Relationship with Thai woman

[Guitar God]

Hi,

I've moved to Thailand and plan to marry a Thai woman I've known for about a year. She's got a good job with the goverment, worked there for 6 years, is the eldest daughter, lives with here parents and helps them out and also helps out her younger sisters. She had a farang boyfriend for 3 years but he decided he didn't want to settle down have children and she did so they broke up a few months before we met.

She makes no secret of the fact that she likes money and she expects a better lifestyle than her government salary can provide her. I always pay when we travel or go out and give her money every month. Her ex bf did and I think her sisters and relatives got used to it.

According to her, it's " Thai culture" that we can't marry and live in a rental house so I'll need to put down 3-4m and she will finance the remaining 1-2m, her parents depend on her 6 year old truck to do to the dalat twice a week so I'll also need to buy her and I a car, has to be a new car because you can't trust used cars in Thailand.

I haven't met her parents yet because she brought her ex bf there and when marriage didn't materialize, her parents were turned off of her dating a farang so she wants to be sure that I can provide for her since I'm older than her.

I'm 100% sure she doesn't have any other men in her life but I'm not convinced about the "thai culture" aspects of the relationship and her reluctance for me to meet her parents.

Opinons?

[timtscott]

Most people are going to tell you to run. They are probably right. I have been in similar relationships and even if you can afford it you will start to resent being a human ATM after awhile. It will end and it will not end well

Get out now. Plenty of fish in the sea.

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[benalibina]

You start as you means to go on. Good luck.

[rgs2001uk]

Suggest there are better looking fish under the bridge.

Is this for real?

According to her, it's " Thai culture" that we can't marry and live in a rental house

Please ask "little miss perfect", why I see the same thing happening all around me everyday?

Opinons?

Bin her ASAP, a serial farang hunter.

[GrantSmith]

Suggest there are better looking fish under the bridge.

Is this for real?

 

According to her, it's " Thai culture"  that we can't marry and live in a rental house

 

Please ask "little miss perfect", why I see the same thing happening all around me everyday?

 

Opinons?

 

Bin her ASAP, a serial farang hunter.

Yes, but you also need to stop hanging around the bars until closing time

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[MAJIC]

Is she worth it? You are already under unbelieveable pressure to be the Rich performing Farang,to me it sounds like unreasonable demands from a blatant Gold Digger,who thinks she is the only woman in the world,and present demands are only the beginning of further incessant demands,......hook up with this women,and you are on the treadmill to oblivion!

[rhodie]

It is not " Thai culture", it is only that because you are a Westerner and she is working on fleecing you.

If she has started off this way I think the best option is to run.

[Guitar God]

The opinions were not unexpected. According to her, the reason we can't live in a rental house is because of her parents. She already had two failed relationships with non-Thai men ( one left her and married a bar girl, the other one also cheated in her). Her parents think farangs use their money to string her along in relationships with no future for her. They don't want her dating farangs ( even though her 1st two bf's were Thai and cheated on her too). They equate renting a house to live in to renting their daughter, she (or they) thinks buying a house signifies making a commitment. She suggested a house in a development where only a small downpayment was required and she'd get a mortgage for the rest but the development is sold out. Her parents don't own any vehicles except scooters and got used to using her truck for the past 5 years and she planned to give it to them when it was paid off. I neglected to mention, she's also my Thai business partner, when I bought a business here, without me asking, she took a 150 hour course to get a certificate for the business. She used vacation time to work there for free for a week when our manager needed time off to attend a funeral of her stepson. She's acted as GM of the company the two months before I arrived and every penny is accounted for. Despite her full time job(and MBA), she helps her parents small business for a couple hours before and after work every day. She says once we find a house, then she can convince her parents I'm not just another older farang looking to temporarily bed their daughter only to later leave her. She was devastated for months after her previous bf cheated on her, withdrew from her friends and family and cried daily and says her parents don't want to see her hurt like that again.

[Gsxrnz]

OP -Have you read a book called "Thailand Fever". It's a reasonable guide to many of the cultural differences you're facing. I strongly suggest you read it.

Your second post lends some credibility to the situation. Only you can decide if the history she is giving you is plausible. Only you can decide if you want to commit to her (and Thailand), both emotionally and financially.

I accept that most of what she has told you does conform to Thai thinking. Has she mentioned Sinsot? If not, ask her about it - that may well be the clincher. If she demands it, and it's a large amount........RUN! If it's a modest/token amount, OK. If it's zero, even better.

The house - I get her logic and it does make sense from a Thai perspective.

As to everything else, keep your cash outlay as minimal as possible. You want a car in her name, minimal deposit and credit in her name. Same with the house as she suggested. As time goes on you will know if you have a keeper, and if it goes pear shaped you can walk away and not lose your shirt.

Assuming there are no more "hidden" details in what she's told you, the only other issue is why/how did she have two Farang boyfriends, and why didn't those relationships work out. I mean, never mind the financial and risk issues, are you sure she isn't an emotional nightmare/psycho bitch from hell?

Anyway, good luck. I'm sure you'll get lots of advice on TV

Do consider reading the book I mentioned earlier. And as with all things.....keep your eyes wide open and your powder dry.

[MAJIC]

The opinions were not unexpected. According to her, the reason we can't live in a rental house is because of her parents. She already had two failed relationships with non-Thai men ( one left her and married a bar girl, the other one also cheated in her). Her parents think farangs use their money to string her along in relationships with no future for her. They don't want her dating farangs ( even though her 1st two bf's were Thai and cheated on her too). They equate renting a house to live in to renting their daughter, she (or they) thinks buying a house signifies making a commitment. She suggested a house in a development where only a small downpayment was required and she'd get a mortgage for the rest but the development is sold out. Her parents don't own any vehicles except scooters and got used to using her truck for the past 5 years and she planned to give it to them when it was paid off. I neglected to mention, she's also my Thai business partner, when I bought a business here, without me asking, she took a 150 hour course to get a certificate for the business. She used vacation time to work there for free for a week when our manager needed time off to attend a funeral of her stepson. She's acted as GM of the company the two months before I arrived and every penny is accounted for. Despite her full time job(and MBA), she helps her parents small business for a couple hours before and after work every day. She says once we find a house, then she can convince her parents I'm not just another older farang looking to temporarily bed their daughter only to later leave her. She was devastated for months after her previous bf cheated on her, withdrew from her friends and family and cried daily and says her parents don't want to see her hurt like that again.

Carry on and make her excuses for her,it's your life,but please don't try and convince others,in order to convince yourself. My final advice to you is: don't let Culture and Tradition BS, blah blah,cloud your judgement,

it's simply all about money!

Two failed Thai relationships,Parents frown on Farang Relationships,and don't want her hurt again. which is laughable,as long as you have the entrance fee, i.e Money. You didn't break her heart,so you don't need to be the white knight in shining Armour. Try and remember that,because when the check bin comes in, for the Broken heart x 2, it's you that's going to pick up the Tab! You will hear many stories,doubt half of them,and suspect the other half.

Here's another instance. Many years ago I was involved with a Thai Teacher,who told me her Family frowned on her being with a Farang,but ,if I bought a brand new house for Her/Us,Face,Culture, and Tradition,would have been satisfied.And duly would cleanse everything!

Of course,she having been married before with 2 children,and 44 years old, SinSot was not mentioned.Not that it was ever likely to be offered anyway! just an example,money changes everything! and even History is up for sale!

Edited November 19, 2013 by MAJIC

[Dancealot]

Here's my advice: Give it more time, there is no rush. Discuss important plans with friends and family in order to stay objective.

Meet the parents first. A couple of times perhaps. Hang out with the family. Get to know eachother. Get to know your spouse and learn from eachother.

Nobody is forcing you to marry and put down a small fortune. And remember:

You are taking this step in life, out of your own free will.

[4evermaat]

"The same things you have to do to get a woman is the same things you gotta do to keep her."

This is true the world over.

"Second best time to plant a tree is today" sent from note2 TV app

[timtscott]

I think danceslot offers good advice. Give it time.

No matter who you end up with you will most likely spend some money. That is not limited to Thailand. The smart thing is to make sure she is the one to spend the money on. She may well be. Just proceed cautiously.

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[wooloomooloo]

You know the answer, OP.

Next.

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[NCC1701A]

you are buying her a house... you don't own it.

age difference?

assuming there was only 5 year difference in age, on a scale of 1-10, how likely would it be your wife would be physically attracted to you? 10 being very strong.

what percentage of your net worth you are giving way? 5% or 50%? or?

how do you know she loves you?

do you love her?

since you can have sex with thousands of beautiful woman in Thailand for the fraction of the cost of a house, why are you doing this?

buy a condo in your name. if she loves you she can hang with you.

15,000 the cost of Thai girl friend per month. divided by the cost of a 1,000,000 house equals 66 months of various girlfriends.

your business partner and your girlfriend? what happens if you break up?

did you set it up so you are the controlling partner?

will be be able to start over when you lose your business and house?

Edited November 20, 2013 by NCC1701A

[Dancealot]

The opinions were not unexpected. According to her, the reason we can't live in a rental house is because of her parents. She already had two failed relationships with non-Thai men ( one left her and married a bar girl, the other one also cheated in her). Her parents think farangs use their money to string her along in relationships with no future for her. They don't want her dating farangs ( even though her 1st two bf's were Thai and cheated on her too). They equate renting a house to live in to renting their daughter, she (or they) thinks buying a house signifies making a commitment. She suggested a house in a development where only a small downpayment was required and she'd get a mortgage for the rest but the development is sold out. Her parents don't own any vehicles except scooters and got used to using her truck for the past 5 years and she planned to give it to them when it was paid off. I neglected to mention, she's also my Thai business partner, when I bought a business here, without me asking, she took a 150 hour course to get a certificate for the business. She used vacation time to work there for free for a week when our manager needed time off to attend a funeral of her stepson. She's acted as GM of the company the two months before I arrived and every penny is accounted for. Despite her full time job(and MBA), she helps her parents small business for a couple hours before and after work every day. She says once we find a house, then she can convince her parents I'm not just another older farang looking to temporarily bed their daughter only to later leave her. She was devastated for months after her previous bf cheated on her, withdrew from her friends and family and cried daily and says her parents don't want to see her hurt like that again.

Carry on and make her excuses for her,it's your life,but please don't try and convince others,in order to convince yourself. My final advice to you is: don't let Culture and Tradition BS, blah blah,cloud your judgement,

it's simply all about money!

Two failed Thai relationships,Parents frown on Farang Relationships,and don't want her hurt again. which is laughable,as long as you have the entrance fee, i.e Money. You didn't break her heart,so you don't need to be the white knight in shining Armour. Try and remember that,because when the check bin comes in, for the Broken heart x 2, it's you that's going to pick up the Tab! You will hear many stories,doubt half of them,and suspect the other half.

Here's another instance. Many years ago I was involved with a Thai Teacher,who told me her Family frowned on her being with a Farang,but ,if I bought a brand new house for Her/Us,Face,Culture, and Tradition,would have been satisfied.And duly would cleanse everything!

Of course,she having been married before with 2 children,and 44 years old, SinSot was not mentioned.Not that it was ever likely to be offered anyway! just an example,money changes everything! and even History is up for sale!

MAJIC: at first I thought you where harsh, apologies.

Khun Moo Curt: You neglected to mention what I highlighted in the quote.

I reserved an open mind untill I read this. That's why I re-quoted it.

From your writings I understand she maticulously plans every financing in life to the last Bath. She controlls and runs everything, including feeding your heart with an unjust feeling of replacement guilt and compassion.

Ask yourself: Why do you share with us the details about the 150 hour course/the car and house purchase etc, etc.? Why did she study so much to run your(her) business? Did she foresee the upcoming funeral? Is she your business partner or co-owner?

I think she doesn't want you to meet her parents. It can't be the parents choice to neglect their daughter's future spouse.

I am hoping you see It's precisely these small details you mention that raise red flags with me. All the way up to the funeral excuse.

Usually, I am a very positive person but have a bad feeling about this.

I revise my advice:

Do what makes you and your loved ones, feel happy, however don't get married, yet, if you do, accidentally, DON'T let the marriage be registered in your home country.

If your relationship is still solid next year. Make another stand by waiting with the baby, 2 years minimum. This means WHATEVER it takes. I barely made it through that one myself...

Just sayin'...

I whish you good luck

Yours,

[FiftyTwo]

It is not " Thai culture", it is only that because you are a Westerner and she is working on fleecing you.

If she has started off this way I think the best option is to run.

Serial farang hunter ..... to be avoided at all costs.

Their pan is to manipulate you through 'Thai culture'.

If she like 'Thai culture' that much, how come she isn't marrying a Thai?

PS

When they don't want you to meet friends, parents, etc. It's usually because they already have a Thai husband and are trying to minimise the risk of you finding out.

Edited November 20, 2013 by FiftyTwo

[A1Str8]

First of all, she says you can't marry and live in a rental house and that's thai culture. That's not thai culture, that's her mindset and her explanation for requesting 3-4 mill. Do NOT be fooled by that. Thais always pull the 'thai culture' card because they know that foreigners don't know anything about it(even if they think they do)so they will probably believe it. Don't be one of those who have believed it and later regretted.

She nas not introduced you to her parents yet and is reluctant to do so until you prove it that you can provide her. Again, she has just proved it that she is full of sh_t. If a woman truly loves you, she is going to be happy and proud to introduce you to her parents. When she comes up with pathetic excuses like this one, she just makes it clear that her main motivation is money instead of love.

Besides, you have posted this here and need advice. That is because you are in doubt. Deep within you doubt that you should do it. So I suggest you to listen to that voice and find yourself a real woman. You have not got married yet but this relationship is already all about money. Get me a car, buy me a house etc...and after I might introduce you to my parents. Is this for real? Leave that mess and find a woman that truly loves you. There are plenty out there. You are going to find her.

[rocoa01]

She is laying down too many "conditions" far too early. It only gets uglier with time. At a minimum pull back on the throttle and let things play out. Her true character (good or bad) will come out with time. Whatever you do, do not drop those amounts of money on the car and house this early in the game. My gut tells me this will head south with time, the "conditions" and "Thai culture" push are early indicators of this.

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[Totster]

So does she work for the government, or does she work for your (her) business ?

totster

[Guitar God]

She works for the government but helped out with my business when it needed it. Along with my lawyer I control 52% of the business. If we bought a house she would sign a usfruct, if we broke up we'd sell it and both get half.

The business requires someone with a certificate which I do not have and I thought it considerate of her to get one on her own, she has no interest in running the business and would have preferred I not bought it. I went the business route to get a residence permit in my own, for a fraction of the cost, we could have gotten a house and I could have got a residence permit based on marriage.

According to her, if her parents don't accept me (too old, foreign etc. ) then she can't get married. She is very attached to her family and thinks she owes them for her education and upbringing. They are poor farmers who sacrificed a lot to put her through college.

I can see one point, if we got married, she'd outlive me and by the time I'm gone she'd be far past prime age for marriage and probably end up an old maid.

There is zero percent chance she has a Thai husband or boyfriend, I have met and spent a lot if time with all her sisters and friends.

[FiftyTwo]

If we bought a house she would sign a usfruct, if we broke up we'd sell it and both get half.

So you are going to buy her a house, for cash, before you get married now.

If you are married, usfruct is not enforceable.

If you have a home loan, bank won't allow usfruct.

[Totster]

She works for the government but helped out with my business when it needed it.

Still a little confused.. this sounds like more than just helping out..

She's acted as GM of the company the two months before I arrived and every penny is accounted for

totster

[inzman]

She is all about money, her first two Falangs realized this and ran. You should too. Many ladies in Thailand, you need to grow some stones and put away the tinted glasses. No money no honey she says,hmmm.

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[Guitar God]

She works for the government but helped out with my business when it needed it. Along with my lawyer I control 52% of the business. If we bought a house she would sign a usfruct, if we broke up we'd sell it and both get half.

The business requires someone with a certificate which I do not have and I thought it considerate of her to get one on her own, she has no interest in running the business and would have preferred I not bought it. I went the business route to get a residence permit in my own, for a fraction of the cost, we could have gotten a house and I could have got a residence permit based on marriage.

According to her, if her parents don't accept me (too old, foreign etc. ) then she can't get married. She is very attached to her family and thinks she owes them for her education and upbringing. They are poor farmers who sacrificed a lot to put her through college.

I can see one point, if we got married, she'd outlive me and by the time I'm gone she'd be far past prime age for marriage and probably end up an old maid.

There is zero percent chance she has a Thai husband or boyfriend, I have met and spent a lot if time with all her sisters and friends. Her sisters are also reluctant to bring even their Thai boyfriends to meet their parents because they are concerned their parents would approve and they'll feel pressured to choose between love and their parents approval.

Gsxrnz- yes, I read "Thailand Fever" early and often, I even bought her a copy. Part of the reason I haven't ran away was because of the explanation of the differences in Thai and western culture, especially as it relates to the relationships between Thai children and their parents.

[Guitar God]

Inzman- I have spoken with her ex and money wasn't the reason they split.

[rhodie]

I think the gist is just tread carefully. You started off by saying that you have to buy a house. That is one giant red flag.

I think you should start off by renting. You can always buy a house in the future.

Good luck. I hope it all works out.

[NanLaew]

The OP is a never-ending source of off-hand 'I forgot to mention' responses when the red flags are raised. Like he forgot to mention she is a business partner... like that is so insignificant to be easy to overlook. Then 'I have spoken with her ex' which is as far fetched as it is downright creepy IMHO. I assume this soon-to-be wife freely gave you his contact information then? She has a cv with references then?

Regarding these conversations with her sisters, the OP will be back shortly, claiming that he is fluent in Thai.

When anyone needs to seek an opinion on very personal matters from complete strangers on an internet forum and just because he has chosen to post in the Marriage & Divorce forum rather than the more cutting edge and incisive (and predictably troll filled) General forum?

Maybe the Mods can punt this into Farang Pub for some light entertainment.

[GrantSmith]

The OP is a never-ending source of off-hand 'I forgot to mention' responses when the red flags are raised. Like he forgot to mention she is a business partner... like that is so insignificant to be easy to overlook. Then 'I have spoken with her ex' which is as far fetched as it is downright creepy IMHO. I assume this soon-to-be wife freely gave you his contact information then? She has a cv with references then?

Regarding these conversations with her sisters, the OP will be back shortly, claiming that he is fluent in Thai.

When anyone needs to seek an opinion on very personal matters from complete strangers on an internet forum and just because he has chosen to post in the Marriage & Divorce forum rather than the more cutting edge and incisive (and predictably troll filled) General forum?

Maybe the Mods can punt this into Farang Pub for some light entertainment.

Oh khun NanLaew you sage sceptic you... Shame on you for inferring that Khun Moo Court is anything but a street smart savvy hansum man with a firm grip of reality! Tsk tsk tsk

Khun Moo Court is pouring his heart out on an otherwise anonymous web forum! The least you could do is not make him look totally foolish

[givenall]

Why buy when can rent new models at any time