Should you accept her Children as part of the package?

[laobali]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

He should realise that the woman was fully aware of her situation (perfectly normal and common in Thailand) and the kids will always be her priority. If the new husband-to-be cannot accept a 'Thai package' with a good heart and without resentment towards the kids' father (and probably her extended family too), then he should walk away now..

[laobali]

It's a package deal and I would expect nothing less. It's called "family" and "parents" will (usually) always put their children before themselves.

Your "friend" was an idiot for not checking sooner if it was going to be an issue. It's one of the many questions I ask when I first meet someone new.

Unfortunately, asking and even lengthy discussion is not enough. The surprises can and will be sprung later, even years into the relationship. I know.

[Tatsujin]

It's a package deal and I would expect nothing less. It's called "family" and "parents" will (usually) always put their children before themselves.

Your "friend" was an idiot for not checking sooner if it was going to be an issue. It's one of the many questions I ask when I first meet someone new.

Unfortunately, asking and even lengthy discussion is not enough. The surprises can and will be sprung later, even years into the relationship. I know.

True. But if the questions have been asked and answered then it becomes a lie if the reality is different from what was answered. It then makes subsequent decisions much easier as I won't be with someone who has lied to me about something important.

[taqila]

Damm, shoot!!!, if I were 40, i'd be long gone when I found out she had two kids and a husband police. I'm 60 and do better than that after living here in LOS for 4+ years. I dislike those internet scammers, at 40, I would make a visit and find some real fresh ones, at 60 I can find real fresh ones even out in the countryside. Honest up front is 100% from both sides, if not c u l8r - never is best. Thai Kids are ok and fun to care for and I enjoy playing papa and trying to teach them good western values and ethics along the way. Good luck you need lots of it, but best to suck it up as experience and move on in real life without internet.

[brit1984]

when 2 people enter into a romantic relationship they should forget about everything else in the world and focus 100% on making love

[SOTIRIOS]

...ex-husband is a policeman.....

...if there is any dispute whatsoever.....???

[LukKrueng]

The woman and himself have fallen in ‘Love’ and decided to be together. When they first met online he didn’t know she had children but she did tell him after 3 months of talking together. Now they have met in person once (for 2 weeks) and a total relationship time of 6 months.

I am not sure I got it right, but here's what I understand:

The "met" ONLINE about 6 months ago - means were emailing, chatting and maybe phone calls?? After 3 months she told him about the kids. Only NOW they met for the 1st time. SO - she told him she's got kids long before they ACTUALLY met.

But all above is besides the point. How can an ADULT (he is 40?) fall in love over an internet relationship? Would you decide to get married after only 2 weeks of meeting with a girl? Is that a health base for sharing a life together?

And as for the actual question about the kids - The woman divorced her husband for whatever reason - she DID NOT divorce her kids. In most places in the world young kids are placed with the mother and sure enough are a part of the package.

I think your friend should grow up and start acting his age.

[rotary]

He better fall in love in a different place at a different time.

[misterphil]

Tell him to do another online search, but this time search for a woman with no children. I'm no expert at online dating but don't they have categories for what type of a person you are looking for, including divorced, separated etc?

[laobali]

I think if he even has to ask himself this question, he doesn't have the maturity to get involved with this woman.

I agree if by 'maturity' you mean acceptance of the status quo regarding Thai women with young children from a Thai father (cop or not). They will all definitely become his full financial responsibility. The only thing that can (should) change in this case is his own mindset if he wants to take this woman and her baggage on.

[wym]

I realize that, but that's nothing.

Even paying for everything as if they are your own isn't all that much, compared to:

being a real step-father, raising them LOVING them as if they were your own, maybe you do have your own with her, not showing any distinction between your biological kids and the stepchildren.

That's the only way to do it IMO, if you're not willing to accept that wholeheartedly - to at least do your best at it - then walk away and let her look for someone who can.

Otherwise you're most likely going to inflict serious harm on innocent kids who never asked for their lot in life.

I'd be happy to see him walk away but that isn't my decision.

His point is fair enough. He doesn't want another family, she works, her ex has a paying job and the kids have a father who does see them. Not sure why you think he would need to step up to be a surrogate father in that situation. I couldn't see him ignoring the kids or treating them like unwanted pieces of flotsam.

Possibly his GF wants him to be a surrogate father, I'm not clear about that really.

The sticking point for him is financial and perhaps some western thought of what is right and wrong.

I've seen a number of relationships like this in Australia where the man and woman keep financials separate and they don't pay for large expenditure for each other's children. Surely there must be similar in Thailand?

Yes, but as I said likely only possible if they are both clear this is to be a transactional-only deal with hard edges, e.g "room & board + xxxx spending money, new phone every six months, xxxx allowance for clothes, new car, etc", not an attempt at a real family unit.

99% of the time, the ONLY reason the lady is looking to take on a farang - a major sacrifice - is to obtain a more secure financial future for herself and her kids, and is therefore looking for an open-ended commitment without prior limits set.

[soalbundy]

YES

[zyphodb]

With the ex being a Copper I'd run a mile... Too many possibilities for serious life threatening problems down the line, ok we all know that a lot of somchai's have guns & fly off the handle at the least threat to their "face" but combine that with the knowledge that, as a Policeman he is almost certainly going to be able to shoot you & get away with it if you upset him????

[KK-Mike]

QUOTE __

When you start a relationship with a partner that has children, they are most definitely part of the 'package'.. and in Thailand this includes a certain amount of financial support.

__ENDQUOTE

the package will also include the mother, sick father, 2sisters and kids, collapsing rice farmers house needing rebuilt, payments on brothers pickup, buffalo vets fees, etc

but never mind,

Love is blind,

Endquote is spot on, it is never ending, and I mean NEVER!

[laobali]

love me, love my dog. its that simple.

You're comparing the lives and future of two children with a pet dog?

[Halion]

Children invariably and understandably are part of the package, however the whole story to me seems to fraught with

potential problems which have been caused by the shallow and irresponsible actions which abound in Thai society.

Most of us foreigners do not and will not be able to fully comprehend the mentality and logic which is leverage to almost all social reactions between Falangs and Thai nationals and most of us find some difficulty within this vacuum.

Under the conditions of both attitude and perceptions that prevail , I think that you should simply walk away. Good times are good because you have had them but there is no profit in turning them into disasters for all concerned.

[kuifje]

The OP is not familiar with Thailand. He only visit her for two weeks. He is fallen in love with a fantasy, she is probably looking only for a better living standard for her kids and her family. As most posters are more familiar with Thailand give this poor chap another advice. They met by a dating site. She did not tell him about the children when they chatted.

My advice : run, run away very fast.

Go back to the dating machine. Click woman (your age group, background, education), NO KIDS. Be patient, ask many questions to the woman (especially about the kids).

[transam]

My wifes ex was a wife beating moron, I have brought up the kids, schooling, a roof over their head, food etc, the moron has paid nothing.

BUT, now come on guess, who do you think is the great guy in this story....??????????????????????????

[brit1984]

lot's of good videos online showing men having sex with an attractive mature lady and her hot daughter

i would consider that kind of arrangement

Edited March 17, 2014 by brit1984

[Krataiboy]

When I met and fell in love with my Thai partner more than a decade ago, I asked her what she wanted in life. She answered immediately: "To have somebody good who will love me and take care of me and my children". She had already told me, as soon as I began to show more than a passing interest in her, that she had five children from a previous relationship and that one of them had been "adopted" by friends of relatives so that she could continue to work to support the rest of them.

I was fortunate in being able to afford to support her and the four children who were being brought up by my Thai partner's paternal in-laws (She had paid the costs of their upkeep for the previous two or three years). I told her that I had never had children of my own and was relatively old (in my sixties), I was reluctant to have the children join us from day one. I also, to be honest, wanted to be sure, as she was considerably younger than me, that the relationship was not just another of those Blue Angel affairs,with me trading money for a beautiful girl's simulated affection.

She was very understanding and agreed, which, in retrospect, I realise must have been darned hard for her. It was a couple of years before I was sure enough of the relationship to have the children, aged three to eleven, to join us. I can't say it was easy suddenly finding myself in a totally alien situation and having to share the love of my life with four other much more deserving humans. But, although we had some ups and downs, particularly involving one of the kids who, quite understandably, refused to accept me as a substitute for his real father (deceased, believe it or not, in a motorcycle accident), thing worked out well in the end.

We actually tied the knot legally a three years ago and had a Buddhist wedding a year later to confirm our spiritual commitment. By this time we had added another child to the family, a little girl of our own who, like most Thai/Falang offspring is incredibly bright and beautiful. I managed to teach the children English and they are all doing well in their jobs and schools. After 12 years together, my wife and I are happier than ever and glad we stayed the course - though I will not pretend that marrying someone from a different country, culture and background is easy - for either partner. But love, if you can find it, really does conquer all.

Many falangs I know say my wife and children are lucky to have found someone like me. But I see things from the other end of the telescope and truly believe that I have got at least as much out of us being together as they have.

Sorry to bang on at such length, but I just wanted to reassure the poster that his friend is not necessarily about to make the biggest mistake of his life. We tend to hear a lot about the Thai/Falang relationships which end up as disasters, but there are plenty of success stories out there, too. Mine is just one but I hope it inspires a bit of optimism and trust in couples who are, as it were, on the brink.

[kennypowers]

What I'd be more concerned about is why she wants a foreign partner. I presume she has gone this route to find financial support for her kids. So for me the main issue would be does she really love the new bf or is she simply willing to accept any foreigner who picks up the bill? This doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship.

[BookMan]

99% of the time, the ONLY reason the lady is looking to take on a farang - a major sacrifice - is to obtain a more secure financial future for herself and her kids, and is therefore looking for an open-ended commitment without prior limits set.

You might be right about that

[techboy]

What are you asking for? He already knows what he wants and is waiting around to here it from someone else.

[tiffanystoyz]

Two things she wants sugar daddy you want tat cut your loses find younger no child tat win win for you. Because dad is cop he might blackmail you saying your pedo who they going to believe ? I would walk no make that run from her. Poddy tat like cab miss one another come quick. Hell get two still cheaper.

[steve C]

If he doesn't want to take on the kids, he should end it with her now, and find a woman WITHOUT KIDS.

But why does he have to take on the kids?

When they first started talking he didn't know she had kids. I agree with some other posters that this info should not have been withheld, but that aside, he is willing to pay for rent/food/utilities, and I'd expect other day to day stuff.

First questions, are you an orphan and do you have children, if the answer is yes and no then maybe you might be on track and be reasonably unscathed by the whole Thai process of so called loving relationships. Big Horse there will ALWAYS be a handout of some kind to some-one. Quote end of Quote. Now lets hear from all the morally challenged 60's plus pram pushers who won't be around long enough to be of any real guidance and financial support to a child produced without much or any thought or planning. Don't bother trying to howl me down as it will be water off a ducks back!!!!!

[iamariva1957]

There is an old expression that I think is the key here, "Love me ...love my dog". If you fall in love with any woman who has children, and plan to spend the rest of your life with her, then you have to accept the children that she has from another marriage (or whatever). Why would you not!? For the children are part of her and she is part of them. You will see her in their faces and they come as a package

Dealing with a relationship with a woman with children and not having anything to do with them including their financial needs.. well... your friend seems to simply want to have his cake without having to eat it. If he loves her and wants to be more than a boyfriend to the children's mother, he will have to take on the role of male parent (not their father as they have one already and they know it and you cannot replace their father).

In short, he will have to be there for those children and do what he can for them. If this means covering their financial needs, within reason (as is the case if they were his own) then so be it. He has taken on a 'family unit' (without a father present) . Therefore, he has very little choice. Oh, he can walk away from the relationship, stating that she did not tell him from the get go. For that was not fare of her at all! Agreed! But now the situation is different and the truth is out there and you have not said that he has walked away or is even thinking about it in so many words. So, my advise... if he really does love her then her having two children, though a wrinkle and work, should make no difference at all.

As for their real father... be careful with policemen. Do not make too many waves there. But I would suggest that SHE sees what she can do legally to have her Ex help financially regarding his children. She should also understand, through discussion (and your friend sticking to his guns!) that he will be there for the kids, but he is not their father (as I have said) and so will need to discuss their financial needs on a case-by-case basis.

This is just my opinion. But I wish him all the luck in the world!

Edited March 17, 2014 by iamariva1957

[laobali]

when 2 people enter into a romantic relationship they should forget about everything else in the world and focus 100% on making love

For at least a couple of weeks anyway.

[realenglish1]

She was not honest about the children so she lied What makes you think she will not lie about other things.

In a nutsell

Walk away from this situation and find another woman. Its that simple .

[scorecard]

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I can't believe that this thread is being taken seriously. Any guy tackling a Thai lovely needs to assume that she has considerable baggage, just by nature of the way life is here, but that is no reason to not take on the responsibilities -- if you can make sure you know what they all are before getting in too deep. That can be quite a trick if you don't have the language

The same rules apply to romances in any country -- but you need to have the rules tattooed on the insides of your eyelids here -- Thai beauties can blind you with their charms.

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And you forgot to mention the other side of the equation - when ladies (any country) take on a man many come with some baggage, sometimes small baggage, sometimes enormous and complex baggage.

Just one example, I can't count the number of farang men I've heard of who get into a relationship with a Thai woman (any woman) and expect her to be totally loyal whilst the farang man is playing around regularly with other girls.

[Wat dee]

Is he 40 or 12? What a question!