The dreaded visitors " Home Guests "

[kikoman]

Seems many don't know how to set boundaries here. Its your life don't let others rule it.

i beg to differ with you, some of us do not need boundaries in our live's. Having and enjoying visitors is something enjoyable to me, by simply being my guest in my home does not mean anyone other then me and my family rule it.

I also enjoy my privacy, and made my room off limits to all visitors as well as our girls, But I have no problem sharing what we have with our guest, as we have been blessed and have more than we can use!

Cheers

You seem to have missed my point or i haven't formulated it good enough.

You seem to like what you are doing, i was talking about the ones that complain but don't change it. If you like how it goes the boundaries are set in a way you like it. If it does not go the way you like it and you complain but don't act then something is wrong.

I see your point now, and I am more in agreement with it~

Cheers

[pinkpanther99]

I know this all sounds a bit silly, but in the home is a place where the two cultures can really clash.

It is an important part of culture in many countries to be "communal" whereas other cultures are a more privacy based culture.

It is really important to get the balance right.

Closing the house off labels you, and your spouse as (in Indo the word is sombong) being elitist? being cheap, being unfriendly?

Opening the house means you lose your privacy.

Best to build two houses in one.

The two cultures can then co-exist rather than collide.

Excellent post - I couldn't agree more. It is about finding that balance.

When my Mrs has her family staying with us I know that I'm going to have to give up a good chunk of my privacy (not to mention the tv, ipad, computer, car, food, beer, clothes - last time her old man came he took a bag of my clothes home with him, nobody asked me!!) for a week or so. I know it'll p155 me off at the time but I also realise that things will be back to normal once they go home. I'm sure if you asked my Mrs she gets annoyed at time when my friends and family stay too.

[rgs2001uk]

Why bother delaying the inevitable, taxi to Pattaya one way.

Cant believe what I am reading here, grown men being sent to their room like a petualnt child who wouldnt eat his brussel sprouts.

Welcome to the joys of upcountry communal living, please dont tell me you built an upcountry farang mansion, no doubt you were told you have a good heart as you made the final payment.

[Torrens54]

I don't mind having friends/relatives visit for dinner. Staying over is okay but not for too long, but what gets me TICKED - OFF is:

When they just can't turn-up on time, even ten or 20 minutes late is okay but THAI-TIME gives me the WHOOOPS!

I loath having meals that we have prepared go cold or turn to mush because some thoughtless guest can't learn any manners and be punctual.

My wife agrees, even when I first knew her, I could rely on her being on time when we were going out or whatever. When we lived in Australia, she loved the fact that everyone turned up on time or at least very close to it.

Back here in LOS, things are different but one would expect people who are so polite to also be polite enough to b e PUNCTUAL!

[mikemac]

I am lucky in that respect, my wife has a great family, I have far more time for them than my own family back in Australia. So I am the one who invites them to visit.

Having said that if someone did visit and cause problems my missus would soon tell them to f-off, and probably not in a shy way.

If my house was overrun with annoying visitors and my wife did not give them their marching orders I would just pack a bag and tell her I was off to Nana until the heat died down, that would soon clear the house of pests.

[PaulHamon]

My wife agrees, even when I first knew her, I could rely on her being on time when we were going out or whatever. When we lived in Australia, she loved the fact that everyone turned up on time or at least very close to it.

Back here in LOS, things are different but one would expect people who are so polite to also be polite enough to b e PUNCTUAL!

AGREEEEEEEEEEEED

[recycler]

You live together you have guests together. I have no problem with family or friends of my wife. Sisters stay regularly at our house and Mom and Dad now and than although they are reluctant to leave their house and land alone, mostly only Mom comes. They bring food and help cooking and cleaning and are good company.

When I've seen or heard enough I go to our bedroom and read, listen or watch my own stuff.

They are Thai so there is no plan, I'm used to that.

I've only seen enough of her brother, he's a no good and a bad example for the kids and me an my older son don't feel safe when he's here and gets drunk, so we agreed that he's no longer welcome.

[bobobo]

Tell Your wife You are going to Pattaya to relax during their stay in Your house. Maybe that can sort of change things..

[seajae]

I live in our bedroom, I have my computer and a tv if I ever want to watch it(I dont) and I go downstairs to eat or go out. If the wife relatives show up I will mix with them as they are mostly nice people and they like my cooking, they rarely stay even for one night which is good. On the other hand her half sister comes here and bludges for days on end, she does not cook, wash or do any thing around the house, she eats everything she can find including my aussie food I put away for myself. We only see her when she is fighting with her thai husband(she is a bar girl & second wife) or she wants money tp give to her husband so he can drink and give the rest to his first wife.My solution is simple, like one poster above I pack my bags and ask my wife to drive me to a hotel, this gets an immediate response of she will leave today, in fact we rarely see her now and that is fine by me.

[Deez]

Man up!!! Wow

[Dellie]

Can't say I identify with any of this. Wifes friends rarely come to visit as they are all working but when they do I don't mind since they are all quite delightful people and never stay long. Her sisters, aunties and cousins live locally and are always welcome since they will play with the kids and me and my wife can get a few moments of peace.

[NoshowJones]

If that did happen it would be the last time. I know if it was up to the Mrs that may be the case but both her and the in laws know Westerners do things differently. Of course family are welcome, but when it's convenient for me.

As for someone bringing dogs? Never.

To the OP. You need a room for yourself, with a TV, computer, and a nice chair to sit and relax. I had a room to myself as soon as our house was built. I can sit with my wife in the living room, or I can go to my own personal quarters which I have all to myself, I have my computer, tea and toast making facilities. fridge, and shelves to keep my books. Do you have much of a say at what happens in your house? Thais are used to sleeping on the floor, so let them sleep on your living room floor, and tell the wife you are having a room to yourself as well as the bedroom where you both sleep.

[thaibeachlovers]

I have tv and computer in the bedroom, and I rarely leave it while they are staying, other than to say hello and goodbye.

Otherwise, I'd decide it was a good opportunity to go on a trip alone, while my wife will have company.

[cbluck58]

You have to put your foot down and not be intimidated by your wife claiming- Thai culture -.

I told my wife early on that the only culture in our house is our culture - it took a while but she got the jist of it in the end.

The other weapon that I had was that MIL and FIL work for me on our farm in Isan and I know they steal so they do tend to play by the rules because they know I know-leverage is power.......

[brit1984]

we have various extended family working for us / living with us - not a problem for me but understand some people need privacy

don't think there is a lot you can do that won't upset your wife and the others, except maybe a "business trip" or locking yourself in the study

unless they are damaging you / your property, best solution is just to put up with it (but feel free to let off some steam on this forum)

[HerbalEd]

I would never in a hundred years stand for such after it happened once ... and NO ONE touches my computer, not ever my beloved girlfriend.

Meaning no disrespect mate, but grow a pair and be the man of the house. Because If you can't do it in Thailand you'll never be able to do it anywhere.

Don't get me wrong. I like having visitors ... IF they respect me and my home. Recently 20 of my girlfriends family came to visit from Issan for the Buddhist blessing of our new house in Bang Saray. They showed up on the afternoon they said they would, stayed only the three days they said they would, and they helped prepare food and clean up every day, and before they left they cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. After that experience they are all very welcome to visit again .... but next time not all twenty at the same time. 555

BTW, I have a very big house and a nice office with a big TV, refrigerator, my clothes closet, etc. It's my personal home within my big home. This is where I escape to when I need my personal space away from visitors.

Edited December 12, 2013 by HerbalEd

[thaibeachlovers]

I live in our bedroom. I have my computer and a tv if I ever want to watch it(I dont) and I go downstairs to eat or go out. If the wife relatives show up I will mix with them as they are mostly nice people and they like my cooking, they rarely stay even for one night which is good. On the other hand her half sister comes here and bludges for days on end, she does not cook, wash or do any thing around the house, she eats everything she can find including my aussie food I put away for myself. We only see her when she is fighting with her thai husband(she is a bar girl & second wife) or she wants money tp give to her husband so he can drink and give the rest to his first wife.My solution is simple, like one poster above I pack my bags and ask my wife to drive me to a hotel, this gets an immediate response of she will leave today, in fact we rarely see her now and that is fine by me.

My wife's niece came to stay for a month, while she worked with my wife. She did nothing but watch tv in the house and never even washed the dishes, despite contributing nothing fiancially and eating my wife's food.

When she asked to stay another month, I agreed providing she washed the dishes and tidied the house/ outside. I don't know if my wife passed that on, but she still did nothing for the second month.

My nephew ate everything he liked in my fridge ( wife and I have seperate fridges )despite being told not to eat my food, so in the end I put a chain and padlock around it.

He also used any of my tools he wanted to fix his m'bike and left them lying around outside when he left ( along with all his rubbish ), so I had to lock them in the bedroom whenever he came to stay. I also refused to pick up his rubbish- if she wouldn't make him tidy after himself, she had to do it.

[Just1Voice]

Wife has 1 older brother. Seen him and his family twice in 6 years. One older sister. See her maybe once a year. One younger sister who lived with us, along with her daughter - who I love to death - for about 4 months while trying to get back on her feet. Various & assorted cousins, who almost never come. Friend show up, I make myself presentable, but soon get bored and retreat to my bedroom and computer. Friends? Not that often, and never stay long.

I made it clear that when we married, I was only marrying her, and not her family. My house, my rules. It's my way or the highway, and I'm talking about the highway for me. Wife understood and passed the word. Family all loves me and have said more than once, if anything happened to my wife, they would be happy to take care of me if needed.

Oh, and no one just shows up. Even my wife is irritated at that. Anyone coming has to call first.

Works for me.

[ALFREDO]

You should have built a 1- bedroom home......................lol.

I do not think that is the solution, rural Thais sleep everywhere. Do not need a sleeping room,

the big living room and some mats on the floor will do fine enough to..

In my case, nearly no visitors, not even for short times, fits me well!

Seems my GF and GF's family is not so much liked by her extended family or others.

Edited December 12, 2013 by ALFREDO

[dao16]

I just live with the idea that, unless told otherwise, everything in your house is family (public) property. I can forgive them that since it is like that when Ii visit them.

As other posters have said, the trick is setting boundaries. Nobody gets on the computer here as they know heads will roll (unless they ask and I will tell them if they can or if I want to use it). My telephone is off limits. They can take a baseball bat to the television for all I care as I don't watch it. It is only there for the Thais and for the world cup.

I guess, basically, my limits are electronics and they all know. They also know that if I am on the computer typing away, I am not to be disturbed. Other than those times, I actually like having people over and sharing things with them. My MIL and a cousin came over today and hung out most of the day. I didn't mind at all. We chatted a little and then I got on the computer. BIL ate the leftover curry from last night....no problem. I don't even mind people sleeping over. All they have to remember is not to touch any electronics they might see...and several years in, they have followed that rule.

I find it is best to have the wife tell them, but I have also noticed that telling children has a ripple effect. Without making any adults lose face as you scold the 3 year old for going near the computer, everyone see that you care about it and will give it a wide berth as well.

[rct99q]

My wife would ask me first, she would ask if it was ok and did I have any problem with it.

They would be welcome to visit, but NOT stay over, unless travelled a real distance in which case, come and go would be clearly defined so appropriate arrangements could be made.

Never ever had an issue with anyone taking over or invading, it seems like you are not perceived as the head of the household, SHE is, and you have only yourself to blame if being bypassed and seemingly ignored.

Yup it ain't 1950's anymore, the women should shut up and speak only when allowed by their husbands. Come on OP grow a set and lay down the law! As they say speak loud and carry a big stick.

[tommybhill]

When her friends and family come I politely greet them, chat for a while and leave them to it. No one is allowed in my bedroom upstairs even though I have caught her mum in there nosing about.

I've told the wife she can have the downstairs along with the kitchen and I will have the upstairs.

That is all.

[Mudcrab]

I live in our bedroom. I have my computer and a tv if I ever want to watch it(I dont) and I go downstairs to eat or go out. If the wife relatives show up I will mix with them as they are mostly nice people and they like my cooking, they rarely stay even for one night which is good. On the other hand her half sister comes here and bludges for days on end, she does not cook, wash or do any thing around the house, she eats everything she can find including my aussie food I put away for myself. We only see her when she is fighting with her thai husband(she is a bar girl & second wife) or she wants money tp give to her husband so he can drink and give the rest to his first wife.My solution is simple, like one poster above I pack my bags and ask my wife to drive me to a hotel, this gets an immediate response of she will leave today, in fact we rarely see her now and that is fine by me.

My wife's niece came to stay for a month, while she worked with my wife. She did nothing but watch tv in the house and never even washed the dishes, despite contributing nothing fiancially and eating my wife's food.

When she asked to stay another month, I agreed providing she washed the dishes and tidied the house/ outside. I don't know if my wife passed that on, but she still did nothing for the second month.

My nephew ate everything he liked in my fridge ( wife and I have seperate fridges )despite being told not to eat my food, so in the end I put a chain and padlock around it.

He also used any of my tools he wanted to fix his m'bike and left them lying around outside when he left ( along with all his rubbish ), so I had to lock them in the bedroom whenever he came to stay. I also refused to pick up his rubbish- if she wouldn't make him tidy after himself, she had to do it.

You have separate fridges?? Wow what a loving relationship.

[Tiffer]

I have no sympathy whatsoever for your situation

You made your bed, now sleep in it.

Next time, make a more informed decision before getting married.

[nithisa78]

Hmmmmmm....probably best to lift up your heart and live with it. This too shall pass.

[funcat]

I came back ones from my extended trip and found some family members been living in the house for some time...dirty house,no food in the fridge and electric/water bills doubled the norm....I just said,that I'm going to get some food,but I also expect them to pay last months bills,because they were 'using' the house....I was gone little over an hour,but when I came back,they were ...GONE

[rotary]

Get a smaller house and always make it a point to be drinking heavy when they show up. that way you can choose your words better to greet them.

[hvdkerkh]

This is not uncommon in the west either. People used to come and go as they please there as well.

I´m talking about the south of Holland. The backdoor was always open. We called it ¨zoete inval¨, literally ¨sweet invasion¨.

Here in Thailand even in BKK lots of friends of my wife have the key to our apartment.

I´ve no problem with it at all, since I grew up with a lack of privacy.

[ppmacready]

If you were a door mat in UK you have no chance here.

My advice to my friends ( although without exception they prefer to learn the hard way!)

Is you only EVER need to ask your self 2 questions.

Am I happy?

Can I afford her?

Any answer no and its over!

[crazydrummerpauly]

Woah - this has been a real education for me - i never have this kind of problem even in a small way. Some of the posters seem, with all due respect, soft soft soft! If you present yourself as a pushover, especially in LoS, then pushed over you will be ! Extended families - with or without dogs - would be a nightmare for me, much too fond of my privacy AND my stuff. I hope the OP can be helped by seeing that his position on the relatives problem is not compulsory for those with Thai partners - it's just how he has allowed it to develop. About 5 years ago it dawned on me that even if i didn't become fluent in Thai generally, i would always need rapid fluency with one word above all : MAI !

Edited December 12, 2013 by crazydrummerpauly