Control Level After Marriage

[lucadg]

Hi all!

I'll be short, romance is business here

- My girlfriend can't do much without her parents agreeing.

- If she does something without consensun anyway they loose face and that's not good

- I am stuck in Europe (family matters ) and would like her to come over.

- Two options:

a) Engagement. Father doesn't like that. I must give 60.000 bath and 1 bath of gold and/or sign a letter that I will marry her within a certain time.

Marry her. That would solve all problems and she'd be free and we could walk away happily.

Not pretending to be in a original situation, my question is:

Is is true that after marriage the family has no more saying in the new family matters? She tells me yes, but we all have learned that "yes" today may be "no" tomorrow and that an explanation for that sudden change is not something you should ask for, you don't understand my culture, you ruined my life and so on...

Guys, give some light to a friend in the warm fog of thai culture....

Luca

P.S.

- No bar girl, has a real job.

- Known her for almost two years

- Yes, I am deadly scared of marriage under every latitude and I don't know why.

[Neeranam]

Is is true that after marriage the family has no more saying in the new family matters?

In most cases, yes this is true, they won't get involved.

Good luck!

[cdnvic]

I agree. The family is not demanding some outrageous sin sot or anything. My experience reading stories here for the past few years is that if they see you as a goldmine at first they may use her as leverage later to pry more out of you. This doesn't look like the case here. Looks like they're just concerned about her honor and theirs. I think you could expect to be afforded the respect normally due a married couple and that meaning they'd probably mind their own business for the most part.

cv

[chuchok]

Hi all!

I'll be short, romance is business here

- My girlfriend can't do much without her parents agreeing.

- If she does something without consensun anyway they loose face and that's not good

- I am stuck in Europe (family matters ) and would like her to come over.

- Two options:

a) Engagement. Father doesn't like that. I must give 60.000 bath and 1 bath of gold and/or sign a letter that I will marry her within a certain time.

Marry her. That would solve all problems and she'd be free and we could walk away happily.

Not pretending to be in a original situation, my question is:

Is is true that after marriage the family has no more saying in the new family matters? She tells me yes, but we all have learned that "yes" today may be "no" tomorrow and that an explanation for that sudden change is not something you should ask for, you don't understand my culture, you ruined my life and so on...

Guys, give some light to a friend in the warm fog of thai culture....

Luca

P.S.

- No bar girl, has a real job.

- Known her for almost two years

- Yes, I am deadly scared of marriage under every latitude and I don't know why.

Is the THB60,000 and one baht of gold a sinsot, or is it just inplaceof a letter/wedding etc, at this time?

[Totster]

Seems reasonable to me. Firstly they are worried about their daughter going so far away, and I assume the payment and gold is a kind of an insurance that you will do the right thing eventually, to make sure you are serious.

If I am assuming wrong about this, then what is it for exactly ?

After marriage, you should be left alone to do what you will, however the bond is still strong, and anything her parents may say would still be highly respected by the daughter

totster

[taxexile]

Yes, I am deadly scared of marriage under every latitude and I don't know why.

then come to terms with your own doubts and fears before commiting yourself.

[pnustedt]

My stepdaughter got married last Nov. and I found it interesting that prior to the wedding my wife used to regularly criticise the b/f, almost as if he wasn't goodf ernough for the daughter. However, since the wedding (and payment of dowry) her attitude has changed and she won't have a bad word said about him - not sure that this is a normal Thai trait, but if it is I think you would feel more a part of the family after marriage and things which are issues now will go away.

[sbk]

A payment of money and gold at the engagement party is traditional. My husband's oldest nephew gave money and gold at his engagement party. If he broke off the engagement she would get to keep the money and gold, if she broke it off, she would have to return it.

[lucadg]

Thanks all, your help is very much appreciated!

Is the THB60,000 and one baht of gold a sinsot, or is it just inplaceof a letter/wedding etc, at this time?

It's a guarantee. If I don't marry her they keep it. If I do, they will give it back.

If I don't have the money the letter will do for the moment. But it must be said that the parents don't like the "engagement to be free" solution (understandable), the point to marriage.

then come to terms with your own doubts and fears before commiting yourself.

You are right. I guess. But coming to terms needs time and knowledge of each others. It is in both's interest to do that step at the right time.

You see, the thing is we keep hearing this "my culture" thing. I am very respectful of cultures. I may even say I do not belong fully to any culture having travelled 80% of my time since I was 18.

That is to say, don't take me as the western who wants the whole world to be western.

BUT, what about my culture? Or, better, what about our western culture? Don't we have one? Or many? Is it LESS valuable than theirs?

Don't we have thousands of years of history down here in Europe? Are we really a wild bunch just because we speak loudly and say what we mean?

Yes, the rule is "respect the culture of the country you are in". Well, I am not in Thailand. I am sometimes in Thailand, sometimes in Italy, sometimes somewhere else.

They may say: "your girlfriend is thai, you have to do as thais do"

So, I may say to her: "your boyfriend in western, you have to do as westerns do".

Right? No.

I think we should find a middle way. Maybe if the boyfriend is a farang, some rules should not apply, as much as we do bend to some local requirements.

I know I am talking to windmills, a traditional culture as the Thai is beautiful maybe BECAUSE it is traditional and strict. I don't know, just thinking while writing.

I just feel that breaking up would be unjust (and sad, very sad), and getting married too early because of cultural requirements too.

We should be able to talk things out, but I guess the big problem is always what the neighbours will say. And this, in every culture of the world, is wrong.