Uncomfortable Position

[Honky]

Hi people, this is my first post and I am looking for suggestions.

Ten years ago, I met a wonderful Chinese lady whilst working in Bangkok, she was also working in Bangkok ,for her Chinese company.

I learnt that one of the reasons she was working abroad was because she had just been divorced, and had a nine year old daughter who was being looked after by her mother in China. And being a single mum, the financial rewards of being posted to Thailand would help towards her daughters future.

Eight years ago we married, and immediately bought the daughter down to Thailand and we treated her as "ours" I spent several hours every night for years getting her basic English, and dare I say it her standards up to scratch and we enrolled her into a very good international school.

During this period, her father never visited her here, but they often talked on the phone, and when she went back to China on vacations, her father did meet her occasionally. I am aware that he has made small financial payments every now and then, but nothing significant.

This girl, who will be 19 this year had turned out to be extremely bright and is sitting very comfortably as the top student in her year. Her final exams are slated for May this year and she has had interviews for a number of UK universities including Cambridge. The results are not yet known, but I do realise that the universities do not interview those who are not up to scratch.

I have always made it very clear that she has a blood father who biologically is more important than me, however it is acknowledged by my wife, that it has been me who has been the driving force in the daughters latter life, I meet her teachers regularly and I am often told what a wonderful person and student she is. The school also know her background and acknowledge that she is now where she is because of strong support, love and a decent upbringing since being with us.

Fact is we are both very proud of her.

Now the uncomfortable position............ Last night my wife and I were talking to her about her graduation, usual family chat, asking her what she wanted to do after she graduated whilst waiting for a university place to be confirmed etc. She then said that she wanted her father to travel and attend her graduation.

Again I accept he is the biological father but in my eyes he has done nothing to assist in her education or progress, I feel that he has sat back and let me do his job for him, let's not forget the finances I have poured Into her nor the warmth, love and support I have given her.

Am I wrong in feeling uncomfortable, or should I just back off and let him and her mother attend the graduation and feel the pride of her achievements. I really don't think I would be in my comfort zone attending alongside him.

Thoughts please.

[beachproperty]

First off......You SHOULD be proud of "your" daughter. You and your wife obviously did a great job raising her....kudos to the both of you.

As for you feeling uncomfortable....I understand why you may feel that way BUT your daughter wanting her father at HER graduation in no way belittles or lessens the role you have played in her life. Although her biological father played a very little role in her life ....he still is her "biological father" and it is HER wish to have him come to the graduation (for whatever reasons). Your main concern for your daughters graduation should be to make it as happy and perfect as possible for her. Showing your anger or jealously at the visit of her "biological father" will only ruin things for everyone.

That being said....I wouldn't pay for the airfare for him to attend or have him stay in your home as a guest.

Only my opinion ....good luck with your dilemma....And again Kudos and Congrats to you, your wife and daughter.

[meatboy]

you should be proud of what you have done for her,i can see where your coming from having been in that situation myself,aint your wife having a say in all this,it could be her mind is being poisoned,so tell her how you feel and that your heart is being broken,you can only take so much pain before it starts to hurt.that is what happened to me where I said enough is enough and pulled the plug over 40yrs ago it did take me a lot of time to get over it but I was glad I done it in the end.its not knowing where it is going to lead that will be on your mind so have a good talk to her and let her know what your feelings are.

good luck to you and your wife.

[Thai at Heart]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a damn about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

[impulse]

She then said that she wanted her father to travel and attend her graduation.

[sdanielmcev]

It's not unusual to feel like you do. I feel the same when my gfs' ex shows up, and I'm sure he feels the same. Don't play him down, try to understand that it is your daughter's day and enjoy.

[inzman]

I would attend, it is the father would should feel uncomfortable sitting next to you!

[Berkshire]

Occasionally, biological fathers may want to be a part of a child's life. It will be the child's decision into adulthood whether he/she wants said father to be a part of their life. I'd say in most cases, they do. But it's the child's decision, not you or the biological father. Having said that, I'm sure your position in the family is secure. The best thing you can do is support her. The worst thing you can do is make her feel uncomfortable or guilty about it.

[impulse]

Occasionally, biological fathers may want to be a part of a child's life. It will be the child's decision into adulthood whether he/she wants said father to be a part of their life. I'd say in most cases, they do. But it's the child's decision, not you or the biological father. Having said that, I'm sure your position in the family is secure. The best thing you can do is support her. The worst thing you can do is make her feel uncomfortable or guilty about it.

+1 She didn't divorce her father- your wife divorced your wife's ex-husband.

Your choice here is between improving your relationship with your daughter, or possibly giving her a reason to resent you for a long time.

I know which way I'd go- and like you, I'd probably be just as uncomfortable. But it is her day.

Edited March 15, 2014 by impulse

[Carib]

-- asking her what she wanted She then said that she wanted her father to travel and attend her graduation....

You asked, she answered.

[Ricky from Brisbane]

Its natural what you feel mate but don't spit the dummy over it. Go along for the day and be all smiles and do photos and stuff.

Its just one day and if you don't go all your work for 9 years is undone.

[thailampang2012]

First off......You SHOULD be proud of "your" daughter. You and your wife obviously did a great job raising her....kudos to the both of you.

As for you feeling uncomfortable....I understand why you may feel that way BUT your daughter wanting her father at HER graduation in no way belittles or lessens the role you have played in her life. Although her biological father played a very little role in her life ....he still is her "biological father" and it is HER wish to have him come to the graduation (for whatever reasons). Your main concern for your daughters graduation should be to make it as happy and perfect as possible for her. Showing your anger or jealously at the visit of her "biological father" will only ruin things for everyone.

That being said....I wouldn't pay for the airfare for him to attend or have him stay in your home as a guest.

Only my opinion ....good luck with your dilemma....And again Kudos and Congrats to you, your wife and daughter.

Well said...and I believe that her will like very much for you also to be there. I you don't, she will feel very bad thinking that her request was the reason you was not with her in that important event......Congratulations...and enjoy your daughter's graduation.

[Honky]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

[Thai at Heart]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

Well alls good then. If he can find his own way to get to the graduation, so be it. E

He should be very embarrassed, but don't be surprised if he isn't. Bravado and all that.

He isn't likely to allow u too much face out of the whole thing. That said, he might surprise everyone and be a nice guy. Who knows.

Just go along and be the dad you are.

[Carib]

It is her day, maybe she wants to show off what she has achieved without him, and with or because of you. Maybe it is her way of telling him something. Maybe she in a way wants him to feel some embarrassment, or maybe not. Ask her, but respect her choice.

This is not her problem, it is yours.

[robblok]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

You seem full of anger that he is not paying and your daughter wants to see him. Why is paying for something so important to you. You took up that responsability yourself he did not force it upon you.

Your stephdaughter still wants to see him its quite normal even though he has not done much. He stays her father and as it is her day let her decide.

[Seastallion]

If the girl wants her Chinese father to attend, then it is her choice. It should not stop you attending.

[nonthaburial]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

You seem full of anger that he is not paying and your daughter wants to see him. Why is paying for something so important to you. You took up that responsability yourself he did not force it upon you.

Your stephdaughter still wants to see him its quite normal even though he has not done much. He stays her father and as it is her day let her decide.

Guess it's her choice , difficult

Edited March 15, 2014 by nonthaburial

[Carib]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

You seem full of anger that he is not paying and your daughter wants to see him. Why is paying for something so important to you. You took up that responsability yourself he did not force it upon you.

Your stephdaughter still wants to see him its quite normal even though he has not done much. He stays her father and as it is her day let her decide.

Perhaps my comments were able to be read more than one way for which I apologise. What I was trying to portray is simply. To get my stepdaughter where she is today, and knowing that Uni costs etc are very high, which I am more than happy to cover, how could her natural father be so thick skinned as to attend the graduation as a "proud" father knowing he had no influence on her at all.

I have no anger or jealousy just more a little unsettled

Unsettled enough to use another nickname?

[nonthaburial]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

You seem full of anger that he is not paying and your daughter wants to see him. Why is paying for something so important to you. You took up that responsability yourself he did not force it upon you.

Your stephdaughter still wants to see him its quite normal even though he has not done much. He stays her father and as it is her day let her decide.

Perhaps my comments were able to be read more than one way for which I apologise. What I was trying to portray is simply. To get my stepdaughter where she is today, and knowing that Uni costs etc are very high, which I am more than happy to cover, how could her natural father be so thick skinned as to attend the graduation as a "proud" father knowing he had no influence on her at all.

I have no anger or jealousy just more a little unsettled

Unsettled enough to use another nickname?

Deeply concerned to be honest

[phuketrichard]

as others have said, be proud of her, I am sure in her eyes u are her "dad"

but than again u will feel uncomforatable but its Her day so allow her to "shine" for both dads.

[Carib]

I think everybody in a way can relate to that concern, now the job is finished and the `effe`r will show up maybe, but like I said before, maybe she has a good reason to want it, maybe she wants some `revenge`? Or maybe she just doesn't want to deny the biological ties.

She is a young woman, and as you know women have a different way of `telling` things.

[impulse]

I think everybody in a way can relate to that concern, now the job is finished and the `effe`r will show up maybe, but like I said before, maybe she has a good reason to want it, maybe she wants some `revenge`? Or maybe she just doesn't want to deny the biological ties.

She is a young woman, and as you know women have a different way of `telling` things.

You mean the effe'r whose daughter was kept away from him for years by the logistics of an ex-wife who moved her all the way out of the country?

Surely some of the guys on here with cross border child custody problems can relate to his situation?

Edit: Maybe the guy's a real tool. I don't know. But if you believe the child psychology people (and I do), the vast majority of who she is- developed before the OP was in her life. But none of that really means anything once she made clear her desire to have her biological father at her graduation.

Edited March 15, 2014 by impulse

[nonthaburial]

My apologies for posting this thread under a new name. I was not attempting the pull the wool over anyone's eyes, I simply did not want to have any answers to this genuine question interfered with by attitudes towards me from previous posts under my original title.

As stated this is a genuine question and issue, and I will delete the "honky" account when this thread has run it's course

[robblok]

I get your point you coached her you paid for her helped her and now you feel that he is going to take credit.

I don't really see the problem as you know what he has done and your close family knows that too.

But he did father her and part of his genes mixed with your wifes made this bright girl.. without that bases you could do all you want but the inteligence should be there.

Ok of course it is not as much effort as you put into it.

Personally I would just look at it as something my stephdaughter wants.

I have been in a similar situation where i helped raise 2 girls for 4 years of my life while maried to their mother and they were always happy to go to their Thai stephdad. I felt no jeallousy its just an other part of their life. Anyway fast forward divorced their mom and now the daughters come to visit me here in Thailand once in a while (they live in my former country the netherlands).

Point is he is part of her life.. and she will give it a position now you have too too.

[Bluetongue]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

[robblok]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

I agree. that is one step to far.

[evadgib]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

If he can afford a flight from China he should be able to afford to pay towards the graduation too. On no account should you succumb to any pressure re funding him. Play the 'face' card to your advantage.

[tim armstrong]

You can't change history and you are entitled to your own feelings. But as others have said - this is your daughters' day and maybe she is laying a few ghosts to rest and asserting her independence. Let her go - she won't forget you.

[nonthaburial]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

I agree. that is one step to far.

This has not been raised by daughter, in fact wife and I both agree he pays for all his expenses and he will not be allowed to stay with us. One thing I didn't mention for fear of muddying the waters, and that is he is quite a successful business man in his own right. The daughter does not know of the full and true reasons why her blood parents divorced. There is no need to explain, and if it was divulged, I think daughter would be terribly upset. Edited March 15, 2014 by nonthaburial