Pure and unadulterated.

But that is the way it is if she is co-habiting. I did ask the question before about CH but know reply yet. If she is then ma and pa will want to show something.

[Evolare]

Sinsod only happends in marriage not for engagement...the only gold you buy then is what you put on your gfs finger. A friend of mine gave sinsod when getting married but it was symbolic to show friends and relatives afterwards he got it all back. If all they want is youre money its not a good sign don't feel they really care for you...

But it could also be that she wants to brag to her friends about it many old generation thai women like their status...if its about that and she will give it back then by all means do it...because then she can tell her friends you paid five baht gold sinsod for the engagement...kraeng jai and then she approved and gave the gold back because she wanted to bless youre engagement that give her good karma and she makes good merit (tamboon). Then all is well and your new mother-in-law will respect you more for it.

Which one is more likely well that depends on what your gf and how her mother feels about it.